We all know, as faithful readers of US Weekly, that adopting kids is pretty hot in Hollywood. Just a couple of days ago, news, ahem, I mean, “news” outlets were speculating that Khloe and Kim Kardashian were considering adoption. OK magazine says Kate Middleton thinks adoption is cool, so there you go. Case. Closed.
And then there’s the mother of all adoption, Angelina Jolie, who has not ruled out adopting more kids with her XFE-wannabe-man-lover-for-life Brad Pitt. But where to adopt from, that’s the real stumper. There’s Ethiopia. Bosnia. Germany. (Actually, I made that last one up. I have no idea what that German article is saying.)
So to help our erstwhile little do-gooders out there expand their multi-cultural families with more and more photogenic children, I thought I’d help out with a special edition of America’s Next Top Model: International Child Adoption Edition.
America’s Next Top Model: International Child Adoption Edition
TYRA: I have four beautiful girls and boys standing before me, but I only have three pictures, in my hands; and these photos represent the three of you that will still be in the running towards becoming Bradgelina’s Next Adopted Child.
J. Alexander: Show me FIERCE.
TYRA: [to Bosnia child] Bosnia, you are beautiful, your smile is breathtaking, but you have anger that makes you push yourself too hard, to the point where you lose focus and become difficult to work with.
Miss J: The camera absolutely loves her.
TYRA: [to Ethiopia child] Ethiopia, the fact that you’re crying right now, shows me you have so many layers and you’ve got a lot to give. But that didn’t come across in your photo session with Nigel this week.
Nigel Barker: Ethiopia isn’t truly present in this shot—and the mouth, you know, it’s too tight. [purses his lips to illustrate]
Miss J: Work it, girl.
TYRA: [to Vietnam child] V, sometimes getting lost is the only way to be discovered.
J. Alexander: Does anybody know what the hell she’s talking about?
Miss J: Walk like it’s for sale and the rent is due tonight!
TYRA: [to Belize child] And Belize, my mama always said, if you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything.
J. Alexander: Again, anybody? Just a clue? Someone fill me in?
Andre Leon Talley: [describing Belize] There’s some super power pushing him. There’s a force of nature that’s propelling him.
TYRA: What I’m looking for is a star. That’s all I’m looking for. I have four beautiful ladies and gentlemen standing before me, but I have only one photo in my hand, and this photo represents the one of you that will still be in the running towards becoming Bradgelina’s Next Adopted Child. I will only call one name, and those three that I do not call must immediately return to your loft here in Los Angeles, pack your belongings, and go home.
Silence. Suspension. Tension. Serious face. Accentuated cheekbones. Downcast eyes.
TYRA: Belize, Congratulations. You are Bradgelina’s Next Adopted Child.
Vietnam: I’m pissed. I’ve put my heart and soul into this, and it wasn’t enough. And the other contestants were so mean to me and called me names. It just really sucks. And I feel really misunderstood and I’m sad.
Ethiopa: It’s cool. I’m definitely going to go back to pageants because I think that really helps you develop more as a woman, where modeling is just more of a career.
Bosnia: [glares and mutters something inaudible].
(*This is not serious and is not meant to be a story pitch for a television show idea. Although, considering some of the shows that are out there, I would not be surprised if someone picked this up. And if they do, and it makes money then I totally want my share and am ready to step up and take credit for the idea.)
((ALSO: I’m a super big fan of adoption. Really, I am. No seriously, I have many, many friends who are adopted. And we get along GREAT. I can provide references, if need be. Basically, I think it’s one of the most noble, selfless things a person can do. So don’t get mad at me for poking fun at Hollywood.))