ThePoeLog 2012 Christmas Gift Guide (You’re Welcome)

Christmas is coming, or so the Robertson’s on Duck Dynasty have told me (we just watched the Christmas special this past weekend). When it comes to Christmas, I personally believe everybody over 25 years of age should just buy their own crap. But, if you are looking for some great gift ideas, these all do the job pretty admirably.

Duck Dynasty Willie Robertson Chia Pet – From History Channel. $29.95. To make the DD fan in your house Happy, Happy, Happy. Provided they ain’t some Yuppy Boys and Girls.

chia willie

Real Housewives of Atlanta Kim’s Cushion Cut CZ Engagement Ring – From Bravo TV. $124.95. That’s pretty pricey for a fake ring, but you’ve got to understand: this ring was “inspired” by Kim’s engagement ring! And we all know that “The Ring Don’t Mean a Thing” (unless there’s an opportunity to make some cash on it. Then, it means $124.95.) I was hoping to find Kim’s wig line, but the website for that just takes you to the company blog. Since the line was announced in 2009, I guess you could say, “She’ll Be Tardy with the Wig Line.”

Kim's ring

Honey Boo Boo Ring – If you aren’t really feeling Kim’s ring, but are still on the lookout for some jewelry, head on over to Etsy, which brings its own brand of crazy to the Reality TV gift parade. Here, we have a ring featuring the likeness of our favorite pageant tyrant, Honey Boo Boo. Very creepy. Please note, the other items in this seller’s shop includes a ring featuring Lana Del Ray and the ladies of HBO’s Girls.

Honey Boo Boo Ring

Red Neck Slip and Slide – From Here Comes Honey Boo Boo on TLC. They’re not actually selling one, which is a missed opportunity in my opinion. However, one only needs to procure a tarp, baby oil and/or dish soap, and a hose for an afternoon of summer fun and rashes.

Cuffs by Lynne – From Lynne Curtin Designs. Prices vary. Remember Lynne on Real Housewives of Orange County? She was one of our favorites, primarily because of her side business, a line of really awful cuffs that basically involved hot gluing rhinestoned fleur de lis’ onto plastic cuffs bought at the nearest Michael’s and selling them for around $169. That girl was a hoot. We miss her craziness.

cuffs by lynne

Moonshiners Haute Hillbilly Wine Glass – Large – From Discovery Channel. $14.95. While this is a fine and fancy drinking vessel, it doesn’t come with a high faulutin’ price tag. And it’s got a lid, so you can protect your drink from dust and flies while you’re hiding out in the woods making your white lightening. You’re obviously gonna want a large.

moonshiner glass

Swamp People Choot ‘Em Candle – From History Channel. $19.95. I cannot improve upon the product description: “Their motto is no guts, no gators, but with guts comes a whole lot of stench. The Swamp People Choot ‘Em Candle. The Candle is named “pond scum”, but luckily the bayou tinted candle smells of bamboo, teak, and Spanish moss.”

Swamp people candle

Bear Grylls Ultimate Fixed Blade Knife – From BearGryllsStore.com. On sale for $62. Man Vs. Wild is no longer on the air, but Bear Grylls still needs to pay his mortgage. And skin random animals found out in the plains, hence this line of knives.

I hadn’t really thought much about ol’ Bear since his show ended, but I recently received his Survival Extreme catalog at our house. No idea how or why, but….. It. Is. Priceless. It’s got jackets and GPSs and coffee mugs and all sorts of survival gear, modeled by Grylls himself. The women’s wear is particularly hilarious. There’s a women’s section including a woman on page 30 wearing a dress. A dress. In a survival catalog. Whatever. Don’t worry about Bear though, he’s getting a new show on NBC.

Do NOT take fashion advice from this guy. Please.
Do NOT take fashion advice from this guy. Please.

 

Cape Crown Rhinestone Tiara – From Rhinestones.com. $177. 25. This one is a bit pricey (almost as much as a Cuff by Lynne), but it’s actually a multi-use item. You could wear it, obviously, while hanging out with the Honey Boo Boo clan, or any of the Real Housewives. You could wear it to a Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding.

Tiara

But you could also wear it with my newest obsession, Lilly from Shah’s of Sunset. She’s a Persian princess and seems like she appreciates a good tiara. And she’s an attorney! And she founded her own line of fake eyelashes! And a swimwear line! Kate Middleton, move over.

Lilly

Reality TV Lover Degree – From Amazon. $13.99. They call it a novelty item, but I fail to see the novelty in spending hundreds of hours watching really awful and entertaining programming.

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Thanks for the Memories, Glitsy: Porktober 2012

*Let me start by apologizing for the photos. I was very lackadaisical about taking pictures, so I stole the majority of these from other people, so there’s some variance in terms of size, especially.

There was a crime at this weekend’s Porktober. A crime against humanity. Someone ate all of the mozzarella out of the caprese salad, leaving only the cherry tomatoes.

I’m serious! What kind of person does that?? It is the great mystery of Porktober 2012, which is finally in the record books. And what an event it was. It far surpassed last year’s event, both in number of attendees and just general over-the-topness.

Porktober logo
That is the Porktober logo projected onto the house next door. That’s how we roll.

We went to our local butcher, Let’s Meat on the Avenue (see what he did there? “Meat” instead of “meet??” He’s Australian and very clever, obviously).

Del Ray butcher, Let's Meat on the Avenue

Our butcher Steve brought out our little piggy, which I named Glitsy after the pet pig on Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, a fine piece of television art which I very much enjoy. (And that’s their spelling of Glitsy. I know there’s supposed to be a “z” in glitz.)

Del Ray butcher, Let's Meat on the Avenue

After a night on ice in my bathtub, Glitsy went to the XFE beauty parlor where she got a makeover from XFE and one of our event co-hosts, Leland (husband of former running-buddy Amy).

Prepping the Porktober pig

But she still needed a tan, so over the coals she went.

Prepping the Porktober pig

Guests started showing up at 3:30 and the drinking began. People brought loads of drinks, including the intriguingly named Fireballs (some sort of cinnamon whiskey, I believe.) and a punch involving apple cider, Captain Morgan’s run and Goldschlager.

The pig took about 9 hours to roast, so we made sure we had lots of other snacks on hand, including about 12 pounds of bacon, pigs in a blanket, and something that co-host Kevin called “atomic buffalo balls,” which involved green chiles stuffed with sausage, cheese and wrapped in bacon and slow smoked. They. Were. Awesome. Plus we had slaw and potato salad and the previously mentioned, compromised caprese salad.

Oh, and there was swag. Like, koozies and stadium cups.

Porktober branding
Leland and Amy modeling the stadium cups.

And, as hosts, we all, of course, had to wear matching shirts.

Porktober branding

Finally, Glitsy was ready and the boys got BUSY. It was a frenzy.

Porktober carving

Porktober carving

Glitsy was decimated. Only her head was left (and actually, I think her cheeks were consumed soon after this picture.

Porktober carnage

Pretty gorey stuff. And it was all brought to you by this group of hoodlums, who are already making even bigger plans for next year.

Porktober crew
Scary glowy eyes notwithstanding, we look pretty good for gangstas.

That delicate little blonde in the middle there was quite insistent that we should make every effort next year to have LL Cool J attend, because, as she tipsily put it, “We’re doing it, we’re doing it, we’re doing it well.” I’m sure Glitsy would agree.