The More You Know, the More You Go

I lerve a good infographic. I really do. So much information delivered in an entertaining and colorful way. Last Friday, I was looking for an infographic for work, as I often do, and I came across this fascinating little gem. While not really appropriate for work, it seems like this is the type of Trivial Pursuit knowledge that might come in handy, at say, a coffee shop where they are serving civet coffee.

Who knew that poop was so interesting. And useful! And came in an assortment of colors! Although, if my poop comes out blue, I’m going to be very, very upset.

I also now know to be wary when driving over what might appear to be camel poop. Very handy, that tidbit.

And, to watch out for feces flinging caterpillars. Not sure where those guys live, but I’m on high alert.

Seriously, where do these infographics guys come up with this stuff!

The Facts About Poop

Don’t Be That Person – Morning Coffee Edition

It’s early morning. You stumble off the metro, navigate two busy crosswalks, a slew of metal sidewalk grates (heels, people), and finally find yourself safely ensconced inside your favorite deli to pick up your morning joe.

And then you are held up from that sweet morning nectar by “That” Person. The one who jumps in front of you and takes up the entire coffee station. Because his/her coffee is more important than the rules and order of society.

This person will not only jump in front of you, they will then slow their roll to a crawl. Suddenly, they’re not in a hurry anymore. Where once they were a bulldozer of trailing trench coats, briefcases, gym bag, lunch box, now that they are master of the coffee station, they are leisurely.

Hmmm, so many choices are available to That Person. Does our erstwhile friend want European Roast this morning or Medium Roast? You are tempted to tap them on the shoulder and suggest decaf.

What about the sweetener options? Sugar? Equal? Splenda? And then there’s creamer – will That Person choose half-and-half? Whole milk? Judging by That Person’s expanding waistline, you’d think it would be the skim milk, but no, That Person will dump half of the half-and-half AND half of the skim milk into their steaming coffee.

You continue to wait, checking your watch.

Tentatively, now that That Person seems to have moved down to the coffee and sweetener section of the counter, you reach for a cup, but lo! That Person has not yet relinquished control of the coffee station!

Now That Person is confronted by a whole new conundrum – coffee accessories. The sweetener and creamer must be stirred and that requires one of those teeny tiny thin red straws or wooden stick thingies. But those are back near the cups! This requires some sideways shuffling. The cup is now too hot to handle. But the heat sleeves are back near the cups! More shuffling. Oh, and a lid! A lid will be needed! Again, back near the cups. With every tentative step you take towards the coffee station, That Person will side step into you.

Best to just hang back. Wait. Your boss will totally understand why you are late.

The That Person tornado has finally moved away from the station, which is now covered in coffee, creamer and sweetener. It appears that That Person ripped the sweetener packets from the middle, sending grains flying. Oh, and there’s That Person’s coffee stirrer, just resting in a pool of coffee detritus, inches away from the trash opening.

And what’s this? The thermoses that used to contain half-and-half and skim milk are empty? But you won’t find this out until you have tipped the thermoses completely over, sending their half-screwed lids into your coffee cup.

Not surprisingly, considering That Person’s slow pace, That Person is still trying to pay for their coffee when you reach the register. There will be much digging around, attempting to locate exact change in various bags and purses, which is fine, we all like exact change. Unless there are other people behind you. Then, exact change is an enemy and threat to society.

That Person will also want to talk to the cashier – about the price of the coffee, what the price used to be, the geopolitical factors that are driving up the cost of coffee beans worldwide, whatever happened to that other cashier person, remember when this used to be a XYZ. And, so on.

After paying, That Person will stay at the register. They will not be rushed. At this point, all their bags are now on the counter in front of the register. They need to put all the things they took out of their bags while looking for exact change back into their proper places. This will include business cards and other random pieces of paper, which they will then be compelled to look at and ascertain whether in fact they need that credit card receipt from the magazine stand three weeks ago. Discussion about said purchase will naturally follow.

That Person is completely unaware of your need to pay for your coffee and get on with the damn day.

Finally, That Person will have put everything back in their bags and moved out of the way, but only a bit. They need to locate their work badge or their keys before leaving the deli. And what about their receipt for the coffee? Did they get their receipt? After all, they’ll need that receipt in about three weeks as a conversation starter at another deli register.

I really should go back to making my coffee at home. At least then I could be That Person sloshing coffee all over everyone on the metro.

People of America: Don’t be That Person.

Folks Do Say They Have the Best Coffee Around

This story originally published by the Morristown Daily Record and republished in USAToday caught my eye.

See if you can guess why by the headline: N.J. Dunkin Donuts worker caught in ‘extra sugar’ sex sting

First of all, kudos to the Garden State law enforcement on your awesome sting title. Hilarious. Really, you had me at Extra Sugar. I am dying to know what the other options were? “Apple fritter?” “Bear Claw?” “Coffee Coolatta?”

Second, can you just imagine the fighting among the cops at the precinct over who was going be part of this sting operation? Donuts and a prostitute? Not a bad day at the office.

“A 29-year-old woman working the night shift at Dunkin Donuts faces prostitution charges for allegedly taking breaks from selling donuts and coffee to provide sexual services in exchange for money.”

We don’t know if she took breaks? Or we don’t know why she took breaks? Because the rest of the story makes it pretty clear on the whole why conundrum.

“Melissa Redmond, 29, of Mine Hill, was arrested after a six week investigation known as ‘extra sugar’ that began when police got a tip that people could go to the Dunkin Donuts on Route 46 and arrange a liason with Redmond.”

Six weeks? Did it really need to take that long? Are our diligent police in New Jersey just trying to make extra, special sure that she was hooking? I mean come on! Let’s get those Scooby kids on the case and wrap this up already!

Scooby Doo and the NJ police busting donut slinging prostitutes.

“’I had gotten an anonymous tip,’ Detective Sgt. Kyle Schwarzmann, who led the investigation. ‘She was a night time employee (working 9 p.m. to 5 a.m.), supposedly a very good one.’”

Well, well, well. Supposedly a very good one. Hmmmm. I’d say.

 “Schwarzmann began gathering information and doing surveillance at the scene. He noticed on multiple evenings that she would go out to cars to see customers and would spend 10 or 15 minutes there, he said.”

See point D above. “Multiple evenings?” Seriously?

Sometimes I’d even see money changing hands,” Schwarzmann said, adding that sometimes the cars would stay in the parking lot and other times they would drive to another nearby location.” 

OK, I think when you see money changing hands, you might have a case there, Deputy Barney Fife. I’m not sure you needed to continue to let this illegal activity go on for SIX MORE WEEKS. 

Let's wait and see how this whole exchanging money in a car thing works out. Wouldn't want to be too hasty.

The rest of the story goes on to discuss how the arrest went down, including the point that when the undercover officer posing as a “john” returned on another occasion (a second time? WTF??), she offered new and lower prices!

Poor girl. She probably was just concerned about the whole debt ceiling debate in Congress and was trying to squirrel away some money before interest rates shot up and the United States went all Thelma and Louise over an economic precipice.

Or, she just needed to pay rent.

(*disclaimer: This is no way meant to condone prostitution or extra sugar. Or donuts. Those things will seriously kill you. Just say no to all of the above.)

Whew, so glad we avoided that whole economic collapse thing!