Bath Salts are the New Meth

I worry about the next generation. I really do. In general, but specifically, when it comes to their recreational activities.

Listen, I’m no expert on recreational drugs. I’d be the world’s worst druggie – I’m already paranoid and prone to hypochondria, I can’t keep a secret, I’m a horrible liar, and I’m squeamish about things entering my nose, or my veins. Nope, not good druggie material whatsoever.

I do, however, consider myself mildly addicted to a nice relaxing hot bath. Preferably, scented with some nice bubble bath or some bath oils.

But young people are about to ruin that pleasure for all of us, turning a lovely nighttime ritual into an illicit and illegal activity. Recently, it has come to my attention that young people are now abusing luxury bath products. Specifically, bath salts.

This story caught my eye last May.

“Police say an Alum Creek man high on bath salts killed his neighbor’s pygmy goat and that neighbors found him in his bedroom, dressed in a bra and panties, next to the dead animal. Thompson allegedly told police he was on bath salts for about three days.”

Well, sure. It is in West Virginia, after all. Wild and wonderful, isn’t that their marketing slogan? Indeed. Quick question? I’m sure the goat had it coming and everything, probably looked at the druggie in the wrong way, perhaps judging the pornographic material said druggie had brought on the scene, but why the women’s underwear? Is that really necessary? And who’s underwear are we talking about here? The neighbor’s?

One of my favorite aspects of any crime report is the interview and quotes from the unsuspecting and friendly neighbors.

Powers said she and her family have lived next to Thompson for about three years. She said she took him to church with her family more than a year ago.

“Then he stole the communion wine and went out the downstairs door,” she said. “I never took him back. … We tried to be friends with him until we saw how he was.”

Yep, can’t be friends with a church wine thief. That is a deal breaker.

Then, today I found this story from the always reliable New York Post: 

Snorting bath salts put one Ohio crook in the holiday spirit, police say. Cops in Vandalia, north of Dayton, say Terry Trent, 44, was high on the designer drug when he broke into a family’s home, put up some Christmas decorations and then plopped down on a couch to watch television, local station WHIO reported.

Hmmm. Interior decorator, huh? Maybe he’s ticked off that Bravo Andy will not hear our pleas and bring back Million Dollar Decorator? That’s one way to protest Bravo’s injustice, I suppose. And since when is bath salts considered a “designer drug?” I mean, Jean Nate notwithstanding. Obviously.

Upon further investigation (ie: Google), I found out that several states have passed laws banning the sale of bath salts! And dealers who defy the ban (ie: mom and pop drug stores) face severe penalties and even jail time!

This story on Ocala.com is particularly sad, if a bit melodramatic. Most of the stories were like that, quite dramatic. It smacked of local TV news affiliates with their teaser promo: “Later, it comes in pastel colors and in deceptively attractive containers. But kids are stealing their grandmother’s bath salts and are paying the ultimate price – their lives. What parents can do to protect their teens, tonight at 11.”

Other reports seem just plain ridiculous:

“In Panama City, Florida, several officers were needed to subdue a man on bath salts who tore a radar unit out of a police car with his teeth. In the same city, a woman attacked her mother with a machete, thinking she was a monster. A Louisiana man attempted to remove his own liver with a mechanical pencil, and in Mississippi, a man on bath salts killed a sheriff’s deputy.

Now alerted to such bath salt side-effects as superhuman strength and extreme combativeness, Maine police are gearing up to deal with this new breed of addict. Hancock County Sheriff’s Department is buying eight new Tasers so patrol officers can successfully subdue people in the throes of a bath salt psychosis.”

NONE of this sounds like a good time. None of it. Holy highness, what’s next you ask? Well, I’ll tell you. Because I also found this story today.

“What we’re hearing about is teenagers utilizing tampons, soak them in vodka first before using them,” Thomas said.

“It gets absorbed directly into the bloodstream. There’s no barrier, there’s no stomach acid to prevent it,” Thomas said.

What the what? No way. Oh, and it gets better.

“This is definitely not just girls,” Thomas said. “Guys will also use it and they’ll insert it into their rectums.” Rather than the traditional beer bong you’d find at a college party, kids are sticking the tube elsewhere to get wasted. They’re calling it “butt chugging.”

Whoa. Mind. Blown.

What’s next? Chugging shampoo? Shooting up teeth whitening paste? Where does it end? Am I going to have to buy my toiletries from the nice pharmacist counter, where they are currently keeping the cough syrup and allergy medicine under tight wraps?

Actually, this does explain Towelie. He’s obviously hopped up on Mr. Bubbles.

I know I’m old, but this is crazy, right?