Beavers, Preppers and Chelsea Handler

Oh crap. The beavers are at it again.

This picture, by the way, is from a shooting and sporting news website. Right. On.

From the Washington Post:

The beaver leapt out of the water and onto the dock and was seen acting aggressively and chasing the children, police said. An animal control officer responded to the scene, cleared the area and shot the beaver, police said.

Leapt out of the water and chased children? I’m not even sure Jessica Simpson is svelte enough to accomplish such a maneuver yet.

She claims she’s only 10 lbs away from her pre-baby weight. I claim that’s a lie. Black is slimming. It does not render the general public blind.

“Wildlife experts said people should keep their distance from animals that are acting strangely, which is often a sign they have rabies.”

Hmmmm, Petunia has been acting strangely. Perhaps she has rabies? Or, perhaps she’s tired of us trying to jam pills down her throat. Could be either, really.

“In an unrelated incident, authorities were notified of what appeared to be a rabid raccoon in the Lake Barcroft area on Sunday. Animal control officers will be handing out fliers in the neighborhood after the incident and the attack on the woman.”

Wait, that’s not really that unrelated. That seems completely related to the fact that the animal kingdom is turning on all of us.

That’s probably why Costco is now heavily advertising Doomsday Prepper gear, including several emergency food kits and Poise Hourglass Moderate Absorbency Pads (216 count). Because nothing says preparing for the end of civilization as we know it like incontinence. I guess those things could probably also be used to fight off rabid beavers. Or as bandages for your bloody stump of an arm after the attack. Will 216 Poise Pads really be enough though? Or should we buy 2?

They have more stuff here, including a greenhouse and some safes, you know, to hide your Poise Pads from the rabid beavers.

Hey, you know what’s probably related to a beaver (I’d look it up but I’m too freaked out)? A sea lion. But sea lions are a bit more discriminatory than our beaver brethren. They only go after celebrities, apparently. From the Daily Mail Online:

“It’s normally Chelsea Handler’s guests who are seeking shelter – from her barbed tongue. But the irreverent comedienne has revealed that she was the one being attacked, after a sea lion interrupted an otherwise relaxing day paddle boarding near her seaside Malibu home.”

Holy ridiculous sporting activities. Can you imagine? One minute you’re floating along in gorgeous Malibu, waving at your friend Jennifer Anniston and mumbling under your breath about her engagement ring blinding you, and the next minute, you fighting off some amorous sea lion who probably wants to offer you your own cable show. AND he took a chunk out of her leg!

I like to imagine that in this picture, Chelsea’s all, “What’s up, Jen? Why didn’t you have my back?”

So, what have we learned here today?

  • Costco is a marketing genius.
  • Animals are not to be trusted. Especially the water variety.
  • Chelsea Handler is kind of a bad ass (actually, we probably already knew that)
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