Some Advice for a Shoplifting Beauty Queen

Ay Lorena. Ven pa’ca, my little El Paso beauty queen. I know, I know,  former Miss El Paso 2008, but you will always be my sullied desert flower. We need to have a little talk.

Guuurrl. What are you doing? You are 21. You’ve got your whole life ahead of you. You got this whole modeling thing going. You got this little er, production (?) company. You were attending Harvard of the Southwest, UTEP. You were doing well.

Then you had to get picked up for shoplifting? Honey, I do not understand.

Listen, I’m from El Paso. I know how boring it can get. I do. And a trip to Sunland Park Mall is certainly a good time, right up there with Chico’s Tacos. But stealing a $69 shirt from Dillard’s? Tell me chica, was it this one? Kinda busy, no? Somehow I bet it was this one. It seems very dramatic, but the fabric looks a bit cheap to me. Too bad you weren’t wearing your new blouse in the mug shot. I’m pretty curious.

I also know the pressures that come with the prestigious Miss El Paso crown and all its amazing and overwhelming duties. It must have been so exciting to ride on floats in parades and flip the switch on the El Paso Christmas lights.

Regardless, back to my point—shoplifting—it’s not a good road to go down. And two outstanding traffic warrants? Adios mios!

Lemme ask, since you are a pretty girl, did you try to talk your way out of getting arrested AT ALL? Like maybe with the employees who turned you in or with the arresting officer? Turn on some waterworks, mija!

I understand you told a local reporter that details of the incident were “misconstrued, it’s twisted.” Which part is misconstrued? Was the blouse worth much more than $69? Because I gotta say, if you’re going to shoplift, you could go a lot bigger. I have certainly eyeballed a pair of Louboutins in my time and thought about “liberating” them in my purse. I’m just saying.

But don’t worry. You can turn this around. Listen, if I got out of El Paso, you can too. You just gotta focus. And stay away from tacky blouses.

Your mug shot is honestly, striking. You look great. You’ll definitely get some modeling offers just off that alone. I’m thinking Playboy pictorial featuring you as a cop. It’s irony, get it? Oh wait. What’s that? A former Playboy Playmate was arrested this week for trying to board a plane with a concealed weapon? Hmmm. Maybe you shouldn’t hang out with those girls either. They are packing heat!

The story was reported far and wide – even getting some play in Ghana! If you really play your cards right, you can parlay this into an Angelina Jolie-starred vehicle. You look a lot like her. Or, at the very least, a Lifetime movie. Even that Amanda Knox chick got her own movie on that channel, so I think you should aim high and get one too! But, the awesome title “Falsely Accused” is already taken, so bummer there. Maybe we can call your “Misconstrued and Twisted?”

Also, don’t beat yourself up too much because you’re not even the first beauty pageant winner to be arrested by El Paso police. Raelene Aguilar, Miss New Mexico USA 2008, was arrested on drunk driving charges in April 2009. And her case got dropped eight months later because of “insufficient evidence.”

So see? Don’t worry, mi cara!

In an update of an earlier crime story: Fairfax County police now confirm that there have been NINE victims of the infamous Serial Butt Stabber! When will this crime spree end? When will women’s bottoms be safe again??