Eight Reasons We Need a Real Housewives of the Olympic Village

The Olympics are on and they are totally messing with my Bravo viewing.

I’m not a fan of the Olympics and not just because of the TV viewing disruption. I just think in this day and age, when there are so many other platforms and international competitions and accompanying viewing options for all of your favorite sports (all of which occur without waiting four years in between), the Olympics have sort of lost their shine.

jill zarin skating

If I was into gymnastics and trampoline (that’s a sport!?), maybe I’d feel differently. But since I can literally find even table tennis or rugby on TV in just about every part of the world, I don’t feel the need to tune into the Olympics.

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Trampoline: an Olympic sport. I shit you not.

Also, it seems like it’s a total shit show for the host country every single time. A financial disaster, a PR nightmare and little or no return for a lot of effort.

My opinion, however, is a minority opinion. Clearly. You can tell by the all-out, wall-to-wall coverage blitzkrieg NBC is putting on to cover every single second of the games. Since NBC is already live streaming it everywhere, including your phone and OnDemand, I really don’t understand why they have to disrupt the entirety of the Real Housewives franchise.

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Table tennis: Also an Olympic sport. Again, not kidding.

Now, I have to wait two weeks to see RHNJ’s Jackie call Teresa a crook to her face (the ONLY thing even remotely interesting happening on Real Housewives of New Jersey this season). Two weeks to see RHOC newcomer Kelly Dodd mess up another dinner party by calling someone the “c” word (my money is on Shannon being the recipient of that particular doozy). Two weeks until we finally see RHNY’s Bethenny break the Tom/Playboy-bunny cheating news to Luann. And I have to wait two whole weeks to see if Brooks ever returns Vicki’s call!

So, what I propose to the Amazing Programming Genius/National Treasure Andy Cohen is that he get stepping and create a Real Housewives of the Olympic Village. Here are just a few reasons why I think this would be a great addition to the franchise:

Home Improvment1) Housewives and Olympians love a home improvement project (see: Heather Dubrow, Chateau Sheree, Moore Manor), and the busted Rio Olympic Village certainly sounds like a major home improvement project. Not only have there been a ton of complaints about the lackluster accommodations, but several countries have apparently brought in their own repair teams to fix damages.

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2) Olympians, like the Real Housewives, are a super horny bunch (looking at you, New York crew: ie, Luann, Sonja and Ramona). Hundreds of Rio Olympic athletes are active on Tinder, likely making use of the record 450,000 condoms distributed at the Olympic athletes’ village. Some big name Olympic Tinder users include swimmer Ryan Lochte (the Sonja of the Rio games) and golfer Rickie Fowler.

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3) Real Housewives require real private chefs and the Olympic athletes are also enjoying some hand-prepared specialties in the Olympic Village. Although, it’s hard to imagine the ladies of OC or Beverly Hills eating carb-heavy and fried salgadinhos. But I know those ladies would throw down some caipirinhas (also on the Olympic Village menu).

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4) Real Housewives love an excuse to enjoy a yacht (see: “We Got the Yacht” Luann). So do some Olympians, especially the Team USA basketball crew. They decided to skip the Olympic Village and shack up on a luxury cruise ship that sounds fit for a Housewife. “The boat has beds that will accommodate 7-footers (sorry, Bogut), a spa, multiple dining areas, a bar, a cigar lounge and an open-air pool. A weeklong cruise typically costs about $13,000.”

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5) Real Housewives like a good spa day, as do many Olympians who are enjoying the services of his-and-her salons in the Olympic Village and getting free patriotic manicures. Or, you could really go the extra mile as the Team USA men’s basketball team did and go to a “spa,” aka, a brothel. I guess the spa on their luxury cruise ship wasn’t exactly providing the services they so desperately needed.

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6) Speaking of spa services, as we saw on last week’s episode of Real Housewives of Orange County, Shannon Beador is a fan of the Gwynnie-approved therapy known as cupping. Turns out, the US Swim Team is also into cupping, which apparently confused the hell out of a lot of mainstream, TV-viewing Americans the other night. Luckily, thanks to Goop and Real Housewives, I’m up to speed on all the latest kooky health trends. So be sure to be on the lookout for leeches, people.

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7) Real Housewives like, no, need, to travel with a whole lot of luggage, as do Olympians. In the case of the team from Great Britain, they traveled with 3,000 pieces of luggage (9 of which have apparently gone missing).

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8) Finally, just like Real Housewives of New Jersey, the Olympic Village has its’ own tax evader in the form of Brazilian soccer star Neymar. Although, to be fair, Neymar probably isn’t staying in the actual Olympic Village. I’m sure he’s staying on a yacht somewhere with Luann and crew.

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BREAKING: Cats and Birds Are Not Friends

There is a rumble brewing the animal advocacy jungle, pitting claw against beak.

This poor cat is being attacked by a flock of birds.

It started with a very mundane and not terribly enlightening study from the University of Georgia (paid for, I’m sure, by U.S. taxpayers) which found that outdoor cats in the ALT are straight-up, cold-blooded, gangsta thug killas. Particularly when it comes to lizards and frogs.

“Results indicate that a minority of roaming cats in Athens (44%) were witnessed stalking or chasing prey; and 30% captured wildlife. Reptiles, mammals and invertebrates constitute the majority of suburban prey. Hunting cats captured an average of 2 items during seven days of roaming. About 41% of the prey were lizards, snakes and frogs; mammals such as chipmunks and voles accounted for 25%; and birds only 12%.”

OK, so only 30% of the 55 participating Georgia cats were actually gangsta-killas. But I personally have seen Petunia attack a bowl of Meow Mix and let me tell you, it is chilling. Nothing gets out alive. There are remnants (kibble crumbs) all over the place. It’s carnage, I tell you. Absolute carnage.

Sharpening her claws for an attack. Or, rather, just sitting on her scratching box.

I’m actually afraid to sleep around her, which is why I make sure I’m hugging her tightly to me when we sleep together at night.

So based on my own research (call me Dr. Obvious), I’d like a government grant now, please and thank you very much. It costs a lot of money to keep Petunia in kibble. And I’d like to buy one of those tiny cameras to put around her neck like those other kitties have.

By the way,  that University of Georgia website? Pretty lame. I think even thePoeLog is more technologically advanced. You guys have partnered with National Geographic on this CritterCam thing (does anyone else smell a NatGeo reality show out of all this footage?). You can go ahead and hire some student from the computer department to build you a better-looking website. You could even pay him in pizza, Mountain Dew and Clearasil.

Or you can pay them with this.

Anyway, so of course, with all these startling statistics of a whole 5 birds being killed over the course of a year by cats, the folks over at the American Bird Conservancy got their feathers all ruffled. And, seriously stretched the numbers.

“If we extrapolate the results of this study across the country and include feral cats, we find that cats are likely killing more than 4 billion animals per year, including at least 500 million birds. Cat predation is one of the reasons why one in three American bird species are in decline,” said Dr. George Fenwick, President of American Bird Conservancy, the only organization exclusively conserving birds throughout the Americas.

How do we get from 5 birds per year to 500 million? I mean, I know its math, which I don’t trust anyway, but seriously?? Also, I know a lot of people let their cats outside, but are there really enough cat thugs running around out there to kill 4 BILLION animals. I think I would notice 4 BILLION animals being left dead in the streets.

The bird group also pointed out, for no apparent reason, that feral cats kill pregnant ladies.

“Most feral cats (between 62 and 80 percent) tested positive for toxoplasmosis (a disease with serious implications for pregnant women and people with weakened immune systems).”

So pregnant ladies, take note: don’t eat cat. It will kill you.

You can however pose with one if they match your outfit.

Then, the crazy cat-lady crew over at Alley Cat Allies (which I donate to each year. Because I’m a crazy cat lady), got all in a hizzy and issued this press release:

“Alley Cat Allies, the only national advocacy organization dedicated to the protection and humane treatment of cats, today criticized the American Bird Conservancy for grossly misinterpreting new research being done at the University of Georgia and using it to support misleading claims that cats are one of the main reasons for bird species decline.

“The American Bird Conservancy’s propaganda is just more of the same–spreading fictions about outdoor cats and making wild ‘extrapolations’ about their imagined impact on other species,” said Becky Robinson, president of Alley Cat Allies. “They’ve used unpublished data to fuel their extremist agenda of killing cats. But there just isn’t evidence that shows cats have any negative impact on bird populations.

Robinson noted that the American Bird Conservancy’s campaign to eradicate cats is shortsighted and ineffective. “Killing one species to save another can never be the answer,” she said. “People are interested in humane approaches for cats, and it’s time that everyone in the animal-loving community acknowledges that.”

And then Becky snapped her fingers in the air in a Z formation and flounced off, her cat-t-shirt billowing behind her.

Stuff that might ACTUALLY be killing birds:

OK, you’ll notice I couldn’t find an actual link for that last one, but come on. The Olympics are lame. They could use the spicing up.

To sum up: Birds are definitely under attack. But they aren’t in danger from the Petunia’s of the world. However, they should be safe and avoid the Olympics.


Olympic Haters, You Came to the Right Place

I know this makes me un-American but I do not get the Olympics.

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Me neither, Liz. Me neither.

I mean, I GET them but I’m not INTO them.  Yeah, ok, there’s a bunch of young people, in the prime of their lives, pushing their bodies beyond their limits, yadda, yadda. It all makes me – the very definition of a natural athlete if ever there was one – very, well, tired. And apparently, they’re pushing their bodies in other naughty and exhausting ways as well. Bunch of dirty little monkeys.

But I don’t get this mass-patriotic-competitive-hysteria thing every four years. It’s like we’ve all been hypnotized into caring about things like medal counts and allowing grown people to wear berets and knee socks.

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Plus, it really jacks with my TV viewing schedule. This past weekend while I was ironing shirts, I turned on my go-to channel for all things ironing, Bravo, and instead of a Real Housewives marathon or something, it was TENNIS?? What the hell? I’m not about to watch tennis while ironing. Luckily my second choice in all things ironing, HGTV, was not broadcasting women’s badminton or some crap.

True story: I did not know that handball was a real sport. When I was growing up in El Paso, handball was something the cholos played and it involved a small blue ball, a wall and hitting said ball with your hand against the wall. Sort of like a low-rent, border town version of that yuppie stalwart, racquetball.

But handball isn’t like that at all. It’s more like soccer, only, the players can use their hands. Either way, I can’t really get into it.

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My Olympic-loving partner XFE is all into it, however. The other day, I caught him watching archery. ARCHERY. He didn’t even want to see Hunger Games, for crying out loud.

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Ah, ok. This explains it.

Also: let me get this straight – we JUST finished watching the very same people in the men’s road race participate in the Tour de France last week. And now,  what? Are we expecting a different outcome? Didn’t we already settle all this? Why can’t that poor guy who JUST won enjoy his victory for a minute without having to defend it again?

You should see XFE during the winter Olympics. He becomes obsessed with curling every four years.

We skipped the whole opening ceremonies thing. We watched the Beijing ones and were totally confused. From the little snippets I saw of the London ones (what was up with that giant baby in a bed??), it looked like a whole bad acid trip or something. Which, from my experiences living in London for six months in the 1990s, is about right.

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So freaking creepy. My worst nightmare.

Actually, turns out the Queen was a bit bored by the whole opening ceremony thing too and preferred to check her nails. I bet she was wishing she’d gone for the Union Jack shellac.

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They’re still more subtle than Ryan Lochte’s American flag grill. Total DB move.

I do kinda like the whole dressage events. That’s probably much more my speed. Let the horse do all the work while I wear a fancy top hat and frilly ascot. Plus, since the royals are into their horses, there’s a good chance there will be a Princess Kate sighting.

kate and horses
“Why yes, I do enjoy equestrian events. Much less sweat than handball, for example.”