Like That Time I Was Almost Related to Someone on ‘Big Rich Texas’

I was watching an older episode of Big Rich Texas—one of the trashiest and painfully fake reality shows out there, ergo: my favorite—the other night. Suddenly, my couch-snuggle-buddy-for-life and commander of the remote control, XFE turned and asked me, “Did you hear what Melissa’s last name was?”

What are you doing with that mallet, Maddie? No reason to get all Chucky on me. I'm not stealing your inheritance or anything.

You see, we were watching the episode where wannabe-model Melissa was at a doctor’s office to discuss a possible weight-loss diet. An extremely limited and dangerous weight watch diet. As her daughter Maddie said, “The 500 calories a day doesn’t seem healthy at all, I mean, I probably consumed that on the car ride over here.”

Anyway, I was so busy looking at Melissa’s lip gloss, I had totally missed the part where the doctor went into the waiting room and called out her name. Turns out: She’s a POE!! Her last name is Poe! The same as mine! And I’m from Texas! A long-lost relative, no doubt.

From that point on, I was scouring the show for clues of our undoubted relatedness (ok, not even a word. Oh, wait. Apparently it IS a word).

Let’s see….

Melissa wants to get back into modeling after a 15-year hiatus.

How on earth is this considered "plus size?" UGH.

ME: Yeah, I have never entertained any modeling illusions whatsoever. Although, I do have the over-bloated confidence of a model most days. 

Melissa is an overbearing mother who won’t let her 15-year-old daughter date.

Smothering is mothering!

ME: Petunia can date whoever she wants. I don’t care, as long as they feed her. That cat can put the kibble away, if you know what I mean.

"I'm going to eat your face off while you sleep."

Melissa cries when an agent suggests she might need to be a plus-sized model.

ME: Cool. Is the pay the same?

So yeah, not a lot of similarities, I guess. Probably not related. So I guess I better not hit her up for money or modeling advice or anything.

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