Wisdom Teeth Removal: Pretty Much Unicorns and Rainbows

I learned something new about myself over the last 24 hours: I must be a complete badass.

I got my wisdom teeth pulled yesterday. Two of them, the top ones. And seriously? It was no big deal. The procedure and the recovery have been a piece of cake, which is not at all what I suspected. Normally, I’m a bit of a hypochondriac who’s known to have a flair for the dramatics. So panicking over a purely elective procedure (they weren’t impacted or infected) would typically be right up my alley.

And my super helpful friends all tried to help: I had heard all sorts of horror stories – tales of excruciating pain and anesthesia that wore off mid-procedure; tales of hemorrhaging and nonstop bleeding; tales of nausea, severed nerves, etc. etc. It really sounded like the possibilities for disaster were truly endless and most assured.

What a load of horse manure.


I had an appointment with this lovely doctor at 10:30. I was out by 11. Just a couple of shots to the gums (really the worst part), a bit of pressure, a very disconcerting noise (OK, that actually was the worst part) and a mouthful of gauze later, I was in a cab on my way home. Yes, I said cab. My male-nurse-for-life XFE had a golf tournament. It had been postponed due to rain a few weeks ago. He offered to skip it, but I didn’t think it would be necessary. I was right.

I came home, ditched the gauze about 45 minutes later and waited for the promised painful recovery, a bottle of painkillers within easy reach. Nothing. To be fair, the doctor had said I could just take ibuprofen, but I thought he was being far too flippant. As the afternoon wore on, I realized he might be right. I had no pain.

And here I am, more than 24 hours later, singularly unimpressed. No bleeding, no pain, no nothing. I’m not sure why my wisdom teeth extraction experience has been so vastly different from everyone else’s, but I think it’s probably because I’m a straight up thug. Or, maybe Dr. Gitelman is worth all the positive Yelp reviews, and just really good at his job.

Nah, it’s because I’m the shit.  

Where's my money, tooth fairy lady? Don't make me go gansta on you!

Talking to the Bobs: Am I Wearing Enough Flare for this Review?

Today was my yearly review at work.

It was fine. It actually was very good. Probably my best review to date. So when I type the next sentence, please don’t think I’m all living in the land of bitter grapes over here.

But can we please just talk for a minute about how much I hate reviews and the whole review process?

“Shall we talk about my TPS cover sheets?”

First off, I am an impossible person to review. I get so, so awkward. I refuse to make eye contact with people I normally feel quite comfortable around. I can feel myself looking down, looking sideways, looking above people’s heads.

Second, if you praise me too much, I get really embarrassed. If you praise me too little, I get huffy. And, generally, I’m completely convinced that there’s no way to encapsulate or adequately award my inherent greatness. It’s really an impossible situation for the person on the other side of the desk, and I admit it. Really, you should just slap me on the shoulder and say, “good job,” and end it there, but that’s not the way a review goes, now is it?

Then there’s the issue of what do I say about the not-so-great comments? Am I supposed to defend myself? Are these defendable traits? Should I promise to change? Or should I just shrug and say, “Yep! That sounds like me alrighty!”

Before my current job, I never really had to deal with a review process. I mostly worked for small companies with incredibly unprofessional environments. Places where everybody was always in each other’s business. Places where people routinely called you on your bullshit to your face–no need to wait for a review process. And any slacking on the job would have been blatantly obvious in a tiny room with no privacy and four other people. I’ve even worked in places where people yelled at you. Sooooo, you kinda knew where you stood without all this talk of achievements and goals. There was no talk about career paths. It was pure survival.

Thank the HR heavens that I only have to go through this once a year. For now, it’s over and I’m safe from embarrassment for another year.

But I’m already working on my review for next year. I thought I would help my bosses out by pointing out all the ways I’m an awesome employee:

1)      I’m in a stable relationship so I’m not out on the town every night trying to hook up with the next loser and coming in to work hung over four days a week.

2)      I don’t want to get married, so I won’t be wasting any time at work planning my upcoming nuptials, honeymoon, bachelorette party.

3)      I’m not having kids, so I will be taking no time away from work for birthing, rearing, pediatrician appointments, etc.

4)      I’m not close to my family, so no emergency trips home to help them through whatever familial-type issues that might come up.

5)      I don’t have any high-maintenance pets.

That’s all I have so far, but I’ve got another year to think about some more stuff. I’m not sure HR would approve of these non-performance based attributes BUT THEY SHOULD.

Also: it was really awesome that I had this big chunk of black stuff caught on the side of my tooth the whole time I was discussing my review at lunch today with my bosses. Yes, I’m totally professional.

Cilantro tooth
“Yes, I do think I’m ready to take on more duties and responsibilities such as flossing.”