50 Shades of Crazy

I have this weird book snobbery thing going on, which is totally at odds with my television viewing habits and my weekend consumption of every tabloid magazine I can get my hands on. I know, I know, I’m an enigma wrapped in a mystery and covered in hypocrisy.

So even though I read a lot, I refuse REFUSE to read anything that becomes popular amongst the general population. This includes all of the Harry Potter books. All of the Twilight books. Certainly the Hunger Games books. And most recently, the Fifty Shades trilogy.

The first three I can probably justify with the fact that I’m not a tween. I’ve tested very well on reading and I read above a fifth-grade level, so simple sentence structures fail to keep my interest.  I’m not some pre-pubescent enamored with magic or mythical creatures, or unconsummated lust, or lust mixed with violence. I’m an adult. I read adult books.

(Sidenote: I wasn’t always a book snob, nor even an age-appropriate book snob. In high school, I used to read those really torrid bodice-rippers, ie: historical fiction novels my mom was always buying at the used book stores. And anything by VC Andrews and Anne Rice. Ah, the 80s.)

But, I’ve seen lots of people reading Fifty Shades. In public. Which is so creepy since it’s basically porn. (By the way, I never read those bodice rippers out in public. Home reading only.)

Turns out, per usual, I’m right to eschew this book. Apparently, reading it is quite, quite dangerous.

Herein, ladies and gentlemen of the Internet, is an enlightening parable about the dangers of reading Fifty Shades of Grey.

A man whose girlfriend refused his demand that she should stop reading the cult erotic novel Fifty Shades of Grey subjected her to a spicy revenge – by squirting brown sauce all over her face.

OK, loving the “spicy revenge” detail. But my biggest question, quite obviously, is why brown sauce (which is what Brits call what is basically A1 steak sauce)? Were they fighting in a restaurant? Oh no. The boyfriend, Raymond Hodgson, 31, went to his girlfriend’s home with sauce in hand.

 “She answered the door and the argument continued. She went to close the door and he jammed his foot into the door, slapped her once in the face, and then squirted her with this bottle of sauce.”

When interviewed by the police, Hodgson said he felt Fifty Shades of Grey was a “distasteful” and “pornographic” book.

Welp, that’s one way to make the book more tasteful, I suppose

And this wasn’t some sudden little tiff. This is an argument that had started the preceding day and carried over into the day of the assault.

“They began arguing on June 25 after Miss [Emma] McCormick began reading extracts from the best-selling novel by E L James, which is now the fastest selling book of this year. Mr Hodgson thought that the book was pornographic, and that she should not read such literature. The argument continued into the following day, with the two exchanging text messages.”

But don’t worry. Our saucy lover (after being ordered to pay his girlfriend a $150 fine – it’s not like the judge threw the book at him. See what I did there? Book?) is really, really contrite.

“He said he had every intention of squirting sauce over Miss McCormick, but he now regrets having done this, realising how stupid it sounds. He didn’t realise that the sauce incident would be classed as an assault. He is sorry for his actions.”

And, all’s well that ends well.

 “He was angry that she suggested he slapped her because he hadn’t. But they are now friends and they have been in touch with each other.”

What a relief. I hate to see what other condiments might get thrown around (“Sir, please put the sriracha down.”)