Sharks, Butt Slashers, Gypsies: Just A Normal Wednesday

There’s been a lot of interesting news out there lately that I feel compelled to comment on.

Let’s just get the scariest stuff out of the way. Australia is apparently still intent on trying to scare the bejesus out of me.

I quite clearly stated in my resolutions list the other day that “I will not get eaten by sharks in Australia.”

Mmmm, I like me some scared Poe. Get in my belly!

But it seems, Australian sharks are already chomping at the bit to chomp on some Poe toes. According to Fox News (and several other outlets):

Scientists have discovered the world’s first hybrid sharks in Australian waters, with multiple generations of the new creature found along the nation’s east coast.

Lemme just summarize here and help you all read between the lines: Australian sharks are actually mutating themselves into some sort of super shark capable of swimming over to the east coast of Australia where I will be innocently scuba diva-ing (What is the active verb of scuba dive? Is it just “diving?” That sounds right.)

See, before this disturbing news, hungry Australian sharks were a bit limited geographically. But not anymore.

Scientists say the discovery of interbred sharks could signal the presence of new “tropical” sharks in waters as far south as Sydney, The Australian reported.

Holy toothmarks, I’M going to be in Sydney!!

The new shark is a hybrid of the genetically distinct Australian blacktip, whose range extends north from Brisbane, and the larger common blacktip found in southeastern coastal waters.

The scientists say interbreeding between the two shark species is a sign the animals are adapting to climate change and they also warn that hybridization could make the sharks stronger.

Stronger!!?? How much stronger does a shark need to be? They’ve already got that whole “rows-of-super-sharp-teeth,” natural killing machine advantage over me. And, even though they just got started, these special Poe nibbling sharks outnumber me already.

Fifty-seven of the marine animals were found along a 1,243-mile (2,000-km) stretch between northern New South Wales and far north Queensland, with Ovenden calling the discovery “unprecedented.”

I cannot fight off 57 sharks. I’m just gonna put that out there. I’m pretty sure I can’t even fight off one shark, unless the smell of grown woman urine in the water somehow puts sharks off. Because I will pee myself, is what I’m promising here.

Also on my resolutions list? Do “not stab anyone in the bootie (or anywhere else).” I should have said I also want to avoid getting stabbed in the bootie, a resolution that will be made even easier by the fact that the Virginia Butt Slasher has fled the country.  My friend Kelly sent me this important news bulletin:

A man sought in a bizarre series of buttock slashings that targeted young women at busy Fairfax County shopping malls has fled to his native Peru, police said Wednesday.

Authorities are exploring whether Johnny D. Guillen Pimentel, 40, can be extradited to stand trial in the United States, but he has not been taken into custody, said Lucy Caldwell, a county police spokeswoman.

Caldwell said that Guillen Pimentel arrived in Peru about mid-December but that it was unclear whether he had gone there directly from the United States or how he had left this country. He is believed to be staying in Lima, the nation’s capital.

Alright then, let’s get that extradition ball a-rollin’! This man needs to be punished to the full extent of the long arm of the law. Let’s not forget the victims here: women across Northern Virginia with scars on their posteriors.

Also, the whole incident has earned Pimental a catchy new nickname:

Guillen Pimentel’s arrival in Peru generated headlines in a number of media outlets, which dubbed him a “corta nalgas,” or buttocks slasher.

Not on my resolutions list but totally should be: Crashing a gypsy wedding. Well, we might be able to make that one happen this year.

My friend Linda sent me this story a couple of weeks ago.

First the armadillos were coming to D.C., now the gypsies have hit our fine city. And they’re hanging out in the snootiest part of D.C. – Georgetown.

Suddenly, the small, cluttered clothing and accessories store became overwhelmed by a group of women, half a dozen of them, either pregnant or with little children, all speaking in a thick accent she discerned as Irish. They were so intense they scared her, especially when they began to tear through her clothing racks.

Y’all know I love me some gypsies. They’re like my Irish or Roma white trash cousins. And like me, they love to frequent our fair city’s fine boutiques. And…Betsy Johnson stores.

Mo Aliyan, a manager at Betsy Johnson, says the hits by the Irish groups started “in the past four or five months.” He says they come often, “maybe once a week, a group as large as seven, and they range in age from 9 years old to 60 years old. They are either pregnant or have children with them.” Like Johnson, he describes them as having long hair and Irish accents, and adds, “You would notice them a mile away from the way they dress.”

Yep, sure can. They dress a little, shall we say, provocatively.

Gurl, can we get some fries with that shake??

I love how terrified all these Georgetown boutique owners are of these girls.

He calls them “professional criminals,” but says that so far, “none of the ready-to-wear has gone missing,” perhaps because store staffers are usually able to catch them before that happens. “We’ve never had to call the police because we have a security guard. They know not to mess with us,” he says.

Sometimes they do shop, paying with cash or credit cards. What’s always the same is that they arrive as a posse, loud and chaotic. “The first time they came, in I was so scared because there are so many of them,” Krista Johnson recalls. “They scream at you, and the babies scream.”

I’m dying to know if they are hitting up any bridal boutiques.

Funny sidenote: When you Google “Irish travellers in DC,” the first thing that pops up is a TripAdvisor Forum thread that says “Irish Travellers need holiday itinerary hints.” Suggestions include forests, wineries (not sure that’s a good idea), Myrtle Beach, Outer Banks, Atlanta, Savannah, Charleston, basically, anywhere BUT DC.

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10 (or so) Questions for My Favorite Reality TV Shows

Holy jobs agenda, y’all, work has been kray-kray the last two days. I’m leaving tomorrow for Austin to attend a wedding on Saturday. I am beyond excited to be returning to God’s Country, even if it’s apparently on fire. I’ve lived through natural disasters before. This better not impact my barbecue and margarita consumption, though.

But the thing about going out of town is you have to do a lot of ass covering to get the hell out of work. And while my ass is not very substantial (ok, almost non-existent), I still have a lot of covering to do. (Speaking of booties: it looks like they have identified the infamous NoVa Butt Slasher! But still no arrest. WTF?? You have his name and car details. What the what??)

By the way, blogging may be a bit sporadic the next couple of days (no Totally Pretentious Food Truck Review), but you should totally read all my other posts in the meantime. And if you’ve already read them once, read them again. Although, I’m pretty sure there might be a Food Porn or two.

Also: seriously, reread yesterday’s booger post. My pictures were jacked by my computer, but I’ve fixed them. Honestly, you wanted to see the photographic evidence, didn’t you??

All this running around has got me feeling nostalgic for this past weekend. My personal-chef-for-life XFE and I had a delightful Labor Day weekend full of good eating (highlights included a seafood boil), celebrity magazine reading (including a riveting edition of a magazine I don’t usually buy, Star), napping (for me and Petunia at least), and catching up on a few of my favorite reality TV shows.

But as much as I love these shows and their all-inclusive access into the lives of mundane individuals with personality problems, sometimes, I’m left wanting a bit more background information. So, I’ve compiled a list of burning questions for my favorite reality show characters.

(1) Abbie Lee from Dance Moms – Can you expand (PUN INTENDED) on your former dance career? Specifically, how did you gain soooo much weight? It’s obvious from the way you hound on your students that you are quite concerned with appearances, so perhaps you can clear up this little mystery for us.

(2) Courtney from Most Eligible Dallas – Girl, I love you. I really do. You tell it like it is, which is a character flaw I can totally relate to. And, you like your wine, which I also can appreciate. But you have got to get down off that high horse sweetie! And, more annoyingly, please explain to me how Neill having a child is like a “slap in the face” to you? Get your own damn child! Although, seeing you being all awkward around Major and given your love of the wine, perhaps you should just go ahead and hold off a little bit longer on that life plan. Also: Can you please tell Drew to stop smoking that electronic cigarette? It’s bad. Really, really bad.

“Drew, I need to talk to you about a very serious fake cigarette matter.”

(3) Bonnie from Big Rich Texas – Please tell me where you got your PhD. Just because you’ve BEEN to a plastic surgeon multiple times does not make you a doctor. By that logic, I’d have a PhD in celebrity gossip. By the way, when this does become available, I think I should get an honorary degree. According to Bonnie, she has a PhD in Physiology, a Masters in Microbiology and a BS in Pre-Medicine. I challenge you, Bonnie, to even spell ‘physiology.’ No peeking.

 

"What do you mean you can't inject me with smart?"

 

(4) Dave Hester from Storage Wars – How scared were you when your brother showed up at one of the storage auctions being filmed for the show? And producers, why haven’t you further exploited that crap?!? I thought for sure we’d have a dysfunctional family drama running through the season. You guys are nothing but a bunch of teases! Also: Can you ask Darrell Sheets if he owns any shirts with sleeves?

(5) Will Hayden from Sons of Guns – When are y’all going to run out of crazy hybrid gun ideas? I can’t think of any other combinations you can possibly pursue. And do all these guns really sell? Is there a huge need for a shotgun with a taser attached? It actually looked kinda awkward to operate. And which gun are you going to use on that shop dude when he finally hooks up with your daughter, Stephanie? Because they are building that scenario up like crazy.

(6) Bert on Project Runway – Listen, I have a lot of sympathy for the fact that your husband died of AIDS and you turned to alcohol to recover. I’m proud of you for fighting your way out of addiction. But why are you so full of piss and vinegar? You seem like you’re capable of being nice, but you just choose to be crotchety and argumentative. Do you need a hug? Also: Can you please tell the producers that 90 minutes for this show is just far, far too long? Someone inevitably falls asleep while watching this and we’re on the verge of deleting it from our DVR lineup forever.

 

"I just want to be alone with my blanky and my thoughts."

 

(7) Jeff Lewis from Flipping Out (BTW: We have the season finale on the DVR so this may be out of date already) – Can you really not see that Gage is evil incarnate? He’s a scythe running through your office, mowing down anyone who preceded him. I fear for Zoila and Jett. I really do. Although, watching him take care of Casey after her back surgery was quite touching. But mark my words, more heads will roll if Gage has his way. He wants you totally reliant upon him.

 

"He will be mine and only mine!"

 

(8) Lindsay Jackson from Toddlers and Tiaras – I actually don’t watch this show, but a coworker told me about this little stop at dysfunction junction in the kitchen at work this morning. Did you really stuff your four-year-old-daughter’s shirt for a Dolly Parton skit? Seriously?? What the what?? I’m not exactly gearing up to be mother of the year or anything, but even I know that’s wrong. And super creepy.

(9) Paul Sr. on American Chopper – Do you really think you’re ever going to rebuild a relationship with your son when you keep trash talking him all the damn time? You look like an ass, and make him look better and better the more you open your trap.

(10) Cast of Real Housewives of New Jersey – It’s not a question so much as a request: just stop having parties, please. People keep getting in fights and getting hurt. When people fall on their face on a stone floor, chip a tooth and then keep on drinking wine, something’s not right. And that whole trip to the Catskills earlier this season still gives me the “Deliverance” chills. And all this back and forth on slights and disrespect is snoring. None of you are exactly Miss Manners. Please, just stop entertaining. 

Honestly, she should be shot for those pajamas.

I have to go now. Rachel Zoe is on and Real Housewives of Beverly Hills is on after that. I don’t know when I’m going to have time to eat or pack.

 

Some Advice for a Shoplifting Beauty Queen

Ay Lorena. Ven pa’ca, my little El Paso beauty queen. I know, I know,  former Miss El Paso 2008, but you will always be my sullied desert flower. We need to have a little talk.

Guuurrl. What are you doing? You are 21. You’ve got your whole life ahead of you. You got this whole modeling thing going. You got this little er, production (?) company. You were attending Harvard of the Southwest, UTEP. You were doing well.

Then you had to get picked up for shoplifting? Honey, I do not understand.

Listen, I’m from El Paso. I know how boring it can get. I do. And a trip to Sunland Park Mall is certainly a good time, right up there with Chico’s Tacos. But stealing a $69 shirt from Dillard’s? Tell me chica, was it this one? Kinda busy, no? Somehow I bet it was this one. It seems very dramatic, but the fabric looks a bit cheap to me. Too bad you weren’t wearing your new blouse in the mug shot. I’m pretty curious.

I also know the pressures that come with the prestigious Miss El Paso crown and all its amazing and overwhelming duties. It must have been so exciting to ride on floats in parades and flip the switch on the El Paso Christmas lights.

Regardless, back to my point—shoplifting—it’s not a good road to go down. And two outstanding traffic warrants? Adios mios!

Lemme ask, since you are a pretty girl, did you try to talk your way out of getting arrested AT ALL? Like maybe with the employees who turned you in or with the arresting officer? Turn on some waterworks, mija!

I understand you told a local reporter that details of the incident were “misconstrued, it’s twisted.” Which part is misconstrued? Was the blouse worth much more than $69? Because I gotta say, if you’re going to shoplift, you could go a lot bigger. I have certainly eyeballed a pair of Louboutins in my time and thought about “liberating” them in my purse. I’m just saying.

But don’t worry. You can turn this around. Listen, if I got out of El Paso, you can too. You just gotta focus. And stay away from tacky blouses.

Your mug shot is honestly, striking. You look great. You’ll definitely get some modeling offers just off that alone. I’m thinking Playboy pictorial featuring you as a cop. It’s irony, get it? Oh wait. What’s that? A former Playboy Playmate was arrested this week for trying to board a plane with a concealed weapon? Hmmm. Maybe you shouldn’t hang out with those girls either. They are packing heat!

The story was reported far and wide – even getting some play in Ghana! If you really play your cards right, you can parlay this into an Angelina Jolie-starred vehicle. You look a lot like her. Or, at the very least, a Lifetime movie. Even that Amanda Knox chick got her own movie on that channel, so I think you should aim high and get one too! But, the awesome title “Falsely Accused” is already taken, so bummer there. Maybe we can call your “Misconstrued and Twisted?”

Also, don’t beat yourself up too much because you’re not even the first beauty pageant winner to be arrested by El Paso police. Raelene Aguilar, Miss New Mexico USA 2008, was arrested on drunk driving charges in April 2009. And her case got dropped eight months later because of “insufficient evidence.”

So see? Don’t worry, mi cara!

In an update of an earlier crime story: Fairfax County police now confirm that there have been NINE victims of the infamous Serial Butt Stabber! When will this crime spree end? When will women’s bottoms be safe again??

Bringing Stabby Back

Ladies, protect your booties.

There’s a mad man out there, in the greater DC area on the loose.

Have you seen this man?

Yep, he looks like a freak. Look at that shirt. Freak shirt.

He’s what’s being called, the Serial Butt Slasher. And he’s roaming our stores and stabbing our ladies in the behinds, including his latest victim, an 18-year-old girl who was shopping at Forever 21 in Fairfax, VA.

 “She told police that she suddenly felt a sharp pain in her butt and thought she might have been struck by a clothes hanger before she realized she’d been cut through her denim shorts with a box cutter or razor.”

WTF??? And apparently, the stab wound was about 1.5 inches deep! So far, (since February) the guy has stabbed at least five women in the butt while they shopped at stores such as Marshall’s, Ann Taylor and H&M. Those are my stores!

I dare this dude to take a swipe at the Poe Pooper. First of all, this baby don’t got back. I don’t know what the butt stabber’s victims are shaped like, but I’m guessing he’s going for something a bit more pronounced, so to speak. With me, he’d be swiping air.

Secondly, I have no problem yelling and calling people out in public places. I do it all the time. On metros, while crossing the street, in the grocery store when a woman got mad that I moved her items up on the conveyer belt even though she was nowhere to be seen. My mom used to always say she wasn’t afraid anyone would kidnap me because once I opened my mouth, they’d send me back where I came from.

But apparently, I don’t need to worry. All his victims have been teenaged women or in their early 20s. So he probably doesn’t want my old ass anyway.

My friend Kelly (who is in her 20s and has a booty) is the one who alerted me to this story. This is a quote from her: “I’m afraid for my butt. One minute you’re on the metro or at Forever 21 and the next thing you know, you’re bleeding.” I asked her whether she intends to do anything to protect her assets: “Well, I’m thinking about putting metal plates in my pockets.”

I think she should get one of these: 

That's a good look, I think.

 

Actually, this story immediately reminded me of another perpetrator that was targeting women last year. It’s easily one of the most disgusting and disturbing stories I’ve ever read.

Last August, some dude in Gaithersburg, MD (another DC-adjacent suburb) was squirting women with a substance from a bottle. Turned out, that substance was SEMEN???!!!!

There were five reported incidences. FIVE. At area Giant stores (a grocery chain) and Michael’s craft stores. And, he would snap a photo of the act with his cellphone. WTF times a thousand!!

My favorite part was how they caught this winner:

“Detective Patrick Word examined surveillance video and saw the suspect purchase groceries using his store bonus card. In the doorway, the man can be seen squirting fluid from a bottle and taking a picture, police said.  Police identified Edwards through his bonus card and the surveillance video. Forensic tests confirmed the substance as semen.”

So ladies, watch yourselves. There’s some real sickos around these parts. And send your men to the grocery stores.