Commercials To Set Your DVR To, and Keep You Up at Night Fretting Over Gout

Finally the major work project we’ve all been busting our collective behinds on is over. Well, can any major project really ever be over? Let me assure you the answer is no. However, the largest and most immediate deadline has passed.

I can now get back to keeping on the lookout for new, bad reality programming.

It was while pursuing this hobby the other night that I saw the most amazing commercial, obviously intended to put me in full, hypochondria panic mode.

I was watching Discovery Channel, which, by the way, has some major intriguing reality shows coming up. I mean, what is one to make of this gem?

It’s like a cross between two of my favorite shows: “Gold Rush” and “Deadliest Catch.” Which I’m pretty sure is basically how the pitch for “Bering Sea Gold” went.

Anyway, if the commercial is accurate (and I mean, come on! It’s television! Of course it’s accurate) these Bering Sea gold miners are an exceedingly tough crew. One of them says he’s involved in such a dangerous occupation because he’s got to pay the bills. Fair enough. But then he says that he has the kind of bills that you go to jail if you don’t pay!

(I’m thinking child support, although my personal experiences in the child support system suggest that paying it is really only a suggestion and nothing bad will happen to you if you choose to ignore the obligation. You certainly don’t go to jail over it, in my own experience. Right, deadbeat dads out there? High five for being losers).

So, these undersea gold prospectors seem kinda tough. I think I even saw one eating nails or something. I don’t suspect they’ll be bumbling around hoping to stumble on some gold like the clueless crew over on Gold Rush. No, I think these guys have got this stuff figured out.

I can’t even wrap my head around the concept of looking for gold deep underwater in an ocean (alright, a “sea”) that’s incredibly, incredibly cold. There are just so many easier ways to pay bills that get you thrown in jail if you forget to pay them. Like, working at Starbucks, just as an example. Who even looked out on the Bering Sea and said, “Yep, I bet there’s a ton of gold out there. Let’s go get that.”

Yes, I will probably be watching this one.

What was I saying? Oh yes, the panic-inducing commercial. Well, I mean the other panic inducing commercial, not the dying-in-frigid-seas-because-I-have-to-avoid-jail commercial. I’ll get to that other commercial in a minute.

But first, before I forget, I have got to tell you about another show coming on the History Channel and this one is completely shrouded in mystery for me. It’s a commercial for a show called “Full Metal Jousting.”

Now, obviously, the incredibly success of NatGeo’s “Knights of Mayhem” has every cable channel scrambling to rip off that money-making formula (are you sensing the sarcasm here?) And this is History’s offering.

The commercial is very intriguing and manly – just a black screen with the logo and some swishing metal blades noises. However, after my last foray into the world of watching competitive jousting, I think I’ll skip it. But I thought it was interesting to note this new “trend” in cable TV formatting. And, if I know my reality TV clichés, the next iteration of this show will feature buxom women jousters of some sort. (For examples, see: “American Pickers” + girls = “Picker Sisters;” “American Hoggers” + girls = “Lady Hoggers;” “Deadliest Catch” + girls = “Hook, Line and Sisters”)

So while these two commercials are very, very interesting, this commercial is the one that made me sit straight up in my chair in fear.

This commercial starts innocently enough: A nice gentlemen in a white coat is speaking in soothing yet questioning tones. I imagine he’s talking about cholesterol or something but then I start paying attention and suddenly I realize he’s actually telling me that the gout is going to get me!

It can attack silently, and he says I may not feel it (a quick mental check confirms that I don’t feel anything,) but if I don’t treat it right away, I’ll experience constant pain and joint destruction!

All because of this horrible uric acid stuff! Which is continuously building up in my joints! Dangit! When and where have I been injesting uric acid? And just how tasty is it: ie: how difficult is it going to be for me to kick the uric habit (with my undoubtably already gouty foot and ankle)?

Man, I’m terrified. This gout situation is likely to keep me from getting any sleep. Luckily, the fine folks at Takeda Pharmaceuticals (the ones who put that gout commercial out there) also offer prescription sleep medication to deal with insomnia.

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