At Least They’re Providing Lunch

I received a disturbing email in my inbox at work last Friday. No, I have not (yet) been fired for taking too many vacations. (Hey, at least I’m not out having babies or something else really time consuming. Remember? I’m a great employee!)

No, the email was to inform me that CIGNA would be conducting a course on “Holiday Survival Skills.”

This is where you stash the fifth of whiskey and earplugs.

What the what? Are we talking like, how not to kill your relatives during the holidays? Or, the best place to park at the mall on Black Friday?

Here’s what the email said: 

“Peace and joy this holiday season can be yours by following a few easy holiday survival tips. Make the most of your time and budget to satisfy everyone on your holiday list and you, too!”

Peace and joy? And what’s this “budget” thingy? Is this work code for “don’t expect bonuses this year?” Oh wait. I don’t receive work bonuses. Dang.

Join representatives from CIGNA as they present a winning formula for a stress-free holiday season. Their holiday survival skills seminar will include how to:

  • Prioritize your time to complete all holiday tasks;
  • Set and manage a holiday budget; and
  • Prepare for holiday shopping.

Again with the budget thing! And what are all these “holiday tasks?” My holiday tasks involve eating too much and opening presents, and I don’t really worry about “prioritizing my time” on either task. They sort of take care of themselves.

Wait…..is this a suggestion that we NOT online shop at work during the holiday season? Are the fine people in Human Resources worried that I might ‘prioritize’ shopping over work during this joyous holiday season? Touche, HR, well played. Let me assure you that for me and many of my female co-workers, shopping is always a priority – holiday or not.

I also love the “prepare for holiday shopping” bullet. Is this perhaps something on the best type of steel-toed shoes to wear to stampede over other people when rushing the door at your local Wal-Mart?

"Weren't the sales just great. I'm so glad we decided to tailgate at the outlets this Thanksgiving. Thanks for the tip, CIGNA!"

What, pray tell, will this “winning formula” include? Will they suggest, perhaps, making time for yourself during the hectic holiday season? Because, that’s not really a problem for selfish little ol’me.

Perhaps the winning formula involves giving the boss a bottle of whiskey while asking for additional days off? That might be a helpful tidbit…..Or the best gift for your picky boyfriend/life partner who buys himself any damn thing he wants when he wants it and doesn’t leave anything for anyone else to buy for him on special occasions?

Maybe Petunia needs some help. Currently, her holiday and every other day survival strategy is to hide away until people leave. This website has some great survival skills for cats, although I really cannot agree with them that you should, “Resist the urge to tie a pretty bow around Kitty’s neck.” It’s pretty! How can that be bad? Petunia would look adorable with a saucy tartan bow stuck on her head!

Petunia would scratch my corneas if I tried this on her.

I suspect Petunia ghost-wrote this one: “Remind guests not to offer ‘people’ food to your pets. And have some of your cat’s favorite treats on hand – just in case.” Yes, please give my Rubenesque cat more treats.

My friend and co-worker Katie summed things up pretty well: “Unless someone is going to teach me crowd fighting tactics like the art of throwing ‘bows and escalator domination, I can’t imagine anyone needing this.”

She’s so spot on.

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