I Guess That ‘Here Comes the Bride’ is a Pretty Catchy Jam

Poor Reese Witherspoon. Parents are, indeed, a neverending embarrassment.

According to several media reports, Reese Witherspoon’s dad got married back in January. But before you pull out the congratulatory champagne, keep in mind: he wasn’t divorced from Reese’s mother. The Tennessean had the story first on Thursday:

The Hollywood star’s mother, Mary Elizabeth Witherspoon, who is known as Betty, filed a lawsuit Tuesday against her husband, John Draper Witherspoon, seeking to have his new marriage to Tricianne Taylor annulled. The lawsuit accuses the two of bigamy….In her lawsuit, Betty Witherspoon said she loves her husband and does not want a divorce.

OMG, Mad Men alert! Her mother’s name is Betty?? And her father’s middle name is Draper?? And there’s some domestic shadiness surrounding some lies involving multiple wives and different lives?? Total Mad Men moment.

Wonder if he’s thinking about getting hitched?

John Draper Witherspoon played the bumbling idiot husband card when ol’ Betty confronted him:

“When I confronted my husband, he said he didn’t know who Tricianne Taylor was and that he did not remember getting married,” she said in the affidavit.

That’s right! Deny, deny, deny. “Hmmmm, let’s see. I remember waking up that morning, and I remember having eggs for breakfast, but I do not remember getting married.” Not that it didn’t happen, mind you — just that he didn’t remember it. But, records show he did file for the damn marriage license, according to the reports.

Oops. There’s a picture.

Also, I must admit, I’m very intrigued by this little tidbit.

Reese Witherspoon’s parents have been married for 42 years, but her father’s drinking and hoarding problems prompted the couple to move to separate houses in 1996, but they never divorced, according to the lawsuit.

What’s really interesting about this is that the Tennessean did not mention that Betty also highlighted his infidelity as an issue, but several other media reports did.

Since John Draper Witherspoon has a successful daughter, his hoarding was of a much higher caliber than the mountains of Wal-Mart clothes and garage sale appliances you’d normally see on A&E’s Hoarders.

“He owns at least five motorcycles, five boats and recently bought a black Cadillac.”

Anyway, I can pretty easily see how something like bigamy happens. I’m almost positive that my mother, who’s been married four times, wasn’t technically or legally divorced from all of her husbands before she married the next one.

The only one I’m positive she went through the motions of getting divorced from was the first one. Husbands 2, 3, and 4 are a bit sketchier. And actually, come to think of it – I’m pretty sure she IS still married to number 4, who split the scene (oh, I was around 18 at the time, so that’d be about) 22 years ago.

If memory serves me right, I think she tried to claim that one of them abandoned her or must’ve died or something and therefore, she didn’t need to go through the legal process of getting divorced. By her logic, you could just put an “abandoned” ad in the Penny Saver and go ahead and set the wedding date for the next one.

I think she thinks it’s like common law marriage where in some states (not Virginia, thankfully for XFE and me), if you live together long enough, you’re considered married. By her accounting, if you DON’T live together long enough, welp, you’re divorced.

Don’t worry, Reese. We’ve all got crazy kin.

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