Lies I Ain’t Believing: Ray J’s “I Hit It First”

The cruel winter mistress has loosened her death grip on the DC region and allowed us all to thaw out for a minute.

Rather than go outside this evening for a run, or go and get a much-needed pedicure, I’m sitting inside the house typing up this blog post.

OK let’s be real: I’ll take any excuse to get out of a run.

But I do need pedicure. Right now, I have a sorta ghetto ombre situation going on where tiny chips of Cajun Shrimp cling diligently to a few larger toenails.

Petunia photobomb. Of course.
Petunia photobomb. Of course.

I did plan to run tonight. In fact, I downloaded this really catchy new song by this great new singer.

The song is about meeting a lovely young lady, falling in love and enjoying some intimate times. Alas, the love soon goes bad and unfortunately, the erstwhile lovers split up. They both move on to other lives and loves, but our young hero is not quite reconciled to the fact that they are no longer together. And so, in true troubadour fashion, he has written a song, letting other potential suitors know of his undying love for our fair maiden.

It’s called, “I Hit It First.”

Let me share some of the lyrics with you:

Candles lit with that wine, money still on my mind
And I gave her that really bomb sex
No matter where she goes or who she knows
She still belongs in my bed

Oh my! Candles and wine? How romantic! Tell me more about this storied romance, young Ray J.

I had her head going north and her ass going south
But now baby chose to go West…..

Well, she seems quite geographically astute, I’ll give her that.

She might move on to rappers and ballplayers
But we all know I hit it first
I hop in the club and boppers show love, and I don’t even put in work
I hit it, I hit it, I hit it, I hit it, I hit it, I hit it first
I hit it, I hit it, I hit it, I hit it, I hit it, I hit it first

So……let me get this straight, because I’m unclear: Are you saying that you knew this young lady back in the day? I mean, before the rappers and the ballplayers? It’s hard to tell because you keep repeating that you hit it, you hit it, you hit it first.

Also:  Ray J., your song seems rife with yearning. Dare I say, it seems to me like mayhap, you still pine for this lady, am I correct in my summation?

And if you were to come back to me
Girl I know just how you’d do me
And if you were to come back to me
Girl I know just why you’d choose me
And if you were to come back to me
Girl, I’ll get it wet – jacuzzi
And if you were to come back to me girl
We’ll make another movie

Yep. I think he wants Kim Kardashian back. Although, to be fair, he says quite vehemently that this song is NOT about Kim. No, more than likely it’s about another girl he dated and made a sex video with and who now dates sports figures and rappers. Not Kim. At. All.

I’m sorry, I can’t lie: That’s pretty amazing.

Listen, Ray J. Let me give you some advice. You need to move on. Believe me. She’s not coming back. She’s pregnant. With another man’s baby. While she’s still married to an entirely different guy. She’s kinda a mess.

I know how hard it is to get over someone. Well, I mean, I don’t know what it’s like from your perspective — I’m more of the heartbreaker myself. Yep, there is a very long string of devastated men left ruined in the Poe Path of Love.  Men of means and stature — successful men who have never faced a cyclone of love such as myself. There are literally single digit numbers of men who have been completely undone by my beauty AND my booty. Including strangers on the metro. (I mean, did you see my toes in the picture above? Who wouldn’t want to get with that?)

So I know the pain that  the love and loss of a fine woman can inflict on a man. But seriously, she’s done with you. Done. You need to go out and meet some other ladies. I hear this Gone With the Wind Fabulous lady is available. AND she’s got this amazing fan that I’m totally obsessed with.

So, go. Go hit that. Go make a Stallion Booty video with Ms. Moore. I look forward to hearing more about your future adventures in love.

Hopefully, I Don’t Get Sued for This

I watch a lot of Sons of Anarchy, which means I’m an expert on this topic: I imagine that being in prison must be quite boring.

“Listen here, now, prison is for chumps.”

Sure, there’s all that nice gym equipment to help you work on your fitness. But honestly, it’s prison. Other than the obvious protection angle (perhaps Opie should have hung out in the weight room a bit more), there really aren’t a lot of opportunities in prison to show off your drastic weight loss (Brilliant Reality TV Idea: “Biggest Loser: Prison Edition”)

I also hear you can work on your college degree while you’re in there. And I’m not just talking about University of Phoenix. Oh no. Apparently you can even attend Harvard behind bars. Do you have any idea how hard it is to get into Harvard? (Brilliant Reality TV Idea: “Undercover Boss: Prison Edition featuring some fancy-pants dean from Harvard”).

Or, if Ivory Towers ain’t your thing, you can learn a trait. Like, becoming a celebrity chef. This guy has all kinds of Oprah love all over him. And a book.  These guys in Massachusetts are learning how to make cakes. (Brilliant Reality TV Idea: “Top Chef: Prison Edition.”)

But ultimately, you’ve probably got a lot of downtime, so you need to find things to keep yourself occupied. Which may explain this guy. (Yes. He’s a former inmate and he has a Wikipedia page. Conversely, I am an upstanding citizen and I have…..a self-published blog.)

According to his Wikipedia page:

Since January 8, 2006, he has filed over twenty-six hundred lawsuits in federal district courts across the country.

Wow. That’s a lot of lawsuits! I’m curious about this statistic. Does he file them electronically or does he fill out actual paperwork? Because I can barely do my own taxes (which is why my live-in-psuedo accountant XFE Block does them for me). So, in actuality, I can’t even do my own taxes. Electronically or otherwise.

And what’s the time commitment here? How long does it take him to file a lawsuit in a federal district court? How does he keep up with all of them as they move through the process? Are there spreadsheets involved? Because I have a deep appreciation for a good Excel spreadsheet.

Apparently, this guy also devoted a couple of hours to TV watching while he was in jail and is definitely “Keeping Up With the Kardashians.”

Reality television star Kim Kardashian and controversial rapper Kanye West recently participated in a secret al-Qaida training camp somewhere in West Virginia, according to a lawsuit filed by “the world’s most litigious man.”

Holy transparent Lanvin skirt. I knew those two were up to no good. They are undoubtedly trying to take over the world (she’s getting her own Barbie? Starting her own tabloid magazine?).

In his lawsuit, Riches claimed that on Father’s Day, Sunday, June 17, he was “deep in the hills” of West Virginia when he “stumbled upon” West and the Kardashian family at a secret al-Qaida training camp. “They burned the U.S. flag, stomped their feet on Barack’s picture. Then Kanye West performed a concert for all the Al Qaeda (sic) members,” Riches’ lawsuit alleges.

I wonder what songs were on that set list. Hopefully not Jesus Walks. I think it’s the wrong crowd for that little ditty.

The lawsuit alleges Kim Kardashian is now the leader of Al Qaeda and that she tried to assassinate Riches once she spotted him spying on the secret training camp. “I barely escaped this episode because … Kim Kardashian launched a rocket at me, Bruce Jenner threw a grenade at my head and Khloe Kardashian tried to behead me.”

I totally envision a whole Laura Croft scenario here, with Kim performing her own stunts in tight black t-shirt and a sleek braid. A Kanye-approved outfit, of course.

working out
You need an awfully big booty to run an underground organization. Poe is definitely not qualified. But Kimmy is!

I must say, if any of the Kardashian sisters were going to attempt a beheading, I do believe Miss Khloe would have the brass ones to try it. I also find it odd that there’s no mention of Kourtney or Kris. But maybe they were busy working on the Sears clothing line. Or the one for QVC. Or Kylie and the other one’s new clothing line. (Geeze, how many free clothes do these girls need?)

Oh, wait. I’m sorry. The story does mention Kourtney’s activities a bit further down:

Another lawuit, filed in the U.S. District Court for Montana last Friday, alleged Kim, Kourtney and Khloe Kardashian, along with troubled starlet Lindsay Lohan, stole 123 cases of cold medicine from a Missoula CVS pharmacy in May. Lohan smuggled the pallet-load of cold medicine out of the store in her blouse and purse, Riches said. Kim Kardashian and Lohan then delivered the medicine to Kourtney and Khloe, who used the ill-gotten gains to cook methamphetamine.

I just love that Lindsay Lohan is described as a “troubled starlet.” Hilarious and adorable. Well played, Charleston Daily Mail. She’s a bit more than troubled and she’s not really a starlet. MI would describe her more like, “total trainwreck who can’t get set insurance Lindsay Lohan.”

Poor Lindsay. And poor Kardashians! Honestly, I don’t know how they find time to run an entire terrorist network. They’re all just so dang busy with their myriad reality shows, clothing lines, fragrances, appearances and magazine promotion. It’s sounds pretty exhausting. Which might explain the meth, I suppose.