Turkey, Breasts and Hog Wrasslin’: The Perfect Holiday Recipe

Damn vegetarians try to ruin everything, including Texas. And Thanksgiving.

As Thanksgiving approaches, PETA has asked the mayor of Turkey, Texas to change the name of his town to “Tofurky,” a vegan turkey alternative.

Now, I know that industrial farming in this country is horrible. I know this. I read “The Omnivore’s Dilemma.” I’ve wrestled with my own guilt on this one. And I was a vegetarian for about 7 years, while living in Austin, if you can imagine. I’ve actually tasted Tofurky. It’s not the worst thing I’ve ever put in my mouth.

Besides, my favorite part of Thanksgiving is the sides – I pile my plate with mashed potatoes, dressing, cranberry sauce, green bean casserole, candied yams, gravy, rolls….turkey actually makes up a very small part of my Thanksgiving feast. So I’m not here to defend or criticize the eating of turkey. Do whatever the hell you want. I don’t care. I’ll be on the couch with my stretchy pants shoveling multiple types of pie in my face.

But I certainly don’t feel like a small town in Texas (population is around 500, according to Wikipedia) should be embroiled in this debate. I agree with this resident on CNN:

“Well, I believe in everybody having their own opinion, but there’s a bumper sign that you can get any place in Texas at tourist bureaus. It says, ‘Don’t mess with Texas.’ My theory is, we’re going to make a new sign– don’t mess with Turkey, Texas.”

But don’t worry. Good will prevail. The grill-master-of-my-domain XFE alerted me to this story.

“In response to the open letter from PETA calling on Turkey, Texas to change its name to Tofurky, Texas, co-founders of Pork Barrel BBQ, the nation’s fastest-growing barbecue sauce company, have presented Pat Carson, the Mayor of Turkey, Texas with an appetizing offer to temporarily change the town’s name to “Barbecue, Texas.”

“Heath Hall and Brett Thompson, widely recognized for creating the award-winning all-American BBQ sauce and spice rub company and their reality TV show appearances on ABC’s Shark Tank, are offering to fork over $1,000 immediately and $5 from every Picnic or Party Pack sold on its website from November 18th through December 9th in exchange for the town changing its name to “Barbecue, Texas” for 16 hours – split evenly between three Turkey, Texas Charities.”

We love these guys. I mean, they created a cologne called 'Que' for crying out loud! Guess what it smells like?

All capitalization issues aside — That. Is. Awesome. I hope the town takes them up on this. I’d buy a party pack if they did. By the way, Pork Barrel BBQ is based here in DC.

And the quotes in this story are THE BEST:

“It’s not that we have a beef with PETA,” said Thompson. “We like BBQ veggies as much as the next person. We’re just not sure the people of Texas are ready to embrace Tofu in the shape of a Turkey.”

“As we approach Thanksgiving the great people of Texas have a lot of things to be thankful for, including access to some of the best slow smoked barbecue in the world,” added Hall. “If barbecue can claim to have a power, it is the power to bring people together and we hope our efforts to raise funds for these worthwhile charities will do just that.”

Damn straight.

Speaking of Texas barbecue, there is a show on A&E called American Hoggers, where this awesome redneck family in Texas goes around helping to eliminate the hog overpopulation in Texas. It’s truly great American television art.

“American Hoggers is a new original real-life series that follows the Campbell family and their struggle to rescue Texas residents and ranches from the devastating chaos caused by millions of invasive wild boars.

Each episode of “American Hoggers” follows legendary hog hunter Jerry Campbell, 64, his level-headed son, Robert, 28, and firecracker daughter, Krystal, 23, as they respond to those threatened by feral hogs.”

XFE and I have stumbled on it a few times and watched a bit here and there. Jerry is so indecipherable that they actually use subtitles. He’s speaking English, but you can’t make out a word of it.

One of the things I noticed right away is how attractive the daughter is. Her name is Krystal Pistol Campbell. She’s pretty dang hot. And she’s running around, getting sweaty and wrestling hogs. All in a tight tank top with heaving busoms on display. And she’s riding a galloping horse.

Those puppies are in 3-D. Or is that 36-D? Whatever. They're all BAM.

Well, apparently A&E got a clue, and now there’s a spinoff. Now there’s Lady Hoggers. Here’s the description:

“In the heart of Florida, hog hunters are taking a stand against an ever-exploding population that is ruining the livelihood of their communities. Around Lake Okeechobee in Florida—Hog Country—there is another breed of hunter that is taking on these insane boars bare-handed—and they mean business: Gary Stamper, Christine Chreene, and Julie Snead are the most passionate hog hunters you’ll find anywhere.”

They’re passionate alright. And mighty easy on the eyes. And scantily clad, if I do say so myself. Except Gary. Gary’s in overalls.

I'm saying this as a hetero woman in a long-term relationship: that's kinda hot.

Both ladies are from Texas, by the way. Here’s a line from Chistine’s bio:

“Now blazing the swamps of Florida, she’s been proving that this fine-looking southern woman can take a hog by the hinds like no other.”

Indeed.

I’m gonna go eat some of XFE’s awesome ribs. He made pork ribs on the Big Green Egg and while I put up a fuss about him buying four racks when we were at Costco, I’m pretty happy he did since there are all these delicious leftovers.

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