Ode to a Man on the Metro

Me: Standing in the aisle of a hurtling train

You: Comfortably ensconced in a hard plastic seat.

I had no reason to notice you in your pilling Old Navy fleece

But perhaps your Administrative-Technical-Defense-Marketing Conference 2007 lanyard weighed down with your numerous government-issued identity badges should have tipped me off…

You are a very important Metro rider.

“Metro White Guy” by Robert McClintock (click on picture for more)

We approach the Pentagon Metro stop, still moving through the Metro tunnel

Brakes have not yet been applied.

You jump up and charge me,

Informing me that you “need to get off here.”

Dear sir.

I am not trying to keep you on the Metro.

It is not my goal to keep you from your very important job,

From procuring the funds necessary to buy more cheap Old Navy fleeces.

I, like you, do not wish for you to continue occupying that hard plastic seat either.

I’d actually like to rest my weary high-heel-encased feet in said seat.

We have the same goals, you and I: to get you off the train.

We have the same wants (well, maybe not. I do not desire an Old Navy fleece),

We have the same needs. I, too, need to get to work on this Monday morning.

To think:

A week ago, I was galloping through the Spanish countryside with my lover,

Drinking delectable wines,

Eating delicious foods.

Today, I’m getting cold-blocked by a very important Metro rider.

Dear sir.

I am not trying to keep you on the Metro.


This poem was inspired by actual events.

Perhaps Mssr. Very Important Metro Rider should watch this catchy little PSA from the Australian Metro authorities. The song, by Australian band, The Cat Empire, details all the “Dumb Ways to Die,” including being careless while using the metro.

What is not listed as the “Dumb Ways to Die,” is aggravating another Metro rider fresh off her wonderful Spanish vacation. Dying because said Metro rider hit you over the head repeatedly with the business-end of one of her high heels would indeed be a dumb way to die.

Speaking of The Cat Empire, or actually, cats who think they’re running an empire; somebody needs to buy me this book of poems written by cats. Because, yeah. That’s a thing.

3 thoughts on “Ode to a Man on the Metro

    1. It is a very, very catchy song. I was definitely humming it most of the afternoon. Everyday that there is not a rider-on-rider homicide on the DC metro is a miracle in my eyes.

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