This Makes Us The Last Unmarried Couple in the World

What the What? Angelina Jole and Brad Pitt are engaged?

When the hell did this happen?

I admit I’ve been distracted this week. My boss is out on vacation and left me to run a global multmedia empire all by myself. And when I say “global,” I mean maaaaaaybe a couple of thousand readers. When I say “multimedia,” I mean that occasionally we embed a video into a story. And when I say “empire,” I mean me, in my cube, with a janky old computer.

But no excuse! This news is nothing short of devastating. There is nothing to celebrate here, people. And this affects me personally. Whenever people would shake their head or tsk at mine and XFE’s lack of matrimony, I could point to these two and snort, “If it’s good enough for Angelina and Brad, it’s good enough for us.”

Angelina and Brad were my living-in-sin idols. They were my co-habitating co-horts. My domestic-rules-of-society-be-damned doppelgangers.

Sure, I’m much thinner and more stunning than Angelina, and XFE is a thousand times better looking than Brad. And, ok, rather than have a brood of beautiful, multi-ethnic children, we’ve only adopted one multi-colored cat. Thus far.

But still, the similarities were far greater than the differences.

I feel so betrayed. Now who will I look to for guidance on how to avoid the yoke of matrimony? What happened to: “You don’t have to be married to be committed to a partner or your family??” (That’s a quote! From you, Angelina!! I’ve read everything ever printed on this subject!)

I guess there’s Jon Hamm and that Jennifer chick that was in “Kissing Jessica Stein.” Not exactly the most high-profile couple, but I guess they’ll have to do.

On the plus side, I suppose I’m less upset than that poor ol’ Jennifer Aniston. Justin Theroux better get on the ball or he’ll never hear the end of it.