Running Rants and Hot, Hot Pants

Anyone up for a little thigh-chafing action?

 I came across this story the other day about running in short-shorts. Not just short-shorts, but SUPER-short shorts. Probably like these from American Apparel. (I often pose like this while running as well)

Admittedly, the shorts in the picture our running temptress alludes to don’t seem “American Apparel short.” Even still, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be comfortable in them. I’m a modest girl. Not burka modest or anything, but I definitely prefer some thigh-coverage during my runs.

My favorite part is the writing on this piece; behold:

“I went on a 4-mile run, and my legs felt so free and unconstrained.”

What the hell were you running in before? A suit of armor??

“I loved feeling the wind on my skin and looking down at my legs and seeing my muscles working hard, which was, oddly, motivating!”

Damn right it’s odd. And it just sounds vulgar. I’m not trying to watch How It’s Made here. But I guess that’s what I get for reading “Glamour,” right? Sex tips AND running shorts advice…..all in one.

At this point in the narrative, I’m imagining that this girl must be pretty banging, like super fit and obviously having no thigh touching issues, unlike the rest of the female running population. And Jessica Simpson. Seriously, is she even wearing pants in that picture? I don’t know, but I’m pretty sure her thighs are touching.

But then, in the very next sentence, our short-short-wearing she-puma reveals that she’s had a baby! How? What? I….I….I’m just so confused! I’ve never had a baby and I have to practically run bowlegged to keep my thighs from touching! I single-handed keep Body Glide in business! Who is this miraculous vixen??

Actually, nevermind. I don’t want to know. I’d probably strangle her with the waist cord from my oversized shorts if I ever saw her.

(SIDENOTE: Running Buddy Amy was gifted a pair of running hot pants from her significant other for her birthday last year. She has never worn them on a run, despite my repeated pleas to do so, thereby ensuring much mirth on my part. I told her she should do her SO a favor and wear them around the house while cleaning.)

Keeping on the running theme: I’ve been looking for races to participate in this fall. One of my very favorite running stores – Pacers – puts on great events. They really do. They’re well organized, the course is clearly marked, there are plenty of potties and other course support along the way, great post-event parties, and almost always, a tech shirt. So Pacers was of course, the first place I looked for a fall race. And I got pretty pumped when I saw this race, which I did last year.

I went to register and look what they’re giving instead of tech shirts:

Here’s what they say about their “new swag.”

“Have enough tees?”

(ED: Bite your sacrilegious tongue. That’s not even possible.)

“Want something new?”

(ED: This is the part where I think maybe they’re going to give away something totally cool like a sweat wicking hat).

“The Clarendon Day 10K/5K is proud to provide a pair of commemorative flip flops.”

(ED: WTF???) 

“Register soon to secure your flips! Limited to first 2200 registrants.”

(ED: Then they make it sound like it’s something totally lustworthy and I better get off my duff and register before they run out. OF FLIP FLOPS.)

Flip flops? Are you kidding me? I do not run for flip flops! I can buy flip flops at Old Navy for like 99 cents! I’m not about to pay $50 to run 6 miles for a pair of flip flops! Not cool.

 I still love you Pacers, but I’m beginning to question your marketing efforts. Are you even aware that there are some races where hot San Francisco firemen hand out Tiffany necklaces at the finish?! (Ok, admittedly, it is put on by the company that supports puppy-killer Michael Vick. So obviously, I won’t be running it. Even for a Tiffany necklace.) Or this one with chocolate AND a running jacket.

The last Pacers event I ran was the Dash for Dad four miler in June which was (a) hot; and (b) featured a hellacious couple of hills that almost killed me. So, I feel, I really earned my sized medium women’s tech shirt on that one. But the shirt? The shirt was a teeny-tiny sized smedium in white, which lovingly showed every roll and bump. Like, Anderson Cooper tight (sorry Anderson, you’re a total silver fox, but you need to go up a size on those black tees).

Seriously, it looked like a baby tee on me. Since I had totally soaked through my normal and now banned Nike Longhorn running shirt during the race, I had to change into the race shirt to ride the metro home without killing everyone with my running stench. When I rolled up to the homestead, XFE took one look at me and busted out laughing. He still asks why I don’t wear that shirt.

Strike two, Pacers.

Long story short (hardly), I’m still looking for some fall races. Any suggestions? And there better be a normal, human-sized tech shirt involved.