Stop Eating Each Other!

Fellow civilized people of the world: Can we just make a pact right now? Can we just agree not to eat each other? Please. It’s getting ridiculous. And I don’t appreciate our government having to waste time and taxpayer dollars reassuring people that there’s not a zombie apocalypse happening.

Although, I must say, the evidence FOR a zombie apocalypse is starting to stack up. (for the record: I’m not into the whole zombie trend. It’s really not a cute look.)

I was watching the news on Friday morning and there was a lovely, cheerful story about a young man in Baltimore who killed, dismembered and ate his roommate’s brains and heart.

Listen, I get it: roommates can be totally annoying. They don’t replace the toilet paper, they leave dirty dishes in the sink, they eat your yogurt. But you can’t go around killing them! And then dismembering them. And then eating them. None of that is an acceptable way to deal with a roommate.

Instead, why not ask them to move out? If you keep this up, you’ll never find another roommate and you’ll have to pay rent all on your own. Oh wait – sharing rent is not going to be a problem in prison.

So, if your intent was to cut down on your rent, congratulations. Well played, crazy dude, well played.

Then there’s the Miami Zombie. You know, the young man who ran around naked, attacked a homeless guy in broad daylight and literally CHEWED HIS FACE OFF. For like, 18 minutes. Oh, but his girlfriend assures us he was a sweet, well-mannered man who carried his Bible everywhere. And, she thinks that he must have had a voodoo curse on him.

OK, I’ve made a lot of excuses for my bad behaviors before, but voodoo curse is a new one. I’m going to have to add that one to the excuse arsenal.

Actually, the conventional wisdom is that he was high on bath salts. One of my New Year resolutions was to not snort bath salts. I knew they were dangerous. I called that.

Not to be outdone, some low-rent porn star from Canada is on the run after murdering his Asian lover with an icepick, uploading the video of the murder to the Internet, dismembering the man and then mailing a foot to Canada’s Conservative Party and a hand to the Liberal Party. Ah, so I see, it was a bipartisan killing. Members of Congress could learn a lot from this young man. Let’s give him a hand. Or a foot.

And I thought Canadians were a peaceful lot. Oh, and speaking of peaceful cultures, a Swedish man suspected his much younger wife of cheating on him, so he flew into a rage, cut off her lips, and then allegedly ate them. He’s not blaming bath salts or voodoo curses or anything. He said he did it because his honor had been compromised.

In case you’re wondering, (because I was) he ate the lips because he didn’t want them to be sewn back on. That is some seriously premeditated crap.

Check it, my little Swedish meatball – I, too, have a bad temper and am a pretty jealous person. I would definitely cut a bitch if I found out she was trying to make Lingonberry jam with my man, if you know what I mean.

But you cannot go around biting off your wife’s lips. That is a surefire way to divorce court, where she will take all your Ikea furniture (and your money) and you’ll be reduced to rooming with that dude in Baltimore. And he is NOT a good roommate.

But my absolute favorite zombie-cannibal story this past week is actually all about self-mutilation. A man in Hackensack, New Jersey barricaded himself in his house, called the police, and threatened to kill himself. When the police intervened (even pepper spraying him), the man had stabbed himself multiple times (reportedly 50 times) with a 12-inch kitchen knife and then threw pieces of his skin and intestines at the police.

Wow, dude. I guess you showed them. Seriously? Was there nothing else around that you could throw at the police? Maybe a shoe or something. Maybe the knife? What the hell?

If I even get a paper cut, I double over and start howling. I can’t even imagine disemboweling myself. And then flinging my disemboweled entrails (is that repetitive? Are all entrails by their nature disemboweled?) at armed authority figures? Yeah, not this girl.

It’s been a crazy week, that’s for sure. Wonder what next week’s trend will be? How do you top zombie cannibalism and self-mutilation??