With Apologies to US Weekly: Stars are NOT Just Like Me

Why are they not like me? Because I do not have a hero complex.

But apparently, celebrities do. There has been a rash of Hollywood heroes lately, and I’m not talking on screen.

Yesterday, Brad Pitt rescued some extra from being trampled on the Scotland set of his zombie apocalypse film. They were filming a scene in which 700 extras tear through some square in Glasgow, and a woman fell down, putting herself in danger of being run over by her fellow extras.

I’m going to tackle this story from two perspectives: One, if I was Brad Pitt, I would have just left her on the ground. Seriously, those extras get PAID. They can make up to like, $50-$75 a day. And, it IS a zombie film…what did you think would happen?

I cannot believe Brad Pitt put himself in danger’s way like that. If you want my advice, better not to risk your pretty mug, Brad. You’ve got like, a whole village of children to support. Poor guy is even thinking about selling his house, for crying out loud.

Second perspective: If I was that extra, I’d suck it up. A “badly grazed knee” really isn’t that big of a deal. Believe me. I know of that I speak. Hell, in the last week alone I’ve lived through an earthquake, a hurricane, a nasty, phone-damaging fall (no Brad Pitt to my rescue, thank you very much), and homelessness. You need to toughen up, buttercup.

Moving on. Kate Winslet saved Sir Richard Branson’s 90-year-old mother from being cooked to a crisp after a fire broke out at Branson’s paradise home in the Caribbean last week.

Mkay, first, Kate, that house was struck by LIGHTNING. Obviously, some higher being or whatever isn’t too pleased with Showy-McBraggerson Sir Richard Branson. And he’s the one who wanted some deserted-island retreat with no firemen or firehouses nearby. Let Naked-Sleeping-Cactus-Hugger Richard Branson rescue his own damn family!

Also, you had your own two children to worry about, on top of yourself. You are a highly paid actress. Why would you put yourself in the midst of some burning inferno whilst on–ostensibly–a relaxing, family vacation.

And, your family is a tiny bit accident prone. According to this interview, your dad lost his entire foot during a boating accident when you were 11-years-old. His entire foot. How are you going to wear Manolo’s when you don’t have a foot? Did you even think about how selfish that would be to designer shoe makers?

Much better to not get involved. Speaking of “getting involved….”

Everyone’s favorite dude from the Notebook (which I’m proud to say I’ve never seen) broke up a fight on the streets of New York last week. Of course, there was a camera nearby to record the whole thing.

According to E! News:

“The Crazy, Stupid, Love actor physically restrains one of the guys after dropping his grocery bag and eventually helps diffuse the situation and escort him away.”

Listen, Ryan Gosling: First, I hope there were no eggs in that grocery bag. Second, I know you’re new to New York, but everyone knows that it’s a very dangerous place. You really don’t want to be a Mr. Buttinski in New York fights. I know, I know, it was a fight over a piece of art, which is kinda funny and doesn’t seem too serious. Nevertheless, artists can sometimes be a tad bit kray-kray. Something about all the fumes in the paint. I don’t know. The point is, don’t mess with fighting people if you can help it.  

According to an eyewitness, you went a step further and gave one of the guys $20 to settle up the dispute.

“The gentleman was like ‘He stole my painting’. So he [Gosling] gave the guy a $20 and asked if it was settled. He took the money out of his pocket and said ‘If that’s what you’re fighting for, here you go’.”

Oh, Gosling. Badly played indeed. Don’t you see? Now you are a total target! People are going to start breaking out into fisticuffs whenever you’re around in the hopes of getting some of your Notebook stash! Ever heard of a slippery slope, my friend? Cuz you are heading directly towards one. Better start carrying a wad of $20s. 

I’m really not comfortable with this whole “hero” trend. If our celebrities keep putting themselves at risk like this, we might have less of them to entertain us. And I do not approve.

I’m mostly kidding. Mostly. The truth is: I’m quite a big Butt-In-Ski myself. It’s actually one of my 99 vices. I always put my nose where it don’t belong. I’ve been known to yell at people on the metro who were rude to other riders. I also inserted myself into a potential rape-in-progress in a club in Tokyo one time. But our celebrities are special. They shouldn’t be engaging in heroics. The price is just too great.

But they shouldn’t act like Matthew Fox either. I don’t care how drunk you are, “Party of Five” dude (another show I never saw), you should not hit a female party bus driver. You weren’t invited to the party. Get over yourself.

Separate but related: celebrities should also not be spitting water on people. I’m looking at you, Cherub-in-Training Shia LaBeouf. I don’t know what your beef is with Marilyn Manson, but according to MTV, you guys are collaborating on some video or book or something, and that is definitely not the way to treat your friends.

Also: Shave that stupid beard.