The Lazy Person’s Guide to New Year’s Resolutions

I’m not really much into New Year’s resolutions. (Wait, is it “New Year resolutions,” or “New Year’s resolutions?” Now I’m not sure….)

Anyway, I’m a work in progress and this project is way over schedule and budget, so making goals once a year seems a bit silly. Plus, I make (and break) goals all day, every day. For example: “I will not make eye contact with crazy people today.” Ooops. Failed the minute I entered the DC metro system.

Or, “I will not cuss at work today.” Damn. Already failed when I got to work and realized I did not have my work badge and had to call a supervisor to come escort me to my floor.

Also: (and far more common) “I will not be a whiny little wimp when my Full Time Lover for Life XFE busts my chops over some trivial little thing, such as my age or clumsiness.” Nope. Chops busted = sniveling and sensitive.

BUT, in the spirit of the New Year, I figured I’d give this whole resolutions thing a go. And, since I am a wimp, I decided to make resolutions that should be really, really easy to keep. Unless I just lose all control over myself. Which could happen. But hopefully won’t.

  • I will not break into a beauty salon and steal hair for weaves.
  • I will not snort bath salts or other toiletry products that are not intended to be snorted. Which I think might be, oh, I don’t know, ALL OF THEM.
  • I will not get eaten by sharks in Australia. Well, I can’t really guarantee that, but perhaps by just verbalizing it, it might come true?
  • I will not get into a hot tub with a weatherman carrying a dog collar. Maybe just weathermen not carrying dog collars? No, that’s not prudent either. So, to recap, no hot tubbing with weathermen.
  • I will not pick my nose and put it on the bathroom walls at work. (Notice I said “at work.” Other locations are fair game!)
  • I will not poop in other people’s yard. Nor mine, for that matter. So no yard pooping, just as a general, overall rule in life.
  • I will not eat mushrooms just growing willy nilly anywhere. I will only eat store-purchased mushrooms. I’ll even stay away from the ones at the farmer’s market, just to be completely safe.
  • I will not stab anybody in the bootie. Actually, let’s just add “I will not stab anyone anywhere.” I feel pretty good about my ability to keep that resolution.
  • I will not use a neti pot. Not that I ever have. Or would. I’m terribly squeamish about putting things up my nose. Which includes my finger, which brings us back to not picking my nose and putting it on bathroom walls. Or anywhere else.

Man, that’s a long list of stuff I can’t do. Really doesn’t leave much in the way of fun now, does it? Sheesh.  Maybe my “to do” resolution list should include “stimulate the economy by shopping far too much” (puhlease, so easy), “watch more bad reality television” (snort. AS IF.), and “subscribe to more magazines.”

If you’re having a hard time coming up with some resolutions, go check out this “resolution generator.” Some of them are pretty funny. And lame.

3 thoughts on “The Lazy Person’s Guide to New Year’s Resolutions

Leave a Reply