Holiday Shopping With a Bang

Despite having family and friends who are into hunting for both sport and sustenance, I am not a fan of guns. Like, at all.

I’ve seen firsthand how guns can be used as weapons of intimidation in domestic abuse situations. There’s nothing that will cool your feelings on guns like seeing a supposed “head of household” brandishing a deadly weapon when he feels he’s been disrespected by his minions who were putting away the dishes too noisily.

Or, let’s say you’re a young girl and your primary caregiver keeps lamenting she doesn’t want to live anymore and you know for a fact that she has a gun stored under her bed (for safety, of course, although who would have wanted to break into our crappy trailer and what the hell would they have stolen? That horrible collection of dreamcatchers purchased at truck stops on Mother’s Day and birthdays? I think we’d all would have been better off if those would have disappeared.)

Anyway, scenarios like that will give you a lot of sleepless and insecure nights, let me tell you.

So yeah…me and guns? No thanks.

Therefore, it is with GREAT interest that I peruse a particular catalog we receive around here at Christmas every year.

Behold: The National Rifle Association Store Catalog.

NRA Christmas Catalog

It obviously is not addressed to me. But another person in our household is a lifetime NRA member, thanks to a grandparent, I think.

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These are “tactical Christmas stockings,” by the way. They have “MOLLE webbing where you can hand additional seasonal items, such as knives.

There is major theme I noticed in the 2014 catalog: concealment. Weapon holders feel very insecure about their weapons. They want to hide them, conceal them and transport them. A lot.

They want to hide guns in their homes.

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“Personal Security at your Fingertips.” Unless, you’re Jose Canseco and you shot off your fingertips. In that case, you’re screwed.

They want to hide guns in their briefcases and iPad cases. In clocks and in fake books.

The leather portfolio second down on the right seems appropriate for job interview situations.
The leather portfolio second down on the right seems appropriate for job interview situations.

They want to hide guns on their bodies. And on their ladies’ bodies.

gun boobies.

They want to hide guns in their cars.

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And they want to take all of them, all of the guns, ALL OF THEM, to the shooting range. In disguise as a backpack of course.

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I’m actually surprised and maybe a teeny bit disappointed that they didn’t have any pet holsters available.

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(How are you going to say this item is “remarkably versatile” when it has a foam core in the shape of a gun? Remarkably versatile provided you are trying to transport a large shotgun and/or rifle. Transporting soccer balls? Not so much.)

I also noticed that the NRA isn’t just for gun lovers. Oh no, no, no. It’s for historians and interior decorators. Who want to store and hide their guns.

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And doomsday preppers. Or other people concerned about water quality.

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The NRA Store is also seeking to appeal to fashionable ladies. Particularly fashionable ladies that need to conceal their weapons. Apparently, a regular purse just won’t do. Because I absolutely hate it when I reach into  my regular purse for my gun and come out with just a tube of lipstick. Uuuuugggghhh. Am I right, ladies?

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So really, there’s something for everyone at the NRA store. Yep, one-stop Christmas shopping at its finest.

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For the gun-shooting beer lovers in your life.

I can’t wait to see their Easter catalog.

Ammo, ready to be buried and resurrected.
Ammo, ready to be buried and resurrected.
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