Reality TV Time: Drama on Board – Bravo’s ‘Below Deck’ and Soccer

My main sleeping buddy XFE (Petunia is merely backup) is back from his father-son golfing trip, and I’m thrilled. Finally, someone to cook for me and make me laugh. Petunia is useless in the kitchen and her jokes are pretty lame.

For example: What did the calico say to the bowl of food? Crunch.

Petunia Garbo

I mean, come on.

But at work, I’m still Head Bitch in Charge (HBIC) for another full week (ok, to be fair, I’m HBIC over myself and maybe the intern) and to quote Adrienne from Bravo’s “Below Deck” ‘Heavy is the head that wears the crown.’ Which, by the way, is a misquote. It should be “Uneasy lies the head that wears the crown,” but, since Adrienne does have a fairly big-headed sense of importance, I’m sure her head is quite heavy. Or, perhaps she was quoting the other Shakespeares of our time, Limp Bizkit.

adrienne on Below Deck

“Below Deck,” by the way, is an absolute reality TV delight – it’s got prescription drug abuse, binge drinking, co-worker hookups, and catty Mean Girl alliances. Its “Love Boat” meets “Princesses of Long Island,” and I’m loving it. (Actually, I’m giving “Princesses” too much credit. That show was total crap. Horrible. And not in a good way. Just, really, really bad.)

“Below Deck”even has an entire episode that was apparently so shocking, it was set adrift or made to walk the plank or some other sea-worthy comparison. What I’m saying is: it’s completely disappeared off the face of the earth.

Episode 3 is allegedly about the erstwhile crew of the sea vessel Honor (that’s the name of the yacht. Oh irony. How you please me.) going out and sourcing…um, “young ladies”…. to lure back to the boat to entertain the charter made up of sleezy young men. And one of the “young ladies” who stayed overnight was not a lady at all, if you catch my drift.


We cannot find this episode anywhere. Not only is it not available On Demand (while all the other episodes are), but it does not appear during any of the many multi-episode blocks that run on Bravo pretty much every day of the week. It’s also not listed on Bravo’s official episode guide. Nope, it just jumps from Episode 2 (It’s Not Easy Being Green) to Episode 4 (Luggage, Luggage Everywhere.) And, it’s not available on Amazon, despite all the other episodes being available.

The missing episode is, of course, likely available other places on the Internet, but I just find it all very, very intriguing.

Speaking of transvestites, we went to a soccer game this weekend. No, that was not a good transition at all, but I couldn’t come up with any other way to seque into a conversation about what we did this weekend. So. There you go.

Oh, actually, I did just think of something better: On “Below Deck,” one of my favorite characters is the chef, Ben. He’s funny, sarcastic, and British. Speaking of Brits, we went and saw a Chelsea play AS Roma this weekend.

Yes. Much better.

Soccer 001

I wanted to cheer on Chelsea, because (1) I had a brief stint of living in London and (2) well, Made in Chelsea, obviously.

However, we only have Roma gear since we’ve actually been to a Roma game.

Soccer 002

Plus, the Italian soccer players are just so awesomely dramatic. Whenever anyone from Chelsea even grazed or brushed up against a Roma player, the Italian would fall to the ground clutching his ankle/shin/knee, and roll around until the medical crew ran out and misted them in the face with a water bottle, at which point the injured player would jump up and limp back into their position. It’s all very “As the Soccer Ball Turns.”

You’ve got to love the acting, if not the playing.

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With all this in mind, we cheered on AS Roma. Who then, of course, lost after having the lead at the half.

Soccer 006

Like any sore losers, we declared bad officiating. XFE even loudly proclaimed at the top of his lungs that the “referee’s mother was a Chelsea whore” at one point. It was very in keeping with the Italian soccer dramatics. I’m pretty sure all the Chelsea fans at the game (we were outnumbered by about 10-1) mistook us for Italian natives after that little outburst.

Soccer 003

Or, perhaps they watch “Below Deck” and assumed we’d taken too much anxiety medication.

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