Folks Do Say They Have the Best Coffee Around

This story originally published by the Morristown Daily Record and republished in USAToday caught my eye.

See if you can guess why by the headline: N.J. Dunkin Donuts worker caught in ‘extra sugar’ sex sting

First of all, kudos to the Garden State law enforcement on your awesome sting title. Hilarious. Really, you had me at Extra Sugar. I am dying to know what the other options were? “Apple fritter?” “Bear Claw?” “Coffee Coolatta?”

Second, can you just imagine the fighting among the cops at the precinct over who was going be part of this sting operation? Donuts and a prostitute? Not a bad day at the office.

“A 29-year-old woman working the night shift at Dunkin Donuts faces prostitution charges for allegedly taking breaks from selling donuts and coffee to provide sexual services in exchange for money.”

We don’t know if she took breaks? Or we don’t know why she took breaks? Because the rest of the story makes it pretty clear on the whole why conundrum.

“Melissa Redmond, 29, of Mine Hill, was arrested after a six week investigation known as ‘extra sugar’ that began when police got a tip that people could go to the Dunkin Donuts on Route 46 and arrange a liason with Redmond.”

Six weeks? Did it really need to take that long? Are our diligent police in New Jersey just trying to make extra, special sure that she was hooking? I mean come on! Let’s get those Scooby kids on the case and wrap this up already!

Scooby Doo and the NJ police busting donut slinging prostitutes.

“’I had gotten an anonymous tip,’ Detective Sgt. Kyle Schwarzmann, who led the investigation. ‘She was a night time employee (working 9 p.m. to 5 a.m.), supposedly a very good one.’”

Well, well, well. Supposedly a very good one. Hmmmm. I’d say.

 “Schwarzmann began gathering information and doing surveillance at the scene. He noticed on multiple evenings that she would go out to cars to see customers and would spend 10 or 15 minutes there, he said.”

See point D above. “Multiple evenings?” Seriously?

Sometimes I’d even see money changing hands,” Schwarzmann said, adding that sometimes the cars would stay in the parking lot and other times they would drive to another nearby location.” 

OK, I think when you see money changing hands, you might have a case there, Deputy Barney Fife. I’m not sure you needed to continue to let this illegal activity go on for SIX MORE WEEKS. 

Let's wait and see how this whole exchanging money in a car thing works out. Wouldn't want to be too hasty.

The rest of the story goes on to discuss how the arrest went down, including the point that when the undercover officer posing as a “john” returned on another occasion (a second time? WTF??), she offered new and lower prices!

Poor girl. She probably was just concerned about the whole debt ceiling debate in Congress and was trying to squirrel away some money before interest rates shot up and the United States went all Thelma and Louise over an economic precipice.

Or, she just needed to pay rent.

(*disclaimer: This is no way meant to condone prostitution or extra sugar. Or donuts. Those things will seriously kill you. Just say no to all of the above.)

Whew, so glad we avoided that whole economic collapse thing!