Do Residuals from the Green Mile and Lost Really Pay that Much?

EDITED 10 SECONDS AFTER POSTING: ALL RIGHT! I’m working on getting some bigger pictures up! UGH. sorry for my lame photo editing/stealing skills.

OK, let me start by saying I know this story is kinda old. It’s not like I picked up an issue of The Day Old News and just heard about this. As a loyal Twitter follower of all gossip outlets, I of course knew about the marriage of 51-year-old actor Doug Hutchison and 16-year-old singer Courtney Stodden weeks ago.

"Now you are mine evermore" - (did you catch the Poe reference?)
 But I got a special request to blog on this from this lady.  When the Klem first asked me to blog on, I responded, “great idea, but it’s kinda old news. Plus, I was thinking about writing a riveting post today about mosquitoes.” (BTW, don’t think you’ve escaped that thought-provoking and informative rant. It’s a’comin’.)

Then, I was at my favorite nail salon at lunchtime and what was on E! News? These two publicity hogs. (Has anyone else who knows me in real life noticed how tame I am on the cussing on this blog? I cannot explain it, but when writing, I do not have the trucker’s mouth that has endeared me to so many). Anyway, it was an amazing interview. I was totally transfixed. And I knew that it was a sign. I must weigh in.

One big happy, creepy family.

Let me start by saying that for me to start passing judgment on these two would make me the Dean of the University of Hypocrisy at Pot-Calling-Kettle-Black. I met my ex-husband mere months before my 18th birthday. I was married by 21, divorced by 24. Aaaannnd, he was 15 years older than me. So we had a lot in common, as you can imagine.

And my own little sister got married at the ripe ol’ age of 16-years-old. (You can get mad if you want to sis,) but it was a pure white trash production, held in the front yard of our trailer, and complete with parental consent (provided by my mom, of course), fake flowers, and dogs running loose.

So I have some background in child bride-age.  There are a couple of other reasons I should probably hold my tongue. First, kudos to you Doug Hutchison, you look pretty good for 51. But you’re still a creeper, son.

Second, I am only ½ convinced that our little blushing bride Courtney is in fact 16-years-old. Yes, I know her parents attest to it, and yes, she showed a copy of her birth certificate on E!, but like a stubborn member of the anti-Obama Birther Movement (it’s a copy but where’s the original?? Why doesn’t it say “live birth” on it??),  I call BS.

I totally think she’s a 36-year-old divorcee, real estate agent from Boca Raton who is pretty good at karaoke when she has a few glasses of Chablis in her, and thinks she could have a singing career if she could just find the right coattails to ride to LA on.  And, I think her parents are in on the lie in order to help her “career.” That’s just my feeling on the matter. Facts be damned. Keep those pesky facts outta my way.

Oh, and she was a virgin until marriage? Riiiiiight.

And then she says immature crap like this, and I think, well, maybe she is 16.

“And how does she respond when other women call her a slut? “It’s kind of funny, because if a woman doesn’t call me that when I walk by, I think I need to go home and redo my hair because I don’t look as good as I did when they call me that,” she admits.”

My prediction right now is that Courtney will get a bit of a career going, what with her singing and all, probably a few cameos on some really lame shows, like a trophy wife (way to stretch those acting muscles, hon) on “Franklin & Bash,” and a spread in Playboy. Then, she’ll ditch Hutchison because he’s jealous of her success and smothering her, and eventually, she’ll end up a top star with Vivid Features (that’s a porn company for you non-Howard Stern watchers). Hutchison, of course, will crawl back to her and manage her new porn career, while trying to relaunch his own by appearing on “Celebrity Rehab,” where he will cry and moan over his “Lost” love. (see what I did there?)

The one thing I can say is about these two is that it really must be love, because Hutchison isn’t exactly super famous or rolling in the dough. He’s barely a celebrity. As hot as she is, (and damn! She’s like sex walking) she probably could have held out for a real sugar daddy, Anna Nicole style.

So good luck, you two crazy kids! Enjoy the ride!

4 thoughts on “Do Residuals from the Green Mile and Lost Really Pay that Much?

  1. You are hilarious. Forget about her being 16 or not, I’m still laughing over her virginitiy ’til marriage (oh, wait, I see you did mention that in a photo caption). Puh-leez! Have you seen her walking, alongside her old man, in the GMA interview footage? She’s a total poser! You got it right, she’s just another Anna Nicole Smith. Or a really low-rent Paris Hilton wannabe. She’s out for fame and fortune. And I guess Dougie was the only one stupid enough to marry her…although is he that stupid? I mean, even if the marriage does last beyond a few months, at least he got a nice piece of ass, right? Crude, but true. I don’t really care if she is being used for her bodacious bod, she’s not in it for love. She’s not that young or innocent or naive.

    1. Yeah, it’s hard to feel too sorry for Hutchison. Plus, it’s not like he has a lot of money, so even if she dumps his old self, he’s only out a tiny bit of money. And, she’s raised his profile too. I didn’t know who the hell he was before this all came out. So it’s all win-win for him. And, I guess, her too.

  2. Awesome!! I think you’re 100% right on what happens with the two of them. And it’s not that I don’t support bi-generational marriages (my better half is 8 years older), but when watching the two of them, it’s pretty obvious to see she’s not into him at all. Or maybe she just doesn’t want him to touch her and mess up her makeup.

    To be honest, I’m not sure which of them creeps me out more.

    1. Agreed. Watching them together was so awkward. She just kept primping and posing like a deranged pageant contestant while he gazed at her adoringly.

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