DC Earthquake: Color Me Not Impressed

So, we had a little earthquake here in D.C. today.

It’s my first time in an earthquake. And I must say, at the risk of sounding totally blasé, I was a bit disappointed.

It happened at about 2 pm. I was earnestly at work when the whole 100-year-old building I work in started to rumble and shake. They’re renovating the floor above me, so my first thought was, “Oh damn. Somebody just knocked down a wall or something major.” A few picture frames fell over, but it was all over after about 20 seconds.

I also work right across the park from the White House, so the natural, second thought was that there had been an attack, but a quick look out the window confirmed that wasn’t the case.

After a very panicky HR person came through the floor yelling, “Get out, get out, get out!” over the screaming fire siren, we all, of course, evacuated the building and went to the nearest park where we stood around checking our Facebook and Twitter feeds and cracking inappropriate jokes. After 20 minutes, we were allowed back in the building.

I’m sorry but any earthquake where you’re allowed back in the building after 20 minutes isn’t that impressive.

I know, I know, 5.9, felt from the Carolinas to Toronto, all the way west to Ohio, blah, blah, blah.

And yes, the Smithsonian closed all its museums for the remainder of the day, the National Cathedral had some damage to its spire and the rumor on the street is that the Washington Memorial was leaning.

But 20 seconds of shaking? Really? I’m giving that earthquake a 5.9 out of 10.

Oh, but don’t worry. While I was standing in the park enjoying the sunshine, other people were losing their shit. Crying on the sidewalks, panicking because their phone wasn’t working (mine was working just fine.)

But if you know DC, you know that people here lose their shit pretty easily. They’re a bunch of scared little rabbits in this city. You should have seen Snowmaggedon 2009. Anarchy. Cars being abandoned on medians type of crap. It was like a zombie wasteland in the days following that snow event.

The biggest annoyance about today’s “earthquake” is that metro was all jacked up. Of course. So the evening commute will (was) undoubtedly be a nightmare. Which means there’s only one thing to do – go to the bar. And order a martini. Shaken, not stirred.

By the way, I actually fell on the sidewalk on the way to the bar. Not because I’m clumsy (which I totally am) but because I may or may not have been feeling some aftershocks. (OK, I wasn’t)

I’m also starting an effort to get a celebrity benefit concert for the recovery effort. And by recovery, I mean my bar tab. Gwyneth Paltrow better bring her “Country Strong” butt out here and help me, I mean, DC. Please leave donation details in the comment section below. Help make DC stronger, people.