Lying Liar Tabloids and the Women Who Love Them

I’ve started to notice a theme lately with the “news,” aka my favorite tabloids/gossip magazines. A very disappointing theme, since I hold them all to the highest journalistic ethics and standards of truth.

They LIE! Some of them flat out lie! Just so that some unsuspecting victim such as myself will shell out her hard earned dollars (don’t laugh) in a moment of weakness at the checkout counter.

I’ll share some examples:

OK, I specifically bought this one last week because I was like, “WHAT? Joe the Meatball is in jail? When did this happen? I never received my Google alert!”

Turns out, the Meatball is not in jail at all. It’s merely Teresa proselytizing on what life might be like if he did go to jail. There are, apparently, some charges that he fraudulently obtained a state driver’s license (seriously, can you go to jail for a fake license?). If indicted, he could possibly go to jail for up to 10 years (Holy cannoli! 10 years? For a fake ID?).

But currently,¬†the Meatball¬†is not “locked up for 10 years,” Teresa is not “raising her kids alone,” but she is “terrified” — probably because she has to keep having sex with that pizza restaurant manager. That’s just my guess. I don’t know that. In Touch did not tell me that.

ITEM 2:

This one hurts the most because it comes from what I consider the most reliable source out there: Us Weekly.

Let me cut to the chase: There are no Harry & Pippa Love Secrets in last week’s Us Weekly. Apparently, the two lovebirds met up for tea. FOR TEA?? And even a “palace source” is quoted in the article as saying that “tea tale is false.”

WTF Us Weekly??? I’m really starting to think this was all just an excuse to put Harry & Pippa on the cover. I will, however, applaud your awesome “Reality A to Z” feature on pgs 60-63, which hit all of my favorite reality shows from My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding (the standard by which I hold all future weddings) to Pawn Stars (the standard by which I hold bald men.)

FINAL EXHIBIT:

This one is sad, because even Toonie got fooled. And, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you will notice we have a repeat offender–In Touch.

This cover PROMISED me that Kim-I-Just-Got-My-Butt-XRayed-to-Prove-It-Is-Real had been caught cheating. Now, I have pretty stringent standards on cheating myself. Pretty much anything is grounds for dismissal. But this article reveals that this dude (who, by the way, has an album coming out soon, a fact mentioned out of the blue in the article) received some sorta kinda sexy texts from somebody that is listed in his phone as Kim. Even by my ramrod cheating standards, that’s a stretch.

There you have it. A roundup of some recent tabloids and their lying ways. Will I keep buying them? Definitely. Like a bad relationship, I keep hoping they’ll get better. But In Touch, you’d better start treating me better or I might have to go down to buying you like once every other week.

Oh, and Toonie got over her disappointment. This is her literally one minute later. I wish I could say I bounced back that fast.

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