Talking to the Bobs: Am I Wearing Enough Flare for this Review?

Today was my yearly review at work.

It was fine. It actually was very good. Probably my best review to date. So when I type the next sentence, please don’t think I’m all living in the land of bitter grapes over here.

But can we please just talk for a minute about how much I hate reviews and the whole review process?

First off, I am an impossible person to review. I get so, so awkward. I refuse to make eye contact with people I normally feel quite comfortable around. I can feel myself looking down, looking sideways, looking above people’s heads.

Second, if you praise me too much, I get really embarrassed. If you praise me too little, I get huffy. And, generally, I’m completely convinced that there’s no way to encapsulate or adequately award my inherent greatness. It’s really an impossible situation for the person on the other side of the desk, and I admit it. Really, you should just slap me on the shoulder and say, “good job,” and end it there, but that’s not the way a review goes, now is it?

Then there’s the issue of what do I say about the not-so-great comments? Am I supposed to defend myself? Are these defendable traits? Should I promise to change? Or should I just shrug and say, “Yep! That sounds like me alrighty!”

Before my current job, I never really had to deal with a review process. I mostly worked for small companies with incredibly unprofessional environments. Places where everybody was always in each other’s business. Places where people routinely called you on your bullshit to your face–no need to wait for a review process. And any slacking on the job would have been blatantly obvious in a tiny room with no privacy and four other people. I’ve even worked in places where people yelled at you. Sooooo, you kinda knew where you stood without all this talk of achievements and goals. There was no talk about career paths. It was pure survival.

Thank the HR heavens that I only have to go through this once a year. For now, it’s over and I’m safe from embarrassment for another year.

But I’m already working on my review for next year. I thought I would help my bosses out by pointing out all the ways I’m an awesome employee:

1)      I’m in a stable relationship so I’m not out on the town every night trying to hook up with the next loser and coming in to work hung over four days a week.

2)      I don’t want to get married, so I won’t be wasting any time at work planning my upcoming nuptials, honeymoon, bachelorette party.

3)      I’m not having kids, so I will be taking no time away from work for birthing, rearing, pediatrician appointments, etc.

4)      I’m not close to my family, so no emergency trips home to help them through whatever familial-type issues that might come up.

5)      I don’t have any high-maintenance pets.

That’s all I have so far, but I’ve got another year to think about some more stuff. I’m not sure HR would approve of these non-performance based attributes BUT THEY SHOULD.

Also: it was really awesome that I had this big chunk of black stuff caught on the side of my tooth the whole time I was discussing my review at lunch today with my bosses. Yes, I’m totally professional.