Bringing Stabby Back

Ladies, protect your booties.

There’s a mad man out there, in the greater DC area on the loose.

Have you seen this man?

Yep, he looks like a freak. Look at that shirt. Freak shirt.

He’s what’s being called, the Serial Butt Slasher. And he’s roaming our stores and stabbing our ladies in the behinds, including his latest victim, an 18-year-old girl who was shopping at Forever 21 in Fairfax, VA.

 “She told police that she suddenly felt a sharp pain in her butt and thought she might have been struck by a clothes hanger before she realized she’d been cut through her denim shorts with a box cutter or razor.”

WTF??? And apparently, the stab wound was about 1.5 inches deep! So far, (since February) the guy has stabbed at least five women in the butt while they shopped at stores such as Marshall’s, Ann Taylor and H&M. Those are my stores!

I dare this dude to take a swipe at the Poe Pooper. First of all, this baby don’t got back. I don’t know what the butt stabber’s victims are shaped like, but I’m guessing he’s going for something a bit more pronounced, so to speak. With me, he’d be swiping air.

Secondly, I have no problem yelling and calling people out in public places. I do it all the time. On metros, while crossing the street, in the grocery store when a woman got mad that I moved her items up on the conveyer belt even though she was nowhere to be seen. My mom used to always say she wasn’t afraid anyone would kidnap me because once I opened my mouth, they’d send me back where I came from.

But apparently, I don’t need to worry. All his victims have been teenaged women or in their early 20s. So he probably doesn’t want my old ass anyway.

My friend Kelly (who is in her 20s and has a booty) is the one who alerted me to this story. This is a quote from her: “I’m afraid for my butt. One minute you’re on the metro or at Forever 21 and the next thing you know, you’re bleeding.” I asked her whether she intends to do anything to protect her assets: “Well, I’m thinking about putting metal plates in my pockets.”

I think she should get one of these: 

That's a good look, I think.


Actually, this story immediately reminded me of another perpetrator that was targeting women last year. It’s easily one of the most disgusting and disturbing stories I’ve ever read.

Last August, some dude in Gaithersburg, MD (another DC-adjacent suburb) was squirting women with a substance from a bottle. Turned out, that substance was SEMEN???!!!!

There were five reported incidences. FIVE. At area Giant stores (a grocery chain) and Michael’s craft stores. And, he would snap a photo of the act with his cellphone. WTF times a thousand!!

My favorite part was how they caught this winner:

“Detective Patrick Word examined surveillance video and saw the suspect purchase groceries using his store bonus card. In the doorway, the man can be seen squirting fluid from a bottle and taking a picture, police said.  Police identified Edwards through his bonus card and the surveillance video. Forensic tests confirmed the substance as semen.”

So ladies, watch yourselves. There’s some real sickos around these parts. And send your men to the grocery stores.