Maybe Petunia Can Get Some Sexy Tips from Luc Carl

I was going to blog about this pet photo contest going on over at Kimpton Hotels and ask everyone to vote for my petite princess Petunia Potpie, but since there’s this cheating dog wearing bunny ears named Ice who basically racked up an impossible 250 votes in less than six hours, I’m not going to even waste mine or Petunia’s time.

Petunia got a respectable 18 votes in that same time period, but I don’t think she can catch up, even in a two week voting period. Considering that the winners of the last two rounds garnered a two-week total of 514 and 495 respectively, I smell shenanigans. Pet contest cheating shenanigans. Unless this Ice dog is some sort of celebrity or something, I just don’t see how this is possible.

HOWEVER, if you support freedom and democracy and want to vote for the super-adorableness that is Petunia, she’s on the last page (which is technically the first page, since the pictures load in reverse order of when they were uploaded. Whatever.)  So scroll past all the other really cute and adorable pictures until you find the little beastie below. Then, all you have to do is hit “like.”  :

This is the photo you're looking for. Most of the other pets are awake, so that should help you identify the Toons.

So, instead, boys and girls, pupils in my virtual classroom, did you all complete your assignments from a couple of weeks ago?

What assignment, you may ask with a lump of panic in your collective throats? Well, that would be reading the fine tome by one Luc Carl (where the hell is the umlaut on this keyboard?), former boyfriend of one Stefani Germonatta, aka Lady Gaga.

The book, you may remember, is called “The Drunk Diet: How I Lost 40 Pounds…Wasted.”  On the cover, a photo of our erstwhile hero, looking for all the world like a young Richie Sambora.

Inside, Carl details how he came to love rock-and-roll, along with cigarettes, booze and the bar life, aka: eating poorly very late at night. Not surprisingly, our long-haired author got a tiny bit chubby. Not a lot, in fact, one of the real weaknesses of the book is the fact that Luc Carl doesn’t seem like he was that fat. Certainly not if the photos in the book are any indication. And, he mentions at one point that he used to wear a size 11 girls jeans (yeah, he wears girls jeans. Weird) and now he wears a size 5 girls jeans. Personally, I think both of those sizes are pretty small, and hardly indicative of a serious chubster.

I mean, he's not svelte, but he's not that bad.

Regardless, Luc Carl decided to get healthy, and boy did he ever. The book doesn’t tell you stuff you don’t already know (don’t eat carbs late at night, heck, don’t eat carbs at all if you can avoid it; you have to work out a lot; you have to learn to love vegetables over fries; don’t be afraid to ask for help at the gym).

But he does present it in an appealing everyman sort of way. Plus a whole lot of cussing.  In fact, thanks to Luc Carl, I have a new running mantra. My running mantra used to be stuff like “just one foot in front of the other,” or “you can do it. Just a little farther than we’ll walk.” Now, my running mantra has become “F*$@k walking. Walking is lame. F*$@k that hill. Hills are stupid.”  A whole lot of cussing these days, but it seems to work. Somehow, getting all belligerent about running conditions seems to be effective, oddly enough.

What’s really impressive is Carl’s willpower. He’s a bit extreme for me (no way in hell I’m ever cutting dairy out of my diet), but I’m in awe of his mental stamina. This guy changed his mindset in a way that’s almost Jedi-like. He has a lot of self-control.

One of my favorite things is how Carl keeps his focus on being the sexiest he can be. It’s not even about losing weight, necessarily, he just frames everything as a necessary step to becoming sexy. Pretty funny to hear a guy talking like that.

I'm so embarrassed I'm wearing girl pants right now.

He also has a huge ego, no doubt about it. Everything he does, he does to the full extent and believes he does it better than just about anybody has ever done it.  Some example text along these lines:

“Of course, all that effort is really worth it when I walk into a nightclub with the boys, find a table, sit down, take off my leather jacket and watch all the girls in the room turn to me with a sparkle in their eyes.”

OK, gag.

He provides a few good tips on weight lifting and working out in general (including some good stuff on pushups and other core-building exercises). He’s pretty detailed about what he eats, and that’s also helpful. One of the most helpful tidbits is the whole “drunk” part in the drunk diet. Basically, he explains how he weaned himself off of his first love, beer, and switched over to drinking vodka and soda, which he also waters down to a 1-to-3 ratio, further cutting down on his alcohol consumption and calories.

The back of the book has a few recipes, which is a cute touch; and an index, which is pretty funny reading on its own.

And for those who are curious, he does mention an ex-girlfriend “who’s career was blossoming,” without mentioning her by name.

“I couldn’t even drink the pain away in my own home—like a normal guy—because there she was taking over the world right in front of my face. Even if I was just trying to buy beer, I’d have to listen to her sing about how great life is on the radio at the goddamn grocery store. If I went to the gym, she’d be on the TV doing a talk show or receiving an award for Most Amazing Person Ever.”

It was getting dumped by this ex-girlfriend, by the way, that jumpstarted his transformation.

“Something happened that pushed me over the edge: my girlfriend left me. She said she couldn’t sit around watching me be miserable anymore, so she packed her shit and moved out West to pursue her dreams.”

I actually thought for the most part that he treated the whole Gaga thing with a lot of class and didn’t mention her but twice in the whole book and never by name.

It’s an entertaining book and an easy read. Took me about a week of metro reading (metro reading for the uninitiated is the 20-25 minute window of reading you have available while commuting in the morning and evening. In between reading Facebook and Twitter, of course.)

I’d probably buy Luc Carl a beer if I saw him somewhere. And maybe pick up some pushup tips.

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