Reality TV Time: Below Deck Mediterranean

My travel-buddy-for-life XFE and I just got back from a soccer roadtrip through the South, which was basically 3,000 miles of varying degrees of traffic and highways broken up by stops for soccer (go Tottenham), kitschy tourist locales (I’d never been to South of the Border, but I have now), barhopping at country honkytonks (Nashville might be my new favorite place ever), ice cream from gas stations (literally, every day) and tons of Southern food (hello pimento cheese)—all in all, pretty dang awesome.

But before we start down that 3,000 mile road, can we please just talk for a minute about Below Deck: Mediterranean? Because the reunion is tonight and I. Have. Thoughts.

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First of all, killing me with those beautiful Croatian backdrops there, Bravo.

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We went to Croatia in 2013, including Split and Dubrovnik, which are both prominently featured on the show. It was amazing to see the same medieval streets again on the TV screen and it really, really made me want to go back.

Nighttime in Split, Croatia
One of our 2013 photos

In fact, there was one scene where they went to pick up some guests from their hotel right outside of Split instead of at the dock. And wouldn’t you know it, they were actually picking up the guests from the same hotel we had stayed at, Le Meridien Lav (scene of the infamous French fry décor).

So yes. Killing me. Making me want to book another trip immediately.

But, more importantly, I think this was probably my favorite season of Below Deck. And that’s because I felt like this season really shined a light on the social hypocrisy that exists when it comes to gender stereotypes.

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Love triangle, cruising style.

You already know what I’m talking about. There is, of course, the Malia-Adam-Wes love triangle. I cannot believe how much grief that poor girl got. And for what? For casually dating/getting to know two guys and figuring out which one she might like? Guys do this all the time and no one bats an eye about it. In fact, I believe Mr. Andy Cohen has a whole other show on one of the main networks where contestants date (and sometimes even kiss) three different people in the course of a week!

I was also very shocked that it wasn’t just the aggrieved, jilted Adam who was giving Malia grief. It was the other male deckhands and even the female stews. Hey ladies, how about you stop clutching your pearls over whether Malia is kissing two grown men and giving Malia a high-five for evening up the score a bit. #sistersdoingitforthemselves

Below Deck M

And Adam, maybe you should go check out this museum in Zagreb dedicated to broken relationships. You could have a good cry, donate that hat you lent to Malia, and then maybe some healing can begin.

Below Deck Mediterranean in Croatia
Same street in Split we were on.

I’m actually more bothered by the fact that they’re all co-workers. I’m a firm believer that you should not poop where you eat and dating co-workers falls into that category, which is why I’ve never dated a co-worker. (I’ve also never dated a boss and Wes was a blind idiot for making Malia his second-in-command over Bobby, who clearly has more experience).

Then there’s the whole Hannah-passenger-Jason and Bobby-passenger-Paola business. Again, do I think any of them should be smooching on passengers/clients? No, absolutely not. But the hysteria that surrounded Hannah’s transgression compared to the virtual shrugging of the shoulders when Bobby lurked (multiple times!) on his Tinder match (dude, what are you doing checking Tinder when you don’t even have the night off?) was so annoying and hypocritical.

Hannah and Jason on Below Deck
I will give you credit, Hannah: If you’re going to break the rules, a good-looking millionaire is probably a good route to take.

Even Max admitted to how hypocritical his reaction towards the exact same situation involving crew getting involved with clients was when Bobby went creeping downstairs to get a smooch from a girl who may or may not have been a paid companion of the primary.

jerry and some of his ladies
Jerry the charter primary and some of his..ahem…guests.

Anyway, it was a great season and hopefully, there will be more discussion of this sexist hypocrisy business at tonight’s reunion. After all, what’s good for the goose is good for the gander, right? Or, as the Croatians say: Velike ribe male proždiru (big fish devour the small. I’m not sure that actually applies here, but I wanted to include a Croatian proverb).

bobby below deck
Bobby learning how to use an iPad (with an assist from the more tech-savvy Bugsy).

 

Eight Reasons We Need a Real Housewives of the Olympic Village

The Olympics are on and they are totally messing with my Bravo viewing.

I’m not a fan of the Olympics and not just because of the TV viewing disruption. I just think in this day and age, when there are so many other platforms and international competitions and accompanying viewing options for all of your favorite sports (all of which occur without waiting four years in between), the Olympics have sort of lost their shine.

jill zarin skating

If I was into gymnastics and trampoline (that’s a sport!?), maybe I’d feel differently. But since I can literally find even table tennis or rugby on TV in just about every part of the world, I don’t feel the need to tune into the Olympics.

Alexis_Bellino_Sky_Zone
Trampoline: an Olympic sport. I shit you not.

Also, it seems like it’s a total shit show for the host country every single time. A financial disaster, a PR nightmare and little or no return for a lot of effort.

My opinion, however, is a minority opinion. Clearly. You can tell by the all-out, wall-to-wall coverage blitzkrieg NBC is putting on to cover every single second of the games. Since NBC is already live streaming it everywhere, including your phone and OnDemand, I really don’t understand why they have to disrupt the entirety of the Real Housewives franchise.

real housewives ping pong
Table tennis: Also an Olympic sport. Again, not kidding.

Now, I have to wait two weeks to see RHNJ’s Jackie call Teresa a crook to her face (the ONLY thing even remotely interesting happening on Real Housewives of New Jersey this season). Two weeks to see RHOC newcomer Kelly Dodd mess up another dinner party by calling someone the “c” word (my money is on Shannon being the recipient of that particular doozy). Two weeks until we finally see RHNY’s Bethenny break the Tom/Playboy-bunny cheating news to Luann. And I have to wait two whole weeks to see if Brooks ever returns Vicki’s call!

So, what I propose to the Amazing Programming Genius/National Treasure Andy Cohen is that he get stepping and create a Real Housewives of the Olympic Village. Here are just a few reasons why I think this would be a great addition to the franchise:

Home Improvment1) Housewives and Olympians love a home improvement project (see: Heather Dubrow, Chateau Sheree, Moore Manor), and the busted Rio Olympic Village certainly sounds like a major home improvement project. Not only have there been a ton of complaints about the lackluster accommodations, but several countries have apparently brought in their own repair teams to fix damages.

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2) Olympians, like the Real Housewives, are a super horny bunch (looking at you, New York crew: ie, Luann, Sonja and Ramona). Hundreds of Rio Olympic athletes are active on Tinder, likely making use of the record 450,000 condoms distributed at the Olympic athletes’ village. Some big name Olympic Tinder users include swimmer Ryan Lochte (the Sonja of the Rio games) and golfer Rickie Fowler.

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3) Real Housewives require real private chefs and the Olympic athletes are also enjoying some hand-prepared specialties in the Olympic Village. Although, it’s hard to imagine the ladies of OC or Beverly Hills eating carb-heavy and fried salgadinhos. But I know those ladies would throw down some caipirinhas (also on the Olympic Village menu).

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4) Real Housewives love an excuse to enjoy a yacht (see: “We Got the Yacht” Luann). So do some Olympians, especially the Team USA basketball crew. They decided to skip the Olympic Village and shack up on a luxury cruise ship that sounds fit for a Housewife. “The boat has beds that will accommodate 7-footers (sorry, Bogut), a spa, multiple dining areas, a bar, a cigar lounge and an open-air pool. A weeklong cruise typically costs about $13,000.”

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5) Real Housewives like a good spa day, as do many Olympians who are enjoying the services of his-and-her salons in the Olympic Village and getting free patriotic manicures. Or, you could really go the extra mile as the Team USA men’s basketball team did and go to a “spa,” aka, a brothel. I guess the spa on their luxury cruise ship wasn’t exactly providing the services they so desperately needed.

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6) Speaking of spa services, as we saw on last week’s episode of Real Housewives of Orange County, Shannon Beador is a fan of the Gwynnie-approved therapy known as cupping. Turns out, the US Swim Team is also into cupping, which apparently confused the hell out of a lot of mainstream, TV-viewing Americans the other night. Luckily, thanks to Goop and Real Housewives, I’m up to speed on all the latest kooky health trends. So be sure to be on the lookout for leeches, people.

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7) Real Housewives like, no, need, to travel with a whole lot of luggage, as do Olympians. In the case of the team from Great Britain, they traveled with 3,000 pieces of luggage (9 of which have apparently gone missing).

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8) Finally, just like Real Housewives of New Jersey, the Olympic Village has its’ own tax evader in the form of Brazilian soccer star Neymar. Although, to be fair, Neymar probably isn’t staying in the actual Olympic Village. I’m sure he’s staying on a yacht somewhere with Luann and crew.

Thanks, eHow

My man-panion-for-life and I were joking around the other day that we should get some of those temporary tattoos for the holidays — but like snarky custom ones. And, being the Vanderpump Rules fans that we are, we knew exactly what we wanted to get.

Jax's Stassi tattoo

That’s right, we’d like to show up at the parent’s house this year with Stassi’s signature on the inside of our arms. AND, Jax’s signature, preferably in thick, crayon-type lettering that befits his emotional age, on our other arm.

XFE stumbled across this super-helpful eHow page during his search for homemade custom temporary tattoos. eHow recommends that you use a Sharpie for this little project…..because it’s less likely to bleed. I guess they missed the memo on the “temporary” part. But when you are ready to remove the Sharpie tattoo, eHow recommends using  alcohol or witch hazel, and warns that these chemicals can burn sensitive skin. Damn. Nevermind.

Honestly, it feels like an eHow article that Jax would write.

I have a feeling Jax pretty much lives his life based on advice from eHow pages.

Contemplative Jax
“What would eHow say about staring into mirrors while out in the sun?”

Totally Random Search Terms – October Edition

Way back in the day, when thePoeLog was just a tiny little sentence fetus and Google played nicely with WordPress, we had a semi-regular feature called “Totally Random Search Terms that Brought Someone to thePoeLog.”

This was inspired by a feature on WordPress that rounded up terms used in search engines like Yahoo, Google and Bing, that somehow led people to your blog.

It was mostly something I highlighted on Twitter, say, for example, when someone found the blog by searching for “rats on treadmills,” I would tweet out a silly little welcome for all those Pied Pipers in training out there who had accidentally stumbled upon my blog.

But then WordPress and Google got in a fight or something. I don’t know. I’m still waiting for the Taylor Swift song to clear up the details of that particular little spat. But the point is, the Totally Random Search Terms from Google have been mostly replaced by just “Unknown Search Terms.”

EXCEPT, the terms that are used on non-Google search engines. Those are still available for mirth and amusement. While not as plentiful, they’re still pretty funny.

So, without further ado, here is a Q&A using a small sampling of Totally Random Search Terms that Brought Someone to thePoeLog in October.

Could glass covered wetsuit repels sharks? – I have, apparently, written quite a bit about sharks, thereby making me a leading authority on all things shark-fear related. And while this post here ponders the merits of some possible shark-repellant/shark-attracting wetsuits, I do not see anything about glass-covered options.

But, if I had to hazard a guess, I would say that nothing would repel a hungry shark, and in fact, a wetsuit covered in glass might actually result in the diver accidentally cutting themselves, sending spurts of blood bobbing through the water and actually attracting sharks who want to make a little snack out of you. I wouldn’t risk it. (For more aggressive underwater animal avoidance tips, check out this post.)

Shark bite swimsuit, of course.
If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em.

Why does the ravine committee tell me what I can and can’t build in my backyard? – Ah yes, the dreaded ravine committee. These low-level, volunteer bureaucrats exist to make designer Hilary Farr’s life hell on HGTV’s “Love It or List It.” I wrote about the incredibly formulaic show (and Canada’s Ravine Preservation system here).

As for why they wield such control, I suspect it’s because they are empowered by their neighbors and fellow homeowners to do so. We have a similar group of busy bodies here in the historic district we live in near Washington D.C. It’s kinda like “Mean Girls” – they exist because the rest of the school let them exist.

Busy body cat
“I notice that you’re building a gazebo awfully close to the ravine. You can’t do that without a permit.”

The (semi) good news is that these types of boards are always looking for volunteers to join them in their efforts to stop growth and progress in the name of saving a tree. Go ahead, fight the power from the inside. Join them. Go to their meetings. Be the dissident voice on every single vote. This one in Toronto is looking for volunteers and the term length is FOUR YEARS! Think of all the ways you can be annoying over the course of four years.

What goes with oysters? – Not to be confused with the other oyster-related search term, “porn models eat oysters,” although I do wonder if these two terms were in any way related. According to this post right here, Croatian pasta cake goes with oysters. But I would also argue that fresh oysters are pretty damn perfect on their own and really need no further accompaniment than a squeeze of lemon and a flute of very cold champagne.

Oyster humor.
Oyster humor.

Who is Alex from Million Dollar Listing? – This one is a bit interesting and led to a very intriguing online revelation, once I started digging into it a bit. I believe this question refers to Alex, who was actually a home buyer and client of Ryan Serhant on Bravo’s “Million Dollar Listing New York” a few seasons back. He was the “difficult” client with a pet wallaby, which I wrote about here. Supposedly, Alex was a young finance millionaire looking for a $4 million, wallaby-friendly home.

Alex from Million Dollar Listing and his wallaby

But today, while digging around on the Internet, who do I find working at Nest Seekers, aka Ryan Serhant’s real estate firm? Why, our wallaby-loving client Alexander Saks. Only now, he’s working at Nest Seekers as an agent! Isn’t that interesting/suspicious? So, what gives here, Bravo? Are you guys using other telegenic real estate agents as “clients?” Or was Ryan such a great real estate inspiration that Alex just left behind his career in finance to jump into the competitive world of New York real estate? And will we be seeing young Alex on the upcoming season of “Million Dollar Listing New York?”

Bravo disappeared off of channel 62. Where did it go? – I don’t know, but in my house, that would be a major tragedy on the scale of the still lost episode of season 1 of “Below Deck” (which was also another search term query last month: “what happened to episode 3 of below deck?”) As you can see from that example, and the one above, sometimes Bravo plays fast and loose with the facts. That could very well include what channel they are currently inhabiting in your area.

My advice to you is take a good long look at yourself and try to figure out what you personally did to piss off Andy Cohen. And then you better fix it quick, because “Real Housewives of Atlanta” just started Sunday night and it is going to be one hell of a juicy season. You better find your Bravo fast.

Bravo Andy will not tolerate it.

The Lashes May Be Mink, But the Faux Fur Drama Was Flying on Vanderpump Rules

There was some sort of really big thing going down here in Washington D.C. last night. Actually, it was a national event, full of backstabbing and upsets. It included a cast of familiar, soul-less characters who act like friends one minute, only to turn around and do something shady the next. There was even a total flip flopper at the center of all the drama who makes John Kerry look like a stubborn stalwart.

And it had me glued to my television last night.

You can’t tell because my eyelashes are mink (oh, Sheena), but I am seriously excited that Vanderpump Rules season three (or should that be SUR-son three) is back.

Jax works out on Vanderpump Rules
The episode opened with Jax working out shirtless. Of course.

Wait. You didn’t think I was talking about the elections, did you? Please.

Yes, our long national nightmare of skank-less television is now over. The SUR kids are back with their hookups, social media stalking, and short-swirly-slightly-Ed-Hardy-esque t-shirt dress uniforms.

And even more exciting is the fact that Stassi is back!

Mysteriously so. Considering that Stassi left behind SUR and all her cheating friends and exes for a new life and love in New York. Yet, here we are a mere six months later and she’s back in LA, scurrying around to get the latest dirt on her former colleagues. Allegedly, her boyfriend’s Sirius Radio show moved to California. I say allegedly because 1) we never saw this new boyfriend on the first episode; 2) it’s Sirius Radio, which is headquartered in New York, so not clear on why they would want him to be LA-based, and 3) Stassi is staying with friends in LA, NOT her new boyfriend.

What Stassi did bring to last night’s episode (besides the drama, judgment and sarcasm), was a collection of ridiculous statement necklaces. Let’s have a bit of a review.

Stassi of Vanderpump Rules loves a statement necklace.
I didn’t meant to cut off Stassi’s head while making my collage. But I did not do anything to stop it either.

I guess without the SUR uniform, she feels like she really needs to bling it up. I really feel like maybe she’s accessorizing in preparation for a future position here in Washington D.C. Stassi in 2016?

Statement necklaces in Washington DC
That would be Michelle Obama and Ann Romney rocking the statement necklaces.

Reality TV Time: Euros of Hollywood

During the last year that this blog has been dormant (almost one year to the day!), I’ve been on some fabulous trips that I have just been dying to talk/write about. I can’t tell you, gentle reader, how many times I’ve been witness to something and thought: Man, this would be great for the blog.

For example, we went to South Africa in March (with a super sketchy layover in Nigeria that I cannot wait to tell y’all about), spent a long weekend in Copenhagen (where I discovered my love for open-faced sandwiches – genius. Pure genius), revisited Costa Rica, and most recently, we went to Bali, where we worked extra hard to avoid all references to “Eat, Pray, Love” (spoiler alert: we failed).

In fact, I was working on an oh-so-clever Bali post when I saw the most amazing thing ever: Euros of Hollywood.

Meet the Euros: Bleona, where are your pants?
Meet the Euros: Bleona, where are your pants?

“Euros” (which I’ll call them for short) are on a new reality show on that most amazing of networks, Bravo. I swear, that Andy Cohen is a national treasure and no one can convince me otherwise. He should get a Nobel Prize just for his general programming greatness.

“Euros” is like that other great Bravo delicacy, “Ladies of London” but in reverse. “LoL” followed the lives of a mixed group of women comprised of Americans and Brits, so it had just a touch of that “fish-out-of-water” storyline that folks find amusing but then it also had the added fabulousness of the reserved Brits reacting to the American “fish.”

But “Euros” is all in on the fish-out-of-water storyline. And unlike the Americans on “Ladies of London,” these Euros haven’t even the slightest interest in fitting into their new pond. In fact, they seem quite determined to make America conform to their Euro-standards.

We start the show by meeting Bleona, an Albanian pop superstar with a name that sounds like an over-the-counter diuretic. Looks wise, she resembles Angelina Jolie. But then she opens her mouth and it’s more like Nene Leakes. She’s brash, loud, diva-esque, rude, opinionated, and sees slights where none exist. I, of course, love her, and want to sit and chat over a plate of sheqerpare cookies, and be her very best friend in the whole wide world. She’s gorgeous and she’s crazy and I’m pretty sure we’ll be seeing her in Playboy very, very soon.

Bleona being choked by net neck brace.
Bleona at 2012 Billboard Music Awards. Also: WHAT IS THAT AROUND HER NECK? I think she’s being attached by a tulle caterpillar.

Unfortunately, there is trouble brewing in Euroland because Bleona isn’t the only chantreuse in the cast. A little later on, we meet Fawni, a boobilicious blonde Austrian who has had a number one single in Japan, which, as we all well know, is practically a gateway to American pop chart greatness. Fawni, however, has informed us that she’s in America to be a great painter, and Bravo kindly shows us a few of her paintings. They’re…..ok, I guess. OK fine, they’re not horrible….but since I’m firmly on Team Bleona, maybe I’m a bit biased. I will say that they’re definitely much darker than you might expect from an Austrian Barbie doll. Although, there is the ubiquitous Marilyn Monroe tribute piece.

Aaaandd, I love that Fawni’s Bravo page says “Sorry, nothing here yet.” Indeed.

Fawni with one of her paintings. Also: WHERE IS HER ARM??
Fawni with one of her paintings. Also: WHERE IS HER ARM??

We also meet Sascha, a German entrepreneur/DJ/music producer who owns what appears to be a very successful clothing store in LA (where I presume all the Euros get their too-tight, deep v-neck t-shirts, button up shirts that start around the navel, elaborately embroidered skin-tight jeans, and unisex scarves). And yet, Sascha’s wife and two children are still in Germany and he only sees them every couple of months. Now, listen, I know that the United States has a somewhat difficult immigration system. Believe me, I KNOW. Eight years of writing for the nation’s largest lobbying organization in Washington D.C. gave me a lot of familiarity with the difficult politics of this issue. But I find it hard to believe that with all his money and having himself established as a business man in LA, Sascha can’t find a way to bring his family over. Maybe he could hire a lawyer or something to help get the wheels in motion? I hope we hear more about this issue during the season. If for no other reason than the fact that I always like to cram pop cultural references into the otherwise-dull policy debates when I can.

Speaking of unisex scarves, I absolutely cannot finish this post without introducing you to Massimo, a holder of several “slashes” – model/actor/choreographer from Italy. Massimo’s biggest credit so far appears to be in a movie titled “We Have a Pope,” which is a horrible title but an interesting premise: “A story centered on the relationship between the newly elected pope and his therapist.” Wonder if that’s On Demand somewhere. Somehow, I doubt it.

If, by some miracle you are able to resist watching all these other over-the-top wannabes trying to get a foothold in one of the most difficult industry towns in the world, you have to at the very least watch Massimo attempt an American accent. It’s pretty bad. But I have a feeling I’m going to be cheering for his success before the end of the season.

Not in the field of choreography, however. He’s really, really awful. He’s like a cross between a Muppet and someone who is dizzy from thrashing about in the final stages of a debilitating illness.

Massimo in the throws of acting. Is that a popped collar underneath a deep v-neck t-shirt? Get ready America.
Massimo in the throws of acting. Is that a popped collar underneath a deep v-neck t-shirt? Get ready America.

Reality TV Time: Drama on Board – Bravo’s ‘Below Deck’ and Soccer

My main sleeping buddy XFE (Petunia is merely backup) is back from his father-son golfing trip, and I’m thrilled. Finally, someone to cook for me and make me laugh. Petunia is useless in the kitchen and her jokes are pretty lame.

For example: What did the calico say to the bowl of food? Crunch.

Petunia Garbo

I mean, come on.

But at work, I’m still Head Bitch in Charge (HBIC) for another full week (ok, to be fair, I’m HBIC over myself and maybe the intern) and to quote Adrienne from Bravo’s “Below Deck” ‘Heavy is the head that wears the crown.’ Which, by the way, is a misquote. It should be “Uneasy lies the head that wears the crown,” but, since Adrienne does have a fairly big-headed sense of importance, I’m sure her head is quite heavy. Or, perhaps she was quoting the other Shakespeares of our time, Limp Bizkit.

adrienne on Below Deck

“Below Deck,” by the way, is an absolute reality TV delight – it’s got prescription drug abuse, binge drinking, co-worker hookups, and catty Mean Girl alliances. Its “Love Boat” meets “Princesses of Long Island,” and I’m loving it. (Actually, I’m giving “Princesses” too much credit. That show was total crap. Horrible. And not in a good way. Just, really, really bad.)

“Below Deck”even has an entire episode that was apparently so shocking, it was set adrift or made to walk the plank or some other sea-worthy comparison. What I’m saying is: it’s completely disappeared off the face of the earth.

Episode 3 is allegedly about the erstwhile crew of the sea vessel Honor (that’s the name of the yacht. Oh irony. How you please me.) going out and sourcing…um, “young ladies”…. to lure back to the boat to entertain the charter made up of sleezy young men. And one of the “young ladies” who stayed overnight was not a lady at all, if you catch my drift.

dude

We cannot find this episode anywhere. Not only is it not available On Demand (while all the other episodes are), but it does not appear during any of the many multi-episode blocks that run on Bravo pretty much every day of the week. It’s also not listed on Bravo’s official episode guide. Nope, it just jumps from Episode 2 (It’s Not Easy Being Green) to Episode 4 (Luggage, Luggage Everywhere.) And, it’s not available on Amazon, despite all the other episodes being available.

The missing episode is, of course, likely available other places on the Internet, but I just find it all very, very intriguing.

Speaking of transvestites, we went to a soccer game this weekend. No, that was not a good transition at all, but I couldn’t come up with any other way to seque into a conversation about what we did this weekend. So. There you go.

Oh, actually, I did just think of something better: On “Below Deck,” one of my favorite characters is the chef, Ben. He’s funny, sarcastic, and British. Speaking of Brits, we went and saw a Chelsea play AS Roma this weekend.

Yes. Much better.

Soccer 001

I wanted to cheer on Chelsea, because (1) I had a brief stint of living in London and (2) well, Made in Chelsea, obviously.

However, we only have Roma gear since we’ve actually been to a Roma game.

Soccer 002

Plus, the Italian soccer players are just so awesomely dramatic. Whenever anyone from Chelsea even grazed or brushed up against a Roma player, the Italian would fall to the ground clutching his ankle/shin/knee, and roll around until the medical crew ran out and misted them in the face with a water bottle, at which point the injured player would jump up and limp back into their position. It’s all very “As the Soccer Ball Turns.”

You’ve got to love the acting, if not the playing.

Soccer 005

With all this in mind, we cheered on AS Roma. Who then, of course, lost after having the lead at the half.

Soccer 006

Like any sore losers, we declared bad officiating. XFE even loudly proclaimed at the top of his lungs that the “referee’s mother was a Chelsea whore” at one point. It was very in keeping with the Italian soccer dramatics. I’m pretty sure all the Chelsea fans at the game (we were outnumbered by about 10-1) mistook us for Italian natives after that little outburst.

Soccer 003

Or, perhaps they watch “Below Deck” and assumed we’d taken too much anxiety medication.

Olympic Haters, You Came to the Right Place

I know this makes me un-American but I do not get the Olympics.

bored
Me neither, Liz. Me neither.

I mean, I GET them but I’m not INTO them.  Yeah, ok, there’s a bunch of young people, in the prime of their lives, pushing their bodies beyond their limits, yadda, yadda. It all makes me – the very definition of a natural athlete if ever there was one – very, well, tired. And apparently, they’re pushing their bodies in other naughty and exhausting ways as well. Bunch of dirty little monkeys.

But I don’t get this mass-patriotic-competitive-hysteria thing every four years. It’s like we’ve all been hypnotized into caring about things like medal counts and allowing grown people to wear berets and knee socks.

america outfits

Plus, it really jacks with my TV viewing schedule. This past weekend while I was ironing shirts, I turned on my go-to channel for all things ironing, Bravo, and instead of a Real Housewives marathon or something, it was TENNIS?? What the hell? I’m not about to watch tennis while ironing. Luckily my second choice in all things ironing, HGTV, was not broadcasting women’s badminton or some crap.

True story: I did not know that handball was a real sport. When I was growing up in El Paso, handball was something the cholos played and it involved a small blue ball, a wall and hitting said ball with your hand against the wall. Sort of like a low-rent, border town version of that yuppie stalwart, racquetball.

But handball isn’t like that at all. It’s more like soccer, only, the players can use their hands. Either way, I can’t really get into it.

handball

My Olympic-loving partner XFE is all into it, however. The other day, I caught him watching archery. ARCHERY. He didn’t even want to see Hunger Games, for crying out loud.

volleyball
Ah, ok. This explains it.

Also: let me get this straight – we JUST finished watching the very same people in the men’s road race participate in the Tour de France last week. And now,  what? Are we expecting a different outcome? Didn’t we already settle all this? Why can’t that poor guy who JUST won enjoy his victory for a minute without having to defend it again?

You should see XFE during the winter Olympics. He becomes obsessed with curling every four years.

We skipped the whole opening ceremonies thing. We watched the Beijing ones and were totally confused. From the little snippets I saw of the London ones (what was up with that giant baby in a bed??), it looked like a whole bad acid trip or something. Which, from my experiences living in London for six months in the 1990s, is about right.

giant baby
So freaking creepy. My worst nightmare.

Actually, turns out the Queen was a bit bored by the whole opening ceremony thing too and preferred to check her nails. I bet she was wishing she’d gone for the Union Jack shellac.

shellac
They’re still more subtle than Ryan Lochte’s American flag grill. Total DB move.

I do kinda like the whole dressage events. That’s probably much more my speed. Let the horse do all the work while I wear a fancy top hat and frilly ascot. Plus, since the royals are into their horses, there’s a good chance there will be a Princess Kate sighting.

kate and horses
“Why yes, I do enjoy equestrian events. Much less sweat than handball, for example.”

10 (or so) Questions for My Favorite Reality TV Shows

Holy jobs agenda, y’all, work has been kray-kray the last two days. I’m leaving tomorrow for Austin to attend a wedding on Saturday. I am beyond excited to be returning to God’s Country, even if it’s apparently on fire. I’ve lived through natural disasters before. This better not impact my barbecue and margarita consumption, though.

But the thing about going out of town is you have to do a lot of ass covering to get the hell out of work. And while my ass is not very substantial (ok, almost non-existent), I still have a lot of covering to do. (Speaking of booties: it looks like they have identified the infamous NoVa Butt Slasher! But still no arrest. WTF?? You have his name and car details. What the what??)

By the way, blogging may be a bit sporadic the next couple of days (no Totally Pretentious Food Truck Review), but you should totally read all my other posts in the meantime. And if you’ve already read them once, read them again. Although, I’m pretty sure there might be a Food Porn or two.

Also: seriously, reread yesterday’s booger post. My pictures were jacked by my computer, but I’ve fixed them. Honestly, you wanted to see the photographic evidence, didn’t you??

All this running around has got me feeling nostalgic for this past weekend. My personal-chef-for-life XFE and I had a delightful Labor Day weekend full of good eating (highlights included a seafood boil), celebrity magazine reading (including a riveting edition of a magazine I don’t usually buy, Star), napping (for me and Petunia at least), and catching up on a few of my favorite reality TV shows.

But as much as I love these shows and their all-inclusive access into the lives of mundane individuals with personality problems, sometimes, I’m left wanting a bit more background information. So, I’ve compiled a list of burning questions for my favorite reality show characters.

(1) Abbie Lee from Dance Moms – Can you expand (PUN INTENDED) on your former dance career? Specifically, how did you gain soooo much weight? It’s obvious from the way you hound on your students that you are quite concerned with appearances, so perhaps you can clear up this little mystery for us.

(2) Courtney from Most Eligible Dallas – Girl, I love you. I really do. You tell it like it is, which is a character flaw I can totally relate to. And, you like your wine, which I also can appreciate. But you have got to get down off that high horse sweetie! And, more annoyingly, please explain to me how Neill having a child is like a “slap in the face” to you? Get your own damn child! Although, seeing you being all awkward around Major and given your love of the wine, perhaps you should just go ahead and hold off a little bit longer on that life plan. Also: Can you please tell Drew to stop smoking that electronic cigarette? It’s bad. Really, really bad.

“Drew, I need to talk to you about a very serious fake cigarette matter.”

(3) Bonnie from Big Rich Texas – Please tell me where you got your PhD. Just because you’ve BEEN to a plastic surgeon multiple times does not make you a doctor. By that logic, I’d have a PhD in celebrity gossip. By the way, when this does become available, I think I should get an honorary degree. According to Bonnie, she has a PhD in Physiology, a Masters in Microbiology and a BS in Pre-Medicine. I challenge you, Bonnie, to even spell ‘physiology.’ No peeking.

 

"What do you mean you can't inject me with smart?"

 

(4) Dave Hester from Storage Wars – How scared were you when your brother showed up at one of the storage auctions being filmed for the show? And producers, why haven’t you further exploited that crap?!? I thought for sure we’d have a dysfunctional family drama running through the season. You guys are nothing but a bunch of teases! Also: Can you ask Darrell Sheets if he owns any shirts with sleeves?

(5) Will Hayden from Sons of Guns – When are y’all going to run out of crazy hybrid gun ideas? I can’t think of any other combinations you can possibly pursue. And do all these guns really sell? Is there a huge need for a shotgun with a taser attached? It actually looked kinda awkward to operate. And which gun are you going to use on that shop dude when he finally hooks up with your daughter, Stephanie? Because they are building that scenario up like crazy.

(6) Bert on Project Runway – Listen, I have a lot of sympathy for the fact that your husband died of AIDS and you turned to alcohol to recover. I’m proud of you for fighting your way out of addiction. But why are you so full of piss and vinegar? You seem like you’re capable of being nice, but you just choose to be crotchety and argumentative. Do you need a hug? Also: Can you please tell the producers that 90 minutes for this show is just far, far too long? Someone inevitably falls asleep while watching this and we’re on the verge of deleting it from our DVR lineup forever.

 

"I just want to be alone with my blanky and my thoughts."

 

(7) Jeff Lewis from Flipping Out (BTW: We have the season finale on the DVR so this may be out of date already) – Can you really not see that Gage is evil incarnate? He’s a scythe running through your office, mowing down anyone who preceded him. I fear for Zoila and Jett. I really do. Although, watching him take care of Casey after her back surgery was quite touching. But mark my words, more heads will roll if Gage has his way. He wants you totally reliant upon him.

 

"He will be mine and only mine!"

 

(8) Lindsay Jackson from Toddlers and Tiaras – I actually don’t watch this show, but a coworker told me about this little stop at dysfunction junction in the kitchen at work this morning. Did you really stuff your four-year-old-daughter’s shirt for a Dolly Parton skit? Seriously?? What the what?? I’m not exactly gearing up to be mother of the year or anything, but even I know that’s wrong. And super creepy.

(9) Paul Sr. on American Chopper – Do you really think you’re ever going to rebuild a relationship with your son when you keep trash talking him all the damn time? You look like an ass, and make him look better and better the more you open your trap.

(10) Cast of Real Housewives of New Jersey – It’s not a question so much as a request: just stop having parties, please. People keep getting in fights and getting hurt. When people fall on their face on a stone floor, chip a tooth and then keep on drinking wine, something’s not right. And that whole trip to the Catskills earlier this season still gives me the “Deliverance” chills. And all this back and forth on slights and disrespect is snoring. None of you are exactly Miss Manners. Please, just stop entertaining. 

Honestly, she should be shot for those pajamas.

I have to go now. Rachel Zoe is on and Real Housewives of Beverly Hills is on after that. I don’t know when I’m going to have time to eat or pack.