Is it a Dress or a Cover Up? Billboard Music Awards Edition

Hi. Remember me? I like to hang out here sometimes.

When last we spoke, I was eating my way through London. Ah, those days.

But let’s just go ahead and jump back into this whole blogging thing, shall we? Because how can we not talk about the fashions at the Billboard Music Awards.

My friend Katie and I often play a game when shopping at H&M. One of us will hold up a “garment” and ask the other, “What the hell is this? I mean, is it a slightly long shirt  or a really short dress? Is it a tunic? What do you wear on the bottom? Do you wear something on the bottom? Where do you wear this? Does it come in a jumbo? Am I too old for this?”

The answer to that last question is invariably, yes.

I thought of all these questions and more when I began to see news stories about Sunday night’s Billboard Music Awards, aka: Garments Purchased at Forever 21 and Worn as Formal Wear. And I say, “when the news stories” came out because I’m an old lady and I couldn’t stay up to watch the damn show. I need my sleep.

Let’s start with this young lady, Tove Lo. Now, I have no idea who she is, but she is channeling some Game of Thrones/Lisa Bonet-ness in her orange crochet cover up, I mean, dress. I think you can even see her white bikini! And those are definitely some beach platform wedges.

052216-bma-tove-lo

And, the official cover up counterpart.

I don’t know what Hot Miami Styles is, but they’ve got some bootylicious cover ups completely suitable for your next red carpet event.

Next up: Bollywood actress Priyanka Chopra.

2016 Billboard Music Awards - Red Carpet

Priyanka is on “Quantico,” so not really sure why she was at the Billboards. And, since it’s not the “Real Housewives of Quantico,” I’ve never seen it.

Maybe Snow Patrol wrote a song that appeared in an episode and that’s why she was invited? Or, better yet, Desi and Marnie! How great would that be? Or, perhaps Priyanka is dating a musician? Maybe she presented the award for Best World Music Album? Is that a thing? No idea.

Anyway, her dress immediately reminded me of a swimsuit cover up they used to have at Victoria’s Secret in like, a bazillion colors. Alas, they don’t have it anymore. BUT, fear not. I found something similarly beachwear worthy for your next big event from the aptly named clothing line, Venus. Because, truly, don’t you want to feel like a beach goddess at an awards ceremony?

On to one of the award ceremony’s big winners – Taylor Swift.

Actually, my bad. Apparently, she wasn’t at the 2016 event. But she was the very first picture that popped up when I Google image searched “2016 Billboard Awards best and worst dressed.” So, I’ma gonna go ahead and share the beach cover up option, which comes courtesy of those masters of elegance, Forever 21. Also, I had to take that “screen grab” with my phone, so apologies.

But they’re pretty similar, right? In hindsight and with more knowledge thanks to the Google machine, I’m sure they put that peach number in production right after last year’s awards just to capitalize on T. Swifty’s jumpsuit moment. Well played, F21.

OK, back to badly dressed people who actually were at the 2016 event: my gurl Zendaya who said, “You know what? F-it. I’m young, my hair is super on fleek and my body is freaking fantastic. I’m going to this bad boy in my bra and a slip.”

And that’s exactly what she did. That’s taking beach wear as formal wear to a whole other level. The peach number on the right is by a delightful new clothing line I discovered while researching this post known as Yandy. They have quite the selection of cover ups and assorted other tawdry wear for the major events in your life. Like this one:

FA_B323_V2013

I might be mistaken, but I don’t think it qualifies as a “beach cover up” if you’re not wearing a bathing suit underneath. Also, can you just imagine the tan lines? Yikes.

Which brings us to the Queen of Inappropriate Red Carpet Wear. The one. The only. It’s Britney, Bitch.

Again, beach cover up brought to you by Yandy. And, dare I say, the beach cover up is a hell of a lot more demure than the actual Reem Acra bodysuit that Britney chose to frame her muscular, rugby thighs.

I’m actually kinda into the Yandy version of this cover up. You know, maybe as a top with a long peach skirt or something. To wear when I hang around the convent or to bed at 9 pm on a Sunday night.

 

Friday Links: Old Pets with Norwegian Passports Flying in Restricted Airspaces Edition

Ellen and Portia spoof Kim

Norway's new passport is purty.

Friday Links: Sneaker-Wearing Spiders Like Female Bosses (and Fritos Chili Pizza)

Spiders
That’s a sneaker-wearing spider above a spider web pizza. I’m not good at the Photoshopping.
  • Now that I’m working freelance from Poe Industries Worldwide Headquarters, my style needs have changed a bit (Jeans Day EVERYDAY). Plus, I’m coming up with a packing list for Italy and I know I’ll need to take my Pumas (cobblestones — WHY???). So this slideshow I found on Pinterest on cool sneakers and the outfits that work with them is pretty helpful and timely.
  • This guy in Canada bought his girlfriend a pretty awesome round-the-world trip for Christmas. Then she broke up with him. Now he’s looking for another Elizabeth Gallagher to use the plane tickets. Hmmm, yeah. Nothing could go wrong with that.
  • If you do go on that trip, check your earbuds. British pop star Katie Melua had a spider living in her ear for a week. She suspects it got in there from a pair of old in-ear monitors she used to block out the flight noise. IRONY ALERT: Katie Melua has a song called “Spider’s Web.” You can’t make this stuff up.
  • In light of the new abomination known as Papa John’s Fritos chili pizza, I feel like a few of these fast food disasters are on the verge of a comeback. I’m looking at you Burger King pumpkin burger
  • Well, I’ve had some really good female bosses, and not-so-good female bosses. Now this new poll suggests that 39% of women prefer male bosses to female ones.
  • I’ve been dinged by Uber’s surge pricing (although, mine was on a normal, ordinary, non-rainy, non-holiday Thursday). I guess I should’ve crowdfunded it!

The Lashes May Be Mink, But the Faux Fur Drama Was Flying on Vanderpump Rules

There was some sort of really big thing going down here in Washington D.C. last night. Actually, it was a national event, full of backstabbing and upsets. It included a cast of familiar, soul-less characters who act like friends one minute, only to turn around and do something shady the next. There was even a total flip flopper at the center of all the drama who makes John Kerry look like a stubborn stalwart.

And it had me glued to my television last night.

You can’t tell because my eyelashes are mink (oh, Sheena), but I am seriously excited that Vanderpump Rules season three (or should that be SUR-son three) is back.

Jax works out on Vanderpump Rules
The episode opened with Jax working out shirtless. Of course.

Wait. You didn’t think I was talking about the elections, did you? Please.

Yes, our long national nightmare of skank-less television is now over. The SUR kids are back with their hookups, social media stalking, and short-swirly-slightly-Ed-Hardy-esque t-shirt dress uniforms.

And even more exciting is the fact that Stassi is back!

Mysteriously so. Considering that Stassi left behind SUR and all her cheating friends and exes for a new life and love in New York. Yet, here we are a mere six months later and she’s back in LA, scurrying around to get the latest dirt on her former colleagues. Allegedly, her boyfriend’s Sirius Radio show moved to California. I say allegedly because 1) we never saw this new boyfriend on the first episode; 2) it’s Sirius Radio, which is headquartered in New York, so not clear on why they would want him to be LA-based, and 3) Stassi is staying with friends in LA, NOT her new boyfriend.

What Stassi did bring to last night’s episode (besides the drama, judgment and sarcasm), was a collection of ridiculous statement necklaces. Let’s have a bit of a review.

Stassi of Vanderpump Rules loves a statement necklace.
I didn’t meant to cut off Stassi’s head while making my collage. But I did not do anything to stop it either.

I guess without the SUR uniform, she feels like she really needs to bling it up. I really feel like maybe she’s accessorizing in preparation for a future position here in Washington D.C. Stassi in 2016?

Statement necklaces in Washington DC
That would be Michelle Obama and Ann Romney rocking the statement necklaces.

Emmy’s Recap and a PSA from the CDC

I did not watch the Emmy’s Sunday night, but apparently, I missed a fashion shit show.

My friend Katie started to tell me about it at work Monday morning but then, well, work got in the way.

Finally, last night I was watching Fashion Police on E! and holy hot mess. Let’s just quickly recap:

Julie Bowen – RuPaul couture. Too much, gurl. Too. Much

Julianna Hough — Tinkerbell goes slutty. And badly fitted (boob smasher)

The 65th Primetime Emmy Awards arrivals in Los Angeles, California

Claire Danes – starving ballerina couture. Please eat a sandwich and cover your chest bones.

January Jones — Flesh-colored boringness. And badly fitted (boob smasher)

Cat Deeley — Darth Vadar couture.

Lena Dunham – Ugly wallpaper couture. And badly fitted.

Zosia Mamet — Water colored-boob-bondage sadness. Also very badly fitted.

lena_dunham_zosia_mamet_emmy_awards

Jessica Pare — Rumpled taffeta boob-bow sadness. And those shoes! Ugh.

Aubrey Plaza — Walked into a full body spider web and then put some beads on it. Also weird boob action. Why do these girls hate their breasts?

Heidi Klum – semi-glamorous space alien. Reminds me of the aliens in Mars Attacks!

Lena-Dunham-Aubrey-Plaza-Heidi-Klum

Anyway. While enjoying my Joan, Kelly and George (Guiliana is on a case-by-case basis with me), the scariest commercial came on right in the middle of the snark-festivities.

http://ispot.tv/a/7bwR

It featured a (according to the voice over) “thoughtful husband and excellent dad” playing golf with his daughter. And then out of nowhere, he starts talking about getting checked or vaccinated for hepatitis B. No explanation or anything. Just a warning from the Centers for Disease Control – Hep B is on the loose and Asian golfers with children need to watch the hell out.

Maybe that’s what afflicted all those dresses at the Emmy’s. Maybe I should go read up on the physical side effects on Hepatitis B.

Don’t Be That Girl: Fall Fail

I know you can barely see her blurry image in the top right hand of this cell phone picture I snapped yesterday evening on my way home, but trust me on this: this girl in this picture is hella excited for fall.

FALL

She’s got her green striped sweater on. She’s wrestled her way into a pair of thick, dark brown tights. And she’s brought her brown knee high boots out of their long summer retirement.

She’s been buying pumpkin beer, and has already had her first Starbucks pumpkin spice latte of the season. In fact, if I could have gotten closer to her, I’m fairly certain she would have smelled like pumpkin. Or hot apple cider, of which she’s already been drinking gallons.

Her October weekends are completely booked with every OktoberFest in the greater Virginia-DC-Maryland region. She’s lurking in bushes, trying to find even one hint of a leaf changing from green to red or even orange.

She’s got her football jerseys all laid out and pressed and has been chopping wood to feed her fireplace. She’s already stopped shaving her legs, envisioning all the flannel and tweed and corduroy work pants she’ll be wearing.

This chick is mother-foilage-flipping, pumpkin-scented-pee-in-her-tights pumped about fall.

The only problem is: I snapped this picture on September 4, at 6 p.m. and the temperature was a not-so-crisp 84 degrees.

That, by the way, was the above-ground temperature. But as you can maybe discern, she’s entering a DC metro station (which explains my quick and blurry picture – I was afraid she’d get away). Fun fact: DC metro stations (though underground) are generally at least five degrees warmer than outside. Not to mention the metro train, which has probably already stopped running its air conditioning and will be a nice, crowded and toasty 110 degrees and humid.

So enjoy your fall day, dear female lumberjack. And keep working on those arm muscles for all the leaves you’ll have to rake in the coming months. I’m going to continue to wear flip flops, and drink gin and tonics, and use deodorant a little while longer.

fall excitement

The XFE Packing Solution

(Editor’s Note: XFE is back with another guest post.)

That’s right friends I am back and not with just some hotel crashing post full of pictures, but with real, get to know XFE content.  As readers of ThePoeLog know, Poe struggles to get herself properly packed for all of the fabulous trips she takes and quite honestly the whining has to stop.  As a result, our upcoming trip will be packed using the new following approach.

Step 1: Poe will go ahead and pick her suitcases and start the process.

I am sure she will use something like this from Style BluePrint in Nashville full of great tips like “3 swimsuits, and if they are 2-pieces, make sure the bottoms coordinate with the tops so you have even more options.” Thanks for the incredibly helpful tip. You may want to also add something like “If the top of your two-piece with the detachable neck tie, you may want to bring that detachable neck tie, otherwise you will be trapped in Peru and XFE will have to MacGyver you a neck strap from one of your shoe laces from your hiking boots.” But who am I to enlighten the packing community?

This little gem of a packing list is by women for women, and although Croatia-specific it is also backpack specific, with tips like “5 pairs of underwear – Laundromats are plentiful in each town, but I just washed mine in the sink and let them air dry.” I am not sure how Poe could go wrong. Sink rinsed and air dried chonies are fine for the bunk beds at the hostels Poe used to frequent when she was a broke traveler, but not appropriate for Austrian Business class.

chonies
Who wants to brush their teeth near these things?

This list did allow me to learn about another apparently great travel invention The Diva Cup. I will let you read the article. I, however, have already been scarred enough today.

Finally, Poe will undoubtedly turn to some other general packing list, or my personal favorite, she will work to combine multiple packing lists from various sources into her own super mega packing list/approach/methodology. This behemoth will ultimately result in arriving to sunny summer in Croatia with 6 pairs of pants, 1 skirt, 3 shoes (not pairs; you can mix and match) and a handful of hair ties. It will be like last year in Austin where she brought two pairs of cowboy boots AND  bought a third pair of boots but failed to pack a sweater for 50-degree windy January days. So that is it. That will be Poe packing approach. Right until we reach step 2.

Step 2: Poe has to fit whatever pile she has gathered from above into one half of the selected suitcases.

Half suitcase

Only half.

Step 3: XFE will completely ignore what Poe has gathered and will fill the remaining half of the suitcase with bikinis, dresses, skirts, tops, and underwear.  Now, how does that sound different than step 1, you might ask? Well let me tell you: I am not over-thinking it. I am just reaching into the dark corners of the drawers where the skimpy items are tucked, and the top shelves of the closets to find all those great lost gems I have stood outside of dressing rooms watching Poe buy.

This is the Dalmatian coast; where the sun is bright, the air hot and the parties go on forever. Hotel rooms are sold with line passes to nightclubs. We will be there when the country is admitted to the EU, maybe a celebration will break out. We are staying at the #1 hotel in Dubrovnik with a balcony overlooking the city. Heels and a skirt to tour wineries and sample oysters? YES! Wedges and a dress to sit and drink through a long lunch? Yes! Heels and a cover-up to get from our room to the lounges below? YES! The smallest little G-string you own? Yes! It is vacation — YES! YES! YES!

Dubrovnik Hotel
Our hotel in Dubrovnik. Coverups: optional

This is Croatia and our summer vacation. Have I turned Poe into a Barbie? Maybe – but if it gets her packed and out the door and looking cute for the duration of vacation, it is victory. I am all for it and so should you be, my readers.  Otherwise, we are all destined to be subjected to this packing drama for all of eternity, and I am just not up for enduring that pain.

Disproportionate Excitement: Jeans Day at Work

I have a few more posts on Peru, but let’s take a little break to discuss something even more exciting and earth shaking than pisco sours and ancient ruins.

Last Friday was Jeans Day at work.

This is a very big deal. Honestly, HR could have told me they had installed a kitten playpen next to an all-you-can-eat, make-your-own sundae bar and I would have been kinda blasé about it. But Jeans Day? I was dancing around like Honey Boo Boo with a bag of Cheetos and a Red Bull.

You see, while many of you work in relative sartorial freedom, I work at a very conservative place where even a hint of chambray is considered quite risqué.

some ecard

We usually only get one shot at Jeans Day around these parts. That would be to support the Lee National Denim Day. Cough up $5 and you get to wear jeans on one Friday in October. But somehow, someone on some work committee over here realized how lucrative this proposition could be, and now we’ve done it two other times in the last six months to raise money for animals and food banks. Or maybe we were raising funds for bank animals (like piggy banks, I think). Or veterans who hire animals to work at food banks? Or something. Doesn’t matter.

While Jeans Day is all very, very exciting, it also caused me a bit of paralysis. What jeans would I wear? I feel like boyfriend jeans are definitely out. Too casual. Could I wear skinny jeans or are those too going-to-da-club? Should I wear my black skinny jeans, or is that just wasting a jean opportunity since that’s kind of similar to skinny black pants, which are allowed at work? What about my coated jeans? Or do those look too much like leather? Wait, we don’t have any rules per se about leather, right? It’s just kinda frowned upon.

action-jeans
I think Chuck Norris jeans are probably always appropriate.

Then there’s the whole issue of what to wear with the jeans. I wear jeans on the weekend, usually with t-shirts, flannel shirts and boots. Not really work appropriate, I think. Unless one is going to work at the truck stop down the road.

I also briefly flirted with the idea of going just denim crazy and wearing a denim shirt dress I have.

jean dress
It’s like this, but only more denim-y.

In the end, the crappy, still-cold weather dictated that I wear a sweater, blazer and scarf. And since my blazer was navy and my skinny jeans were a dark wash, it sorta looked like I had a suit on anyway.

Oh well. There’s always next Jeans Day. Maybe it’ll be in the summer and I can wear a denim bathing suit.

denim bathing suit

Nerves of Jello Over Here

I am very nervous about our upcoming trip to Peru, y’all.

I’m not nervous about packing. For once. Although, my new laissez faire “take what you wore yesterday and throw it in a bag (*plus clean underwear)” attitude won’t work for this trip. For one thing, I wore a bulky turtleneck, wool pants and a heavy coat yesterday. That won’t really work for a destination with temperatures in the 60s-80s.

I’m actually following this girl’s advice on packing for a safari, since our trip to Peru is sorta similar in a lot of ways. (Seriously, she has packing advice for just about every conceivable destination/time of year. Very helpful site)

safari packing

This trip is heavy on the moving around and outdoor adventure front, so no need for heels or going-out clothes.

I’m also not scared I’m going to be eaten by sharks, like I was when we were planning our trip to Australia. (Turned out that reef sharks are kinda small and wimpy and are in no way prepared to take a bite out of my flailing body. Also: we’re not diving in Peru. Sooooo…there’s that.)

No, I have lots of other things stressing me out.

Don't worry, Poe! I won't try to eat you. (Wait....do llamas bite?)
Don’t worry, Poe! I won’t try to eat you. (Wait….do llamas bite?)

For one thing, it’s our first trip to South America together and well, South America is a whole other ball of crazy coca tea (I’ll explain that reference a bit further down).

Peru in particular appears to be a bit, well, how shall I put this…..flexible in terms of criminal justice and acceptance of bribes. To be fair, it does appear that Peru is cleaning up its act a bit in terms of corruption. According to this lady in Peru who I’m sure has no reason whatsoever to make up such an assertion.

So, I’m worried that we’ll get ripped off repeatedly by cab drivers (related: cabs don’t have meters). Or worse – I really do not want to be shot in the stomach. That would suck.

I’m, of course, scared I’m going to be mugged. This apparently happens a lot. Even in nice neighborhoods in Lima.

I’m worried that we should not be driving on the roads, particularly not out into the desert. I’m worried that my pigeon Spanish won’t be good enough to keep us from being thrown into a Peruvian jail for some minor infraction like not having our side mirror at a 45 degree angle.

If Peruvian prison scares this guy, what do you think a mushball like me is going to do?
If Peruvian prison scares this guy, what do you think a mushball like me is going to do?

I’m very worried about altitude sickness when we go to Cuzco and Machu Picchu. And that to combat said altitude sickness, I’ll have to drink the local cure, which is a tea make out of cocaine leaves. That’s right. Cocaine leaves. Something I don’t need in my life: failing a random drug test at work and trying to explain THAT.

I’m worried that I’ll accidentally eat cuy—guinea pig, a local delicacy. (I’m tipping a 40oz for my guinea pig homies and childhood pets, Peanut and Walnut, right now.)

Also: This British travel website? NOT HELPING. Some snippets:

Spiritual cleansing – Shamans and other individuals offer ‘spiritual cleansing’ to tourists, especially in the Amazon area and Cusco. This service is not regulated and there have been serious illness and deaths following such ceremonies.

Sand buggies – There have been deaths and injuries involving recreational sand buggies, particularly in the sand dunes around Ica and Lake Huacachina. These buggies are unregulated and the drivers and agencies take no responsibility for the welfare of passengers.

Ugh. This is what I do now that I’m in my 40s. I stress and worry. I fret and overanalyze about all the things that could possibly go wrong.

I know—at least in my head—that none of these things are likely to happen to us. That we’re seasoned travellers. That we’ll be safe and smart. I know that we’ve arranged a car service to take us to and from the airports. We know not to get into just some random old hoopty cab and we’ll always negotiate a price first.

I know we won’t carry valuables (I’m not even bringing jewelry, or my phone, or any electronics) and we will stay vigilant in public places.

I know XFE will not let me become a drug mule, and that he’s already gotten a prescription for non-cocaine-laced altitude sickness pills for us.

I know that I will not take part in any spiritual cleansings or drive sand buggies in a reckless manner or eat furry little childhood pets.

I also know damn well that I should never look on the Internet for things to worry about because you will always, always find them.

In Peru, they can hate, they just need to not masticate! (wow. that was bad.)
In Peru, they can hate, they just need to not masticate! (wow. that was bad.)

Kwame Harris and I Agree: Soy Sauce is Dangerous

I know from personal experience that soy sauce can ruin walls. And I know from personal experience that soy sauce can lead to bickering that ruins an otherwise nice evening with your loved ones.

Apparently, I’m not the only one to have learned this lesson.

According to the San Mateo Daily Journal, a dispute over soy sauce at Su Hong restaurant in Menlo Park, Calif. last Aug. 21, has landed former NFL player Kwame Harris in court after he assaulted his ex-boyfriend.

Now, I do not know young Kwame Harris, however, I am certainly interested in hearing more about any “assault” that flares up over soy sauce.

The dispute started when Harris got upset at his friend, Dimitri Geier, for pouring soy sauce on a plate of rice.

OK, so not quite the same as tripping on a stair and sending soy sauce flying onto light yellow walls, but still eerily familiar. Also, why would pouring (not flinging) soy sauce get someone so upset? It’s not like the long-suffering boyfriend had to clean it up, or anything.

Kwame Says

According to the paper, which was citing a suit filed in San Mateo County Superior Court, the two argued for seven minutes after the soy sauce was poured, and Harris said he wasn’t going to take Geier to the airport as he had said he would.

Hold up…..seven minutes? Pshaw. I think pouring unwanted soy sauce on someone’s rice is certainly worth at least seven minutes of public arguing. I believe when I (accidentally) flung soy sauce on our dining room walls, XFE and I steamed and pouted for at least an hour. I did not, however, threaten to revoke airport drop-off privileges. That’s just wrong.

When the two went to get Geier’s belongings from Harris’ car, Harris accused Geier of stealing his underwear and tried pulling the man’s pants down.

Best. Argument. Ever. Stealing underwear? And in retaliation, pulling the man’s pants down? To what end? To ascertain whether the accused perpetrator is wearing the purloined underwear? Were you perhaps thinking of entering the underwear into evidence, young Harris?

Maybe they were Harris' special super power underwear?
Maybe they were Harris’ special super power underwear?

Geier tried unsuccessfully to get away, and Harris shook Geier and punched his arms, the paper said. Harris is 6-foot-7 and 240 pounds and Geier is 6-1, 220 pounds. The paper said Geier allegedly struck Harris three times in the face, and then Harris punched Geier several times in the face.

Oh snap. Sounds like things got pretty ugly.

Geier was taken to an emergency room, and had surgery to repair broken orbital bones and required a metal plate to fix the damage, the paper said. The Daily Journal said Geier has filed a civil suit against Harris for assault, battery, false imprisonment, negligence and both intentional and negligent infliction of emotional distress. Harris could also face up to seven years in prison if convicted, Guidotti told the paper.

Yep, things definitely spiraled out of control here.

OK, so the lesson I think we can all glean from this is: soy sauce is incredibly dangerous and as far as condiments go, is probably the most likely to provoke an argument. But, in all fairness, so is stealing someone’s underwear.

soy_sauce_attitude_boxer_shorts (1)