fearmongering

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my future. I share the dream of most Americans in that someday I want to boss people around, have them do my bidding while they make me great sums of money on which I can lounge all day in a chinchilla bikini. What I’m saying is, I’d make a great entrepreneur.

However, I am no Steve Jobs or that Zuckerberg kid. I really, really need to find that one great idea. But it just eludes me. Every time I hear about some genius idea, I think to myself: “ugh. I could have thought of that.” But I didn’t.

So, I’m trying to keep my eyes and ears open for that next bazillion dollar idea. Here are a few recent ideas:

Temporary heel tips – I really thought I was on to something here. I lost the tips on one of my heels recently right in the middle of the day, which meant that for the remainder of the day, you could hear my one-legged metallic clacking echoing throughout the marble halls of my work building. Not to mention the sparks flying from metal-on-cement when I left the building for various errands. I tried sticking gum on the metal, but that, of course, didn’t work and left strings of green gum everywhere.

What I really needed, I told myself, was just something to tide me over until I got home. Just a patch. Wisely, before I went charging ahead on my new brilliant idea, I did a Google search and discovered that this product already exists. Of course, I’ve never seen these wondrous things anywhere, so it’s really an issue of this company needing my skills to help them with their marketing and distribution, not inventing the actual product.

Depends for Runners – I mean, we wouldn’t actually call it Depends, but something similar-sounding, like, RearEnds. It seems to me that a lot of runners have bladder control issues. I speak from experience on this one. And yet, the only advice I ever read is to don’t drink water, lose some weight and do Kegel exercises. What the hell? I’m sweating to death – I need to drink water. I’m obviously trying to lose weight, that’s why I’m running. And on the Kegels: I’m running, isn’t that exercise enough?

We need something that will let us pee on the run, without breaking our stride. I can actually see a whole line of running gear coming out of this idea – extra absorbent socks, pee-protection lined shorts, butt-covering t-shirts. Whatever your incontinence needs, we’ve got you covered.

Phone covers with badge holders – I personally do not have this problem, but a lot of my co-workers tend to forget their work badges and then need to go through a very stringent security process involving calling another co-worker to come down and fetch them and escort them to their desk. I also notice that while these seeming professionals often forget their badges, they NEVER forget their iPhones. So, perhaps, if their badge was attached to their phones, they wouldn’t leave them at home.

Snake venom skin care – I recently read that the Duchess of Cambridge uses a bee venom mask to help maintain her gorgeous skin. It’s supposedly like nature’s Botox. Heck, if it’s good enough for royalty, it’s good enough for me, and I’m willing to take this idea a step further and start rounding up some snakes. But again, it looks like I might be too late on this one. According to this fascinating article on the World’s 10 Weirdest Beauty Treatments, snake venom facials are already popular among Hollywood royalty. As are Bird Poop Facials, according to the article.

Pillows – This isn’t a new idea, and I really don’t have a way to improve upon it, but holy crap. Have you seen how much throw pillows cost? It’s highway robbery. It is not at all uncommon to see a single pillow going for $70-$80 on One Kings Lane or Joss & Main. And good luck finding any pillow anywhere for less than $15.

What’s more, there are TONS of people out there making them. You would think the market was flooded with them, but no. The demand and appetite for decorative pillows must be INSATIABLE.

And here’s the dirty little secret: I’ve actually dabbled in sewing and let me tell you something: pillows are stinking easy. It is quite literally two pieces of fabric and some stuffing. It’s not neurosurgery. Hell, it’s not even upholstering or painting, both of which are significantly harder.

So, maybe coming up with a product isn’t going to work out from me. Surely there must be some service that has not yet been thought up.

Nit Picker – I’m really good at going around and pointing out problems and flaws. Not solutions. Just flaws. I could come to your house and critique your furnishings. I could weigh in on what’s wrong with your outfit. I could probably even give you an earful on some personality flaws you might want to fix. Relatedly….

Nay Sayer – Similar to above, I can give you a million reasons why something won’t work.

Marketing person: We want to give candy to children?

Me: What?! Are you crazy? What happens when they get all hopped up and start running around high on your beneficence and run into the street and get hit by a bus? Or, what if they’re allergic to candy? Just think of the lawsuits. No, definitely not.

Marketing person: Well, what about just giving people money?

Me: Do you have any idea how disgustingly dirty money is? All the germs? What if people get sick and die from some dollar disease. Or, worse yet, they DON’T die, but they live and have to stay in the hospital for months recovering and even then, they have some long-term side effect like flaming hot ears. How are they supposed to work with flaming hot ears? You can’t answer a phone if you’re ears are on fire. Then they’ll sue the company because they can’t make a living. Do you want to support those people for the rest of their lives?

Marketing person: I guess we could just hold a contest with a prize.

Me: Well, good luck with that, but I know for a fact that legal will never go for it. It would draw too much attention to the company and with increased attention, comes increased regulation and oversight. I really don’t know what is wrong with you. It’s like you’re trying to get the company shut down.

Then, I would ever-so-subtly suggest that instead they give away some soft and lovely Poe Pillows instead. I might be able to swing a deal and get them for the marketing person for the cut-rate price of $59.99. Just don’t ask me to put the company logo on them. I wouldn’t want to be a sell out.