How to be Completely Useless

This might be one of the most frustrating images I’ve ever come across in my many years of reading blogs.

 

I saw it on Sojourning Abroad and it claims to be a color coded map with a list of local emergency numbers. Hmmm, I think to myself, wouldn’t that be a nice, permanent addition to the Poe Travel Binders.

So I clicked on it. And this is what I saw. Is it me or are those numbers teensy-teeny tiny? I mean, seriously. You’d need a microscope to read those numbers! I can just imagine the scenario now:

Poe walks absently down some foreign street, distracted by many shiny things. Would-Be Robber (WBR) lurks stealthily several steps behind, waiting patiently, yet intently. Poe reaches down to pet some mangy stray cat, leaving her purse dangling. WBR seizes the opportunity and slices the purse strings. Poe pulls out her trusty travel binder with a map of foreign emergency numbers, but alas, her map-reading microscope was in the purse that just got snatched. Poe sits on dirty foreign curb and cries while mangy cat rubs around her legs and gives her foreign fleas. 

AND SCENE.

I tried opening the image in a separate tab, but that has not helped at all.

I’ve been looking around my browser for ways to blow it up, but frankly, I’m too bone-weary tired to worry about my safety anymore. Well played, WBR, well played.

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Getting Your Hair Did for the Holidays

First, an update on yesterday’s post:

‘Mayor Pat Carson of Turkey, Texas has refused the offers to temporarily change the name of his town to “Tofurky, TX” or “Barbecue, TX,” and instead has secured a deal from Pork Barrel BBQ to change its name to “Tofurky Barrel BBQ” for one day if PETA agrees to match Pork Barrel BBQ’s $1,000 donation to three Turkey, TX charities.’

That mayor is pretty smart. He’s trying to finagle $2,000, all without changing his town’s name. Pretty wiley.

 

So it’s the holidays. Time with family and friends, social gatherings. You want to look your best. Maybe get a manicure, buy a new outfit. Of course, you want your hair to look its best. But what should you do if you don’t have the time or money to make an appointment at the salon? You cut a hole in the roof of your local beauty supply shop and steal yourself some weaves.

“Deputies from the Washtenaw County Sheriff’s Office are investigating a break-in Sunday morning at a beauty shop in Ypsilanti Township where intruders made off with an unknown amount of hair weaves.

Spokesman Derrick Jackson said deputies were dispatched at 2 a.m. Sunday to New Image Beauty Supply, 2098 Whittaker Road, and discovered the business had been broken into. Investigators determined the intruders had cut a hole in the roof to enter the store, Jackson said.”

Hold up: Are there not easier ways to break into a store than going through a roof? And how, exactly do you cut a hole in a roof without being detected? It seems like that would be something that would take a lot of time and large tools, perhaps a ladder?  

“Jackson said the owner of the store reported an unknown amount of hair weaves had been stolen from the store. The investigation into the break-in is ongoing and more items may be reported stolen after the owner does a full inventory of the store, Jackson said.

Jackson said there is no dollar amount available for the stolen hair weaves right now. He said certain kinds of weaves may be expensive and some are rare, but he wasn’t sure if any of those were among the ones stolen.”

Forgive my ignorance here, but what exactly makes a weave “rare?” Also: I love how this story focuses so intently on the fact that there is no dollar amount for the stolen weaves. We get it: different weaves are worth different amounts. Maybe you could give us a range, for crying out loud.

According to one reviewer on Yelp: this fake hair might be real expensive.

They sell weave hair and wigs, too. Lots of them! They’re also authorized retailers for higher end weave hair, so you can buy that here, too, if that’s your thing.

Again, what makes weave hair higher end?? I get that Britney’s been using some substandard stuff. But I think that’s more of an upkeep issue than a hair quality one. Man, she’s had some bad weaves.

Classy Britney, real classy.

All I know is “They’re climbing in your windows, snatching up your weaves and trying to wear ‘em. So y’all need to hide your kids, hide your wife, and hide your weaves.” Thanks, Antoine.