Hopefully, I Don’t Get Sued for This

I watch a lot of Sons of Anarchy, which means I’m an expert on this topic: I imagine that being in prison must be quite boring.

“Listen here, now, prison is for chumps.”

Sure, there’s all that nice gym equipment to help you work on your fitness. But honestly, it’s prison. Other than the obvious protection angle (perhaps Opie should have hung out in the weight room a bit more), there really aren’t a lot of opportunities in prison to show off your drastic weight loss (Brilliant Reality TV Idea: “Biggest Loser: Prison Edition”)

I also hear you can work on your college degree while you’re in there. And I’m not just talking about University of Phoenix. Oh no. Apparently you can even attend Harvard behind bars. Do you have any idea how hard it is to get into Harvard? (Brilliant Reality TV Idea: “Undercover Boss: Prison Edition featuring some fancy-pants dean from Harvard”).

Or, if Ivory Towers ain’t your thing, you can learn a trait. Like, becoming a celebrity chef. This guy has all kinds of Oprah love all over him. And a book.  These guys in Massachusetts are learning how to make cakes. (Brilliant Reality TV Idea: “Top Chef: Prison Edition.”)

But ultimately, you’ve probably got a lot of downtime, so you need to find things to keep yourself occupied. Which may explain this guy. (Yes. He’s a former inmate and he has a Wikipedia page. Conversely, I am an upstanding citizen and I have…..a self-published blog.)

According to his Wikipedia page:

Since January 8, 2006, he has filed over twenty-six hundred lawsuits in federal district courts across the country.

Wow. That’s a lot of lawsuits! I’m curious about this statistic. Does he file them electronically or does he fill out actual paperwork? Because I can barely do my own taxes (which is why my live-in-psuedo accountant XFE Block does them for me). So, in actuality, I can’t even do my own taxes. Electronically or otherwise.

And what’s the time commitment here? How long does it take him to file a lawsuit in a federal district court? How does he keep up with all of them as they move through the process? Are there spreadsheets involved? Because I have a deep appreciation for a good Excel spreadsheet.

Apparently, this guy also devoted a couple of hours to TV watching while he was in jail and is definitely “Keeping Up With the Kardashians.”

Reality television star Kim Kardashian and controversial rapper Kanye West recently participated in a secret al-Qaida training camp somewhere in West Virginia, according to a lawsuit filed by “the world’s most litigious man.”

Holy transparent Lanvin skirt. I knew those two were up to no good. They are undoubtedly trying to take over the world (she’s getting her own Barbie? Starting her own tabloid magazine?).

In his lawsuit, Riches claimed that on Father’s Day, Sunday, June 17, he was “deep in the hills” of West Virginia when he “stumbled upon” West and the Kardashian family at a secret al-Qaida training camp. “They burned the U.S. flag, stomped their feet on Barack’s picture. Then Kanye West performed a concert for all the Al Qaeda (sic) members,” Riches’ lawsuit alleges.

I wonder what songs were on that set list. Hopefully not Jesus Walks. I think it’s the wrong crowd for that little ditty.

The lawsuit alleges Kim Kardashian is now the leader of Al Qaeda and that she tried to assassinate Riches once she spotted him spying on the secret training camp. “I barely escaped this episode because … Kim Kardashian launched a rocket at me, Bruce Jenner threw a grenade at my head and Khloe Kardashian tried to behead me.”

I totally envision a whole Laura Croft scenario here, with Kim performing her own stunts in tight black t-shirt and a sleek braid. A Kanye-approved outfit, of course.

working out
You need an awfully big booty to run an underground organization. Poe is definitely not qualified. But Kimmy is!

I must say, if any of the Kardashian sisters were going to attempt a beheading, I do believe Miss Khloe would have the brass ones to try it. I also find it odd that there’s no mention of Kourtney or Kris. But maybe they were busy working on the Sears clothing line. Or the one for QVC. Or Kylie and the other one’s new clothing line. (Geeze, how many free clothes do these girls need?)

Oh, wait. I’m sorry. The story does mention Kourtney’s activities a bit further down:

Another lawuit, filed in the U.S. District Court for Montana last Friday, alleged Kim, Kourtney and Khloe Kardashian, along with troubled starlet Lindsay Lohan, stole 123 cases of cold medicine from a Missoula CVS pharmacy in May. Lohan smuggled the pallet-load of cold medicine out of the store in her blouse and purse, Riches said. Kim Kardashian and Lohan then delivered the medicine to Kourtney and Khloe, who used the ill-gotten gains to cook methamphetamine.

I just love that Lindsay Lohan is described as a “troubled starlet.” Hilarious and adorable. Well played, Charleston Daily Mail. She’s a bit more than troubled and she’s not really a starlet. MI would describe her more like, “total trainwreck who can’t get set insurance Lindsay Lohan.”

Poor Lindsay. And poor Kardashians! Honestly, I don’t know how they find time to run an entire terrorist network. They’re all just so dang busy with their myriad reality shows, clothing lines, fragrances, appearances and magazine promotion. It’s sounds pretty exhausting. Which might explain the meth, I suppose.