Baby, I’m a Firework

Holy hot flashes. This scares me. Because, as my bed-partner-till-spontaneous-combustion-do-us-part XFE will tell you, sleeping next to me is like sleeping with the sun. I’m hot y’all. Really, really hot.

According to the Irish Times:

“A CORONER’S court has heard how a man who died in a fire in his house three days before Christmas had spontaneously combusted.

The case was outlined in Galway yesterday, where an inquest into the death of a pensioner heard how investigators were baffled as to how Michael Faherty had died.

A verdict was returned that the man died of a phenomenon called spontaneous human combustion. (emphasis mine.)

Mr Faherty (76), originally from Connemara, died at his house at Clareview Park, Ballybane, Galway, on December 22nd.

West Galway corner Dr Ciarán McLoughlin said he had never encountered such a case in the 25 years that he had been investigating deaths in the region.

Forensic experts found that a fire in the fireplace of the sittingroom where the badly burnt body was found was not the cause of the blaze that killed Mr Faherty.

The court was told that no trace of an accelerant had been found and there was nothing to suggest foul play…..“This fire was thoroughly investigated and I’m left with the conclusion that this fits into the category of spontaneous human combustion, for which there is no adequate explanation,” he said.”

The coroner said the fire had been confined to the sittingroom and the rest of the house sustained only smoke damage. The only damage was to the body, which was cremated, the ceiling above him and the floor underneath.

That's right: Dude was a human torch.

DANG Y’ALL! Among all the other things I worry about (yeah, I’m looking at you brain-eating amoebas), I’ve always been worried about spontaneous human combustion. And now, here’s confirmation that I should, indeed, be very, very worried.

Despite the fact that I freeze away during the day, I am in fact a very hot sleeper. Like, scorching hot, can’t even touch my skin hot. It’s very odd because like I said, during the day, I’m quite cold. I can’t get warm. But somewhere in the middle of the night, I turn into this lady:

This is a total exact replication of what I look like while sleeping at night. Yep, accurate as hell.

I haven’t always been a hot sleeper, I don’t think. But somewhere over the last 5-6 years, I’ve definitely noticed an uptick in my body temperature when I sleep. XFE shirks from my fiery touch (that sounds way worse than it actually is.) Petunia won’t even sleep with me in the summer, and that cat is up in my business ALL THE TIME.

I don’t blame either of them. I routinely kick of the sheets and flip my pillows over looking for a cool spot. I don’t even want to sleep with myself. But when winter comes around? Both Petunia and XFE use me like the human heater I am.

And yes, I’ve asked my doctor about it (along with a query about my oddly lumpy head. Man, I got issues). She isn’t the most sympathetic practitioner out there. She says I’m fine. I question where she got her medical degree. According to the Internet, I might be dying. Stupid Internet.  

Stuff like this isn’t helping my paranoia: According to this story in the UK Huffington Post:

“Liquefied fat is the reason that the body burns, according to one rather gruesome theory, ‘the wick effect’.

Once ‘the wick’ or clothes have ignited, fat from the burning body seeps out and acts as the fuel source, allowing the victim to burn further. Fat burns at a much higher temperature than other substances, and many of the victims have been overweight. Home Office pathologist Professor Michael Green told the BBC in 2005: ‘The way the body burns – the so-called wick effect – seems to me and to my colleagues to be the most scientifically credible hypothesis.’”

First off: EEEEWWWWW. Secondly, holy human candle! Terrifying. I better go drink some ice water. And lay off the funnel cakes so I don’t add “fuel to the fire” so to speak. Anyone else out there a hot sleeper? We should maybe form a community, hold a telethon or something, to pay for some more research into this dangerous condition.

Spontaneous Human Combustion is no laughing matter.

4 thoughts on “Baby, I’m a Firework

  1. Have you tried a fan? Your own personal air conditioner blasting straight at your side of the bed? Might help.

    A doctor once told me, “What ever you do, don’t Google!” Of course, I never listened and Googled various health-related stuff anyways. I am going to croak too. 🙂


    1. I’m thinking our celebrity spokesperson could be Drew Barrymore. She was, after all, the original Firestarter. Natasha, do you think its related to out love of spicy food?

Leave a Reply