Book Clubbing: Author Takes Celebrity Diets for a Spin

Gwyneth surrounded by, but not reading, books.
Gwyneth surrounded by, but not reading, books.

I haven’t done too many book reviews on the blog, but I assure you, I do read. And not just US Weekly and Life and Style either. Why, I’ve even been known to pick up a Vanity Fair at the airport once in a while.

I kid. I actually read a lot. I used to get in a good 45 minutes of reading every morning during my approximately seven-mile commute to work on the metro. You read that right: 45 minutes to go 7.2 miles. So, yeah. Lot’s of reading time.

But for the most part, I don’t really review them on the blog. Way back when, I did review this tome of excellence by Gaga’s ex. And a recent book suggested by former running partner Amy definitely falls into the same genre/category of silly and celebrity-focused enough to be reviewed on ThePoeLog. (That is indeed a genre. You can see it on the New York Times Best Sellers List right under “Paperback Graphic Books,” which sounds scintillating but in actuality is like, comic books.)

The book — “I’ll Have What She’s Having,” is an in-depth exploration on how to map social behaviors. I’m kidding. That’s a different book. With the same title, but by a group of like, professors of anthropology.

No, no, no. The book I read is by a very attractive New York writer who is celebrity-and-diet obsessed. But in a good way.

Over the course of a year, author Rebecca Harrington tried 14 celebrity diets, ranging from Cameron Diaz to Sophia Loren (talk about two different body types).

The results are kinda meh.

First off, let me say, I am not at all a diet person. Never been on one. I’m not really much for denying myself. I know that drinking wine and eating delicious buttery bread every night is probably not a recipe for weight loss. Oh well.

And, I don’t look at celebrities and models and think I should look like them. I’ve never been susceptible to that type of societal pressure for some reason. There’s them and then there’s us. I have a pretty good idea of the effort and deprivation that goes into looking like that, and I’m just not interested. So maybe I’m not the ideal audience for a book like this.

I will say, this is an easy read. Takes about an hour and a half, start to finish, max. The chapters are very, very short. In fact, I got the feeling that I was essentially reading a series of blog posts, not an actual book. It cost me $5.99 for the Kindle edition, and I still think I probably spent too much.

The concept is pretty cute and Harrington is funny, but she’s a bit repetitive. She often mentions that working out like a celebrity is HARD. I feel like this is maybe not news?

Harrington is also far too brief. She starts a diet and then it’s just over. You have no idea from the outset how long she’s going to stick with any particular diet and she combines the days, so it’s just a blur. Like I said, short chapters. Maybe because she was weak from hunger and couldn’t type any longer.

There are a couple of takeaways —

  1. Being a celebrity sucks. And it always has, even if you were Marilyn Monroe, Jackie Kennedy, or even Karl Lagerfield (and can I just say how refreshing it was to read about at least ONE guy who admits to having to diet to stay thin?)
  2. It takes a lot of work to be Hollywood thin. You basically have to deny/starve yourself. Which sucks when you’re rich and famous and have access to all of the wonderful food of the world.
  3. My favorite diet was Sophia Loren’s because basically it was just all about portion control (but not portion control like Victoria Beckham. Poor Harrington tried her “five hands” diet, which basically means you eat a lot of protein but all of it around the size of your palm. So five handfuls of food a day. Yikes.) But yeah. A cup of pasta, not a whole pot. Makes sense to me.
  4. Gwyneth Paltrow can, apparently, cook. Even though it’s all healthy and macrobiotic or whatever, Harrington really seemed to like Paltrow’s recipes the best.
  5. Worst (at least from the sounds of it) might be a tie, in my opinion: Beyonce’s Master Cleanse or Greta Garbo’s celery loaf. Since Harrington couldn’t even get past the smell of the cooked celery loaf to taste it (and who could blame her), we’ll never know the dietary effectiveness, but it does sound vile.
  6. Don’t take book recommendations from former running partner Amy. Actually, it does make for good blog fodder.


Now that’s a diet I can get behind: pork.

What is Going on in This Picture?

Can we just talk about this picture for a moment? 



When I first saw this on Day Old News, I had the same thought as that blogger: What the hell is Casper wearing? Dude. You are with, what is arguably, one of the most beautiful women in the world. She’s 44 years old, and has squeezed out two babies – AT THE SAME TIME — and she looks freaking amazing. She is Bringing. It. Look at her fabulousness! Plus, she’s a straight up earner. Jennie’s got mad business skillz. 

And what has Casper brought to this whole scenario? Some rolled up jean shorts and a white v-neck t-shirt and some high tops. Are. You. Kidding. Me? Ugh. I just cannot. 

But then, I started looking at the real subject of the picture: the snazzy dressed, Cotton Club giant raising the roof behind our mismatched sartorial lovers. 

Who is that dude? He’s dressed to nattily to be a body guard right? But he’s like, 6 feet tall, marcelled hair, waxed mustache, and all. Did they stumble onto the set of Boardwalk Empire? Were Casper and J-Lo shopping at the outlets at Atlantic City and make a wrong turn into Ye Olde Times Speakeasy? Gurl, it’s a long way from the Bebe store to the 1920s.

Also, why was the happy giant following them down the street? Did they skip out on their gimlets? 

He looks like he’s about to engulf them with his giant wing span. I’m genuinely concerned for them. 

So many questions…..


The Treasury Department Seems Like a Pretty Decent Travel Agency

The recent story about Beyonce and Jay-Z’s trip to Cuba combines my three greatest interests: celebrities, travel and a government scandal.

And, my fourth interest, pirate re-enactors. Gar.
And, my fourth interest, pirate re-enactors. Gar.

Alright, alright, maybe it’s not a government scandal like Weiner-gate or ‘Wide Stance’ Craig. I mean, it’s not like we need to drag in the FBI to look for imaginary recording devices or anything.

As far as political scandals go, this one is pretty light. BUT, that doesn’t mean I’m not scandalized. After all, maybe I’d like to go to Cuba. I do seem to have an affinity for Caribbean countries run by anti-American dictators.

According to Huffington Post:

U.S. Treasury officials say the trip by Beyonce (bee-AHN’-say) and Jay-Z to Cuba was licensed as an educational exchange.

Wait a minute, hold up. Do we really need to phonetically spell out Beyonce’s name? Doesn’t the whole world know about Miss Bey?

These school kids definitely know what's up.
These school kids definitely know what’s up.

And what is this about an educational exchange? Are Beyonce and Jay-Z part of some study abroad program? Did they become professors in their spare time? What would they teach – Ridiculously Rich and Fabulous 101? Crazy in Love: A Look at Psychological Issues in Contemporary Relationships? (I would absolutely take either of those classes in a heartbeat)

And, shouldn’t it be the State Department or at the very least the Department of Education who declares a trip to Cuba an “educational exchange?” The only reason I can think of that the Treasury would be involved was if there was a monetary donation in gold bars used to help speed the application along. (Oh wait….I might be thinking of the Federal Reserve on that one….)

“Assistant Treasury Secretary Alastair Fitzpayne wrote in a letter Tuesday to congressional representatives that the famous hip-hop couple traveled to Cuba with a group authorized by the Office of Foreign Assets Control to promote people-to-people contact in Cuba.

AH, the Office of Foreign Assets Control. Oh. OK. That sounds totally like an office whose mission “to promote people-to-people contact.” Sure. If those people are, let’s say, bankers, then yes, that might make sense.

US Banker: Hi, yeah, um, you’ve got some assets over there in Cuba that we’d like to see if we could maybe, possible get back. You know, what with that pesky embargo and everything, we thought it might be better to send over a high-profile delegation of rap stars to talk to you about it. And maybe smuggle the assets back in the elaborate hair style of the female rap megastar.

Cuban Banker: Sounds totally inconspicuous. Be sure to say it’s for educational purposes. I’ll clear my calendar so I can show them around.

bey cuba

The story goes on to clarify:

“Beyonce and Jay-Z marked their fifth wedding anniversary in Havana last week. U.S. citizens are not allowed to travel to Cuba for mere tourism, though they can obtain licenses for academic, religious, journalistic or cultural exchange trips. The so-called people-to-people licenses were reinstated under the Obama administration.”

Jay-Z, never one to rest on his laurels while enjoying a leisurely Cuban cigar, quickly came out with a rap song about the trip, according to Politico.

In a rap released Thursday, Jay-Z said: “I turned Havana into Atlanta…Boy from the hood, I got White House clearance…Politicians never did s—- for me except lie to me, distort history… They wanna give me jail time and a fine. Fine, let me commit a real crime.”


My big question is: Who did the Cubans send over here? I mean, it’s a people-to-people educational exchange, right? An exchange usually means someone from over there got to come over here.

I hope it was a chef. I really like Cuban food.

Hopefully a Weak Chin is Not a Sign of Evil

OK, this is how FOX News reeled me in. With a story on how chin implants are on the rise.

I would totally get a chin implant. I have a very, very weak chin that is only becoming even less pronounced and soft with age.

You cannot sit there and tell me she doesn't look better with a chin.

But I didn’t even get to read that story because this story caught my attention the minute the page popped up: Brazil Cannibal Sect Makes Human-Filled Empanadas

Lesson here: stomach trumps improved appearance in Poe Land.

This story is truly horrific, if only because I too like empanadas.

Three people accused of killing at least three women in the northeastern Brazilian state of Pernambuco said they ate some of their victims’ flesh and also used it to make the empanadas they sold to their neighbors, police said Friday.

OK, ewwww. And their reasoning? Apparently a “voice” told them these women were evil. Yep, when all other excuses fail, go for that old standby “a voice in my head told me to do it.” That’s the excuse I use around the house for most things. “What’s that? Why didn’t I scoop the catbox today? Well, a voice in my head told me cat poop is evil.”

(Actually, that might be true, especially since Petunia is indeed evil and ergo, whatever exits her must be evil as well. Maybe I should squint my eyes and listen more carefully for that particular voice).

Also, I wonder which celebrity chef this internal “voice” sounded like. I’m guessing Anthony Bourdain. My second guess would be Nigella Lawson. Man, I love that woman. If she told me to do something (well, most things) in her smooth dulcet British tones, I might be tempted to comply.

And, for some reason, the idea of a “voice” makes me think of that television show The Voice. Do you think these three cannibals thought they were on some whacked out version of The Voice (capital T and V as opposed to just “a voice.”)? Were they perhaps expecting Christina Aguilera to spin around and ask them to be on her Empanada Team?

This is a girl who enjoys an empanada.

I love how police were tipped off to these activities. It truly belongs in the “no duh” file.

Investigations of the three began last month after Jorge Beltrao Negromonte da Silveira, 51, identified himself as the author of a 2009 book, “Revelations of a Schizophrenic,” in which he reveals details of the supposed sect’s activities.

So, all it took was a book confession that goes into grisly detail about three murders (including details of where they buried the remains) to launch an investigation in Brazil? Man, those Brazilian police are on the case. Just three years after the book came out no less. What was it? Did the book title raise some eyebrows, maybe?

And who exactly was the book publisher who greenlighted that concept? Random Homicide (a division of Random House)? HarperKillings (an imprint of HarperCollins?)

Actually, it wasn’t even the book that tipped these guys off.

The cannibalistic trio was tracked down after one of the women was arrested and police discovered she was in possession of one of the victim’s credit card, according to the Press Association.

One thing’s for sure: I will not be having empanadas anytime soon.

Nigella, you are such a temptress.

This Makes Us The Last Unmarried Couple in the World

What the What? Angelina Jole and Brad Pitt are engaged?

When the hell did this happen?

I admit I’ve been distracted this week. My boss is out on vacation and left me to run a global multmedia empire all by myself. And when I say “global,” I mean maaaaaaybe a couple of thousand readers. When I say “multimedia,” I mean that occasionally we embed a video into a story. And when I say “empire,” I mean me, in my cube, with a janky old computer.

But no excuse! This news is nothing short of devastating. There is nothing to celebrate here, people. And this affects me personally. Whenever people would shake their head or tsk at mine and XFE’s lack of matrimony, I could point to these two and snort, “If it’s good enough for Angelina and Brad, it’s good enough for us.”

Angelina and Brad were my living-in-sin idols. They were my co-habitating co-horts. My domestic-rules-of-society-be-damned doppelgangers.

Sure, I’m much thinner and more stunning than Angelina, and XFE is a thousand times better looking than Brad. And, ok, rather than have a brood of beautiful, multi-ethnic children, we’ve only adopted one multi-colored cat. Thus far.

I'm judging you for not being married.

But still, the similarities were far greater than the differences.

I feel so betrayed. Now who will I look to for guidance on how to avoid the yoke of matrimony? What happened to: “You don’t have to be married to be committed to a partner or your family??” (That’s a quote! From you, Angelina!! I’ve read everything ever printed on this subject!)

I guess there’s Jon Hamm and that Jennifer chick that was in “Kissing Jessica Stein.” Not exactly the most high-profile couple, but I guess they’ll have to do.

On the plus side, I suppose I’m less upset than that poor ol’ Jennifer Aniston. Justin Theroux better get on the ball or he’ll never hear the end of it.

Jumping on the Latest Hollywood Trend

We all know, as faithful readers of US Weekly, that adopting kids is pretty hot in Hollywood. Just a couple of days ago, news, ahem, I mean, “news” outlets were speculating that Khloe and Kim Kardashian were considering adoption. OK magazine says Kate Middleton thinks adoption is cool, so there you go. Case. Closed.

And then there’s the mother of all adoption, Angelina Jolie, who has not ruled out adopting more kids with her XFE-wannabe-man-lover-for-life Brad Pitt. But where to adopt from, that’s the real stumper. There’s Ethiopia. Bosnia. Germany. (Actually, I made that last one up. I have no idea what that German article is saying.)

So to help our erstwhile little do-gooders out there expand their multi-cultural families with more and more photogenic children, I thought I’d help out with a special edition of America’s Next Top Model: International Child Adoption Edition.

America’s Next Top Model: International Child Adoption Edition

TYRA:  I have four beautiful girls and boys standing before me, but I only have three pictures, in my hands; and these photos represent the three of you that will still be in the running towards becoming Bradgelina’s Next Adopted Child.

J. Alexander: Show me FIERCE.

TYRA: [to Bosnia child] Bosnia, you are beautiful, your smile is breathtaking, but you have anger that makes you push yourself too hard, to the point where you lose focus and become difficult to work with.

Miss J: The camera absolutely loves her.

TYRA: [to Ethiopia child] Ethiopia, the fact that you’re crying right now, shows me you have so many layers and you’ve got a lot to give. But that didn’t come across in your photo session with Nigel this week.

Nigel Barker: Ethiopia isn’t truly present in this shot—and the mouth, you know, it’s too tight. [purses his lips to illustrate]

Miss J: Work it, girl.

TYRA: [to Vietnam child] V, sometimes getting lost is the only way to be discovered.

J. Alexander: Does anybody know what the hell she’s talking about?

Miss J: Walk like it’s for sale and the rent is due tonight!

TYRA: [to Belize child] And Belize, my mama always said, if you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything.

J. Alexander: Again, anybody? Just a clue? Someone fill me in?

Andre Leon Talley: [describing Belize] There’s some super power pushing him. There’s a force of nature that’s propelling him.

TYRA: What I’m looking for is a star. That’s all I’m looking for. I have four beautiful ladies and gentlemen standing before me, but I have only one photo in my hand, and this photo represents the one of you that will still be in the running towards becoming Bradgelina’s Next Adopted Child. I will only call one name, and those three that I do not call must immediately return to your loft here in Los Angeles, pack your belongings, and go home.

Silence. Suspension. Tension. Serious face. Accentuated cheekbones. Downcast eyes.

TYRA: Belize, Congratulations. You are Bradgelina’s Next Adopted Child.

Vietnam: I’m pissed. I’ve put my heart and soul into this, and it wasn’t enough. And the other contestants were so mean to me and called me names. It just really sucks. And I feel really misunderstood and I’m sad.

Ethiopa: It’s cool. I’m definitely going to go back to pageants because I think that really helps you develop more as a woman, where modeling is just more of a career.

Bosnia: [glares and mutters something inaudible].

(*This is not serious and is not meant to be a story pitch for a television show idea. Although, considering some of the shows that are out there, I would not be surprised if someone picked this up. And if they do, and it makes money then I totally want my share and am ready to step up and take credit for the idea.)

((ALSO: I’m a super big fan of adoption. Really, I am. No seriously, I have many, many friends who are adopted. And we get along GREAT. I can provide references, if need be. Basically, I think it’s one of the most noble, selfless things a person can do. So don’t get mad at me for poking fun at Hollywood.))

Interrupting the Afternoon for Sacred Cow Jokes

Actual email exchange between homebound XFE (suffering through a cold and apparently watching a lot of E! television–when he’s not sending me phone pictures of Petunia lurking in various corners of the house) and me, slugging away in my cubicle at work today:

From: XFE
Sent: Friday, December 30, 2011 3:18 PM
To: Poe
Subject: Russell bRand files for divorce…

From: Poe
Sent: Friday, December 30, 2011 3:18 PM
Subject: RE: Russell bRand files for divorce…

I heard they spent Christmas apart, and he was seen stepping out without his wedding ring. Geeze, they’ve only been married about 14 months.

From: XFE
Sent: Friday, December 30, 2011 3:19 PM
To: Poe
Subject: RE: Russell bRand files for divorce…

Correct, SEP 2010

From: Poe
Sent: Friday, December 30, 2011 3:21 PM
Subject: RE: Russell bRand files for divorce…

And that had that huge fancy shindig in India. So sad. IS NOTHING SACRED ANYMORE???

From: XFE
Sent: Friday, December 30, 2011 3:22 PM
To: Poe
Subject: RE: Russell bRand files for divorce…

Just the cow


GET IT?? India? Cow? Sacred? This, ladies and gentlemen, is why I love XFE. He literally makes me laugh out loud (we’re talking hyena-snort laughing too, not just some silent snicker) Every. Single. Day. Well, that and the fact that he doesn’t want to get married either. Sympatico.

Have a great weekend! I’m going home to enjoy some more of the comedic stylings of one XFE. Better break out the Depends.


Yertle Goes Hollywood

When last we checked in on our saucy little friend, Yertle the tortoise had just moved from Chicago to Las Vegas where he was running with a fast crowd, playing craps all night, and lounging in the pool all day.

Well, the Vegas lifestyle has clearly been good to him. Yertle is now an Internet phenomenon. A celebrity if you will.

And like all celebrities, he’s decided to endorse a product. Specifically, sandboxes. You can see him here at

Somebody better put some salad on this plate or it’s about to get crazy all up in here!

I hope he got PAID. I mean, Beyonce gets $20 million lending her likeness to marketing campaigns by Armani, Nintendo, and L’Oréal, among others. And she doesn’t even have a big hump. Oh, well, yeah, I guess she does now, but that’s not going to last forever.

Yertle 2
Ah, that’s better. I did not want to throw my weight around like that, but somebody was hungry. Now go get me a diet coke.

It hasn’t been all kale and flashing bulbs for Yertle, though. He did have a tiny bit of a mishap this summer, falling into the pool. I personally blame too much hibiscus flowers in his diet. Makes a tortoise a bit loopy, if you know what I mean.

And so we learn that tortoises do not make good swimmers, apparently. Luckily he was rescued, and thus was born the need for a sandbox containment mechanism. Now, Yertle is safely sunning himself outside, without taking anymore dips.

Yertle’s also off on an adventure this weekend, and is road tripping it to San Diego for a little R&R at XFE’s sister’s house. I guess the rigors of being a celebrity spokesman have been quite stressful on the little man.

It will probably be his last vacation before hibernating for the winter. I wonder what kind of music a tortoise takes on a road trip? Maybe “Happy Together” by the Turtles? But seriously, how many times can he listen to that one song?

Holy weirdness, the Googles tells me there’s a song called “Road Trip” by a band called Turtle Tank!! What the what!? That is too crazy a coincidence!

Yertle 3
I was hoping for a little ‘Party in the USA’ or maybe some Brittney.

Be sure to check in on the blog the next couple of days. Lots of good stuff coming up, including a very big poolside-bikini-photo shoot from a couple of weeks ago. I think you’ll be amazed. I mean, I’m no Yertle or anything. I don’t think anyone’s going to be approaching me to model a sandbox or anything in the near future, but, you never know. These are pretty special pictures.

With Apologies to US Weekly: Stars are NOT Just Like Me

Why are they not like me? Because I do not have a hero complex.

But apparently, celebrities do. There has been a rash of Hollywood heroes lately, and I’m not talking on screen.

Yesterday, Brad Pitt rescued some extra from being trampled on the Scotland set of his zombie apocalypse film. They were filming a scene in which 700 extras tear through some square in Glasgow, and a woman fell down, putting herself in danger of being run over by her fellow extras.

"I save women and then I eat their brains."

I’m going to tackle this story from two perspectives: One, if I was Brad Pitt, I would have just left her on the ground. Seriously, those extras get PAID. They can make up to like, $50-$75 a day. And, it IS a zombie film…what did you think would happen?

I cannot believe Brad Pitt put himself in danger’s way like that. If you want my advice, better not to risk your pretty mug, Brad. You’ve got like, a whole village of children to support. Poor guy is even thinking about selling his house, for crying out loud.

Second perspective: If I was that extra, I’d suck it up. A “badly grazed knee” really isn’t that big of a deal. Believe me. I know of that I speak. Hell, in the last week alone I’ve lived through an earthquake, a hurricane, a nasty, phone-damaging fall (no Brad Pitt to my rescue, thank you very much), and homelessness. You need to toughen up, buttercup.

Moving on. Kate Winslet saved Sir Richard Branson’s 90-year-old mother from being cooked to a crisp after a fire broke out at Branson’s paradise home in the Caribbean last week.

Mkay, first, Kate, that house was struck by LIGHTNING. Obviously, some higher being or whatever isn’t too pleased with Showy-McBraggerson Sir Richard Branson. And he’s the one who wanted some deserted-island retreat with no firemen or firehouses nearby. Let Naked-Sleeping-Cactus-Hugger Richard Branson rescue his own damn family!

"I swing through the air with a harness just like a super hero."

Also, you had your own two children to worry about, on top of yourself. You are a highly paid actress. Why would you put yourself in the midst of some burning inferno whilst on–ostensibly–a relaxing, family vacation.

And, your family is a tiny bit accident prone. According to this interview, your dad lost his entire foot during a boating accident when you were 11-years-old. His entire foot. How are you going to wear Manolo’s when you don’t have a foot? Did you even think about how selfish that would be to designer shoe makers?

Much better to not get involved. Speaking of “getting involved….”

Everyone’s favorite dude from the Notebook (which I’m proud to say I’ve never seen) broke up a fight on the streets of New York last week. Of course, there was a camera nearby to record the whole thing.

"Even in my hipster striped tank, I can bring the peace."

According to E! News:

“The Crazy, Stupid, Love actor physically restrains one of the guys after dropping his grocery bag and eventually helps diffuse the situation and escort him away.”

Listen, Ryan Gosling: First, I hope there were no eggs in that grocery bag. Second, I know you’re new to New York, but everyone knows that it’s a very dangerous place. You really don’t want to be a Mr. Buttinski in New York fights. I know, I know, it was a fight over a piece of art, which is kinda funny and doesn’t seem too serious. Nevertheless, artists can sometimes be a tad bit kray-kray. Something about all the fumes in the paint. I don’t know. The point is, don’t mess with fighting people if you can help it.  

According to an eyewitness, you went a step further and gave one of the guys $20 to settle up the dispute.

“The gentleman was like ‘He stole my painting’. So he [Gosling] gave the guy a $20 and asked if it was settled. He took the money out of his pocket and said ‘If that’s what you’re fighting for, here you go’.”

Oh, Gosling. Badly played indeed. Don’t you see? Now you are a total target! People are going to start breaking out into fisticuffs whenever you’re around in the hopes of getting some of your Notebook stash! Ever heard of a slippery slope, my friend? Cuz you are heading directly towards one. Better start carrying a wad of $20s. 

I’m really not comfortable with this whole “hero” trend. If our celebrities keep putting themselves at risk like this, we might have less of them to entertain us. And I do not approve.

I’m mostly kidding. Mostly. The truth is: I’m quite a big Butt-In-Ski myself. It’s actually one of my 99 vices. I always put my nose where it don’t belong. I’ve been known to yell at people on the metro who were rude to other riders. I also inserted myself into a potential rape-in-progress in a club in Tokyo one time. But our celebrities are special. They shouldn’t be engaging in heroics. The price is just too great.

But they shouldn’t act like Matthew Fox either. I don’t care how drunk you are, “Party of Five” dude (another show I never saw), you should not hit a female party bus driver. You weren’t invited to the party. Get over yourself.

Separate but related: celebrities should also not be spitting water on people. I’m looking at you, Cherub-in-Training Shia LaBeouf. I don’t know what your beef is with Marilyn Manson, but according to MTV, you guys are collaborating on some video or book or something, and that is definitely not the way to treat your friends.

Also: Shave that stupid beard.

"Hey, hey, don't get too close. I might spit water on you like a fountain."