10 (or so) Questions for My Favorite Reality TV Shows

Holy jobs agenda, y’all, work has been kray-kray the last two days. I’m leaving tomorrow for Austin to attend a wedding on Saturday. I am beyond excited to be returning to God’s Country, even if it’s apparently on fire. I’ve lived through natural disasters before. This better not impact my barbecue and margarita consumption, though.

But the thing about going out of town is you have to do a lot of ass covering to get the hell out of work. And while my ass is not very substantial (ok, almost non-existent), I still have a lot of covering to do. (Speaking of booties: it looks like they have identified the infamous NoVa Butt Slasher! But still no arrest. WTF?? You have his name and car details. What the what??)

By the way, blogging may be a bit sporadic the next couple of days (no Totally Pretentious Food Truck Review), but you should totally read all my other posts in the meantime. And if you’ve already read them once, read them again. Although, I’m pretty sure there might be a Food Porn or two.

Also: seriously, reread yesterday’s booger post. My pictures were jacked by my computer, but I’ve fixed them. Honestly, you wanted to see the photographic evidence, didn’t you??

All this running around has got me feeling nostalgic for this past weekend. My personal-chef-for-life XFE and I had a delightful Labor Day weekend full of good eating (highlights included a seafood boil), celebrity magazine reading (including a riveting edition of a magazine I don’t usually buy, Star), napping (for me and Petunia at least), and catching up on a few of my favorite reality TV shows.

But as much as I love these shows and their all-inclusive access into the lives of mundane individuals with personality problems, sometimes, I’m left wanting a bit more background information. So, I’ve compiled a list of burning questions for my favorite reality show characters.

(1) Abbie Lee from Dance Moms – Can you expand (PUN INTENDED) on your former dance career? Specifically, how did you gain soooo much weight? It’s obvious from the way you hound on your students that you are quite concerned with appearances, so perhaps you can clear up this little mystery for us.

(2) Courtney from Most Eligible Dallas – Girl, I love you. I really do. You tell it like it is, which is a character flaw I can totally relate to. And, you like your wine, which I also can appreciate. But you have got to get down off that high horse sweetie! And, more annoyingly, please explain to me how Neill having a child is like a “slap in the face” to you? Get your own damn child! Although, seeing you being all awkward around Major and given your love of the wine, perhaps you should just go ahead and hold off a little bit longer on that life plan. Also: Can you please tell Drew to stop smoking that electronic cigarette? It’s bad. Really, really bad.

“Drew, I need to talk to you about a very serious fake cigarette matter.”

(3) Bonnie from Big Rich Texas – Please tell me where you got your PhD. Just because you’ve BEEN to a plastic surgeon multiple times does not make you a doctor. By that logic, I’d have a PhD in celebrity gossip. By the way, when this does become available, I think I should get an honorary degree. According to Bonnie, she has a PhD in Physiology, a Masters in Microbiology and a BS in Pre-Medicine. I challenge you, Bonnie, to even spell ‘physiology.’ No peeking.


"What do you mean you can't inject me with smart?"


(4) Dave Hester from Storage Wars – How scared were you when your brother showed up at one of the storage auctions being filmed for the show? And producers, why haven’t you further exploited that crap?!? I thought for sure we’d have a dysfunctional family drama running through the season. You guys are nothing but a bunch of teases! Also: Can you ask Darrell Sheets if he owns any shirts with sleeves?

(5) Will Hayden from Sons of Guns – When are y’all going to run out of crazy hybrid gun ideas? I can’t think of any other combinations you can possibly pursue. And do all these guns really sell? Is there a huge need for a shotgun with a taser attached? It actually looked kinda awkward to operate. And which gun are you going to use on that shop dude when he finally hooks up with your daughter, Stephanie? Because they are building that scenario up like crazy.

(6) Bert on Project Runway – Listen, I have a lot of sympathy for the fact that your husband died of AIDS and you turned to alcohol to recover. I’m proud of you for fighting your way out of addiction. But why are you so full of piss and vinegar? You seem like you’re capable of being nice, but you just choose to be crotchety and argumentative. Do you need a hug? Also: Can you please tell the producers that 90 minutes for this show is just far, far too long? Someone inevitably falls asleep while watching this and we’re on the verge of deleting it from our DVR lineup forever.


"I just want to be alone with my blanky and my thoughts."


(7) Jeff Lewis from Flipping Out (BTW: We have the season finale on the DVR so this may be out of date already) – Can you really not see that Gage is evil incarnate? He’s a scythe running through your office, mowing down anyone who preceded him. I fear for Zoila and Jett. I really do. Although, watching him take care of Casey after her back surgery was quite touching. But mark my words, more heads will roll if Gage has his way. He wants you totally reliant upon him.


"He will be mine and only mine!"


(8) Lindsay Jackson from Toddlers and Tiaras – I actually don’t watch this show, but a coworker told me about this little stop at dysfunction junction in the kitchen at work this morning. Did you really stuff your four-year-old-daughter’s shirt for a Dolly Parton skit? Seriously?? What the what?? I’m not exactly gearing up to be mother of the year or anything, but even I know that’s wrong. And super creepy.

(9) Paul Sr. on American Chopper – Do you really think you’re ever going to rebuild a relationship with your son when you keep trash talking him all the damn time? You look like an ass, and make him look better and better the more you open your trap.

(10) Cast of Real Housewives of New Jersey – It’s not a question so much as a request: just stop having parties, please. People keep getting in fights and getting hurt. When people fall on their face on a stone floor, chip a tooth and then keep on drinking wine, something’s not right. And that whole trip to the Catskills earlier this season still gives me the “Deliverance” chills. And all this back and forth on slights and disrespect is snoring. None of you are exactly Miss Manners. Please, just stop entertaining. 

Honestly, she should be shot for those pajamas.

I have to go now. Rachel Zoe is on and Real Housewives of Beverly Hills is on after that. I don’t know when I’m going to have time to eat or pack.


2 thoughts on “10 (or so) Questions for My Favorite Reality TV Shows

  1. this is an amazing post and really hits on some key issues in reality TV. I totally agree with Ms. Abbey Lee from Dance moms. I also need to know why if Vivi-Anne (note spelling)’s mother owns a dance school, why she has to bring her daughter to Abbey Lee.

    And i am going to totally suggest you consider tuning in to the train-wreck that is toddlers and tiaras. i think you will find a lot of moms, oddly resembling ms abbey lee, trying to live out their dreams through their overly made-up, spray tanned, hookerishly dressed children. its a hot mess.

    And Yes, Botox Bonnie. what was your PhD in again? and you have a husband? where is he? he only comes to dinner when there are food fights or water being thrown from glasses? And why doesn’t Bonnie ever work? And what about Leslie? I’m with Pam – a beige ferrari? several homes? i don’t think so. so many questions.

    1. Man, again, so many great questions! I too think it very odd that Vivi-Anne is at Abbie Lee’s school. But then, when you think about it, it’s really all about being on television. I’m sure she heard about the show and hustled her butt over to Abbie Lee’s to enroll her kid faster than Maddie can pirouette.

      Yeah, Leslie’s story is super sketch. Almost as sketch as Bonnie’s.

      I must say, last night’s Rachel Zoe and the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills BROUGHT IT. They totally got their claws in me and now my Wednesday nights are gonzo.

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