Listen, I’m a girl who likes a party. Heck, I’m a girl who likes to find out about a birthday party secretly being planned for her (oh yes, that happened this weekend. As someone who cannot keep a secret, and hates surprises, I’m quite relieved and excited to find out about this surprise birthday party. I need at least three weeks to acquire a proper tiara).
Anyway, this is the type of stuff that happens when you try to “surprise” someone at a party: People get bear maced.
A swinging couple sprayed a can of bear repellent into the face of a man after a weekend sex session arranged on the internet went wrong. Stephen Barclay, 36, and his lover Leanne Reid, 31, had spent a drug-fuelled weekend with total stranger Owen Greenan at their home. The couple had arranged for him to stay at their isolated property for the orgy after they contacted each other online.
Isn’t the Internet a wonder? You can order almost anything. Sparkly birthday tiarar? Check. Bear repellent? Check. Random stranger for threesome? CHECK.
Also: Can we just agree that we really can’t call a gathering of three people an “orgy.” There must be a minimum number of sexed up strangers for an orgy classification, no? Maybe I’ve just seen “Eyes Wide Shut” too many times (which would be once.)
Prosecutor Gary Dow told the court that the weekend ‘had gone well’ before matters escalated. He said Mr Greenan had been woken up on the couch at 4am by Reid who invited him into the couple’s bedroom for a smoke. But on arriving there he found Barclay sitting in a hot tub drinking a can of beer.
What a relief that things ‘had gone well.’ Can’t imagine how things would have ended if the weekend had not started well. Now, I don’t know if Barclay is a weatherman, but we do know that we should be careful of men drinking in hot tubs, correct?
Mr Dow said: ‘The complainer sat on the toilet seat and Mr Barclay held a phone out to take a photo.
‘He told the complainer, “smile for the camera.” ‘He went to get up and Leanne Reid said “f****** smile”. She also had said that she was going to get a knife to stab him.
Well, that’s not very hospitable. That is no way to treat a guest. My boyfriend-for-life is notoriously camera shy as well, but I would never threaten to get a knife and stab him. It just seems like a bit of an overreaction.
‘Mr Barclay then said to the complainer, “Do you think you can come here all weekend, **** my wife and nothing will happen?”.’
Well played. Barclay does have a point there. You can’t just go and shag someone’s wife all weekend and then refuse to pose for a simple photo.
Barclay then instructed Reid to give him the repellent, which he told police he had bought in Canada, before he sprayed it on his victim. Mr Dow added: ‘The complainer then ran out of the house leaving his belongings.’
I admit, I’m quite curious about Mr. Greenan’s “belongings.” What do we suppose he left behind? Also: it seems like there might have been a considerable lapse in time between when the can of Canadian bear repellant was ordered and when it appeared. Couldn’t Greenan have gotten out before getting sprayed?
Mr Greenan was later taken to Wishaw General Hospital where he was treated for his injuries and held in a contamination room before being released. Representing Barclay, defence agent Neil McShane told the court that drugs had played a part in the weekend’s events.
He said: ‘This occurred at a time when parties had been taking ketamine. ‘Mr Barclay had been up with very little sleep from Friday to Sunday.’
Really? Ketamine? Color me surprised. I would have thought maybe ecstasy was more conducive to an orgy, but I’m not really an orgy expert. Seems like horse tranquilizer would be more conducive to just sitting in a hot tub. I didn’t realize it made people violent. But seeing how nippy and attitude-prone horses are, this actually makes sense.
Archie Hill, who represented Reid, described the attack as ‘an unfortunate turn of events’.
You don’t say. Mostly unfortunate for Bear Repellant Face Greenan.
Sheriff Nikola Stewart deferred sentence on the pair until next month for a full range of reports.
She said: ‘I’m intrigued to what’s going on. It’s a concern that I see people taking advantage of someone that was a guest in their remote home.’
You and me both, Sheriff Nikola Stewart. Intrigued, indeed. Let’s get some more sordid details!
Barclay and Reid admitted assaulting Mr Greenan by ordering him to sit on a toilet seat, threatening to stab him, ordering him to remove his hands from his face and discharging the bear repellent in his face.
Barclay also pleaded guilty to unlawful possession of cannabis worth up to £7,650 and the canister of the Sabre Wild Max Bear Attack deterrent.
WHOA, whoa, whoa! Stop the clock! This stuff is called ‘Sabre Wild Max Bear Attack?” I think Axe has a line of body sprays called Sabre Wild Max Bear Attack!
Reid’s not guilty plea to a charge that she had wasted police time by alleging that Mr Greenan had raped her was accepted by prosecutors and the charge was dropped. Charges that Barclay and Reid had possessed and supplied amphetamine and ketamine on the same date were also dropped. Both refused to comment as they left court.
But they were both wearing fetching fur-trimmed hoodies.
Note to self: Do not invite Reid and Barclay to my birthday party. Also: Find out if bear repellent works on sharks.