I’m Now Ready to Take the Bar Exam (That’s the Given at a Bar, Right?)

Well hellllllooo there! Sorry to neglect this little ol’blog here but work has been kicking my butt this week.

This image, by the way, is from a yoga blog. That just cracks me up.

Anyway, like I was saying, work has been mildly panic-inducing. For one thing, I attended two all-day summit/event/type thingies full of super smart people sitting on panels or standing behind podiums talking about really important national and economical issues, including this legally-lawyerly one I went to on Thursday.

And it’s a good thing I stuck with that lawyerly one, because I am now totally and eminently qualified to defend Justin Bieber in his latest lawsuit.

(No, it’s not another person claiming he knocked her up. Remember that? When for like, a hot half-a-minute we all thought Justin Bieber was getting his freaky-freak on instead of being the innocent little, barely teenage pop singer we had all thought him to be? I found it quite disturbing to even contemplate.)

Regardless of the state of his virginity, I do feel that the Beebs deserves proper legal representation. And, not only did I attend some legally summit, but my paralegal-for-life XFE and I have been powering through “Breaking Bad” on Netflix (that’s us, always late to the party). Right now we’re wrapping up season 3 and I feel like Saul Goodman is an appropriate role model for my future legal career.

Let’s take the merits of this complaint filed against one Justin-Deserves-Justice Beiber.

Charge A: Claimant charges he is Beiber’s biological dad.

Argument: Everyone knows the Beebs descended from marshmallow clouds of sweet, sweet pop music. No father necessary.

Charge B: Claimant charges he’s also the father of Selena Gomez.

Argument: Anyone with eyes in their head can see there is no resemblance between our angelic pop star and Ms. Selena. Plus, see argument outlined above.

Charge C: Claimant charges Bieber stole his credit card to pay for a penis enlargement.

Argument: He recently bought his first home. To the tune of $6.5 million. At 18 years old. I don’t think he’s struggling for scratch, no matter what kind of – ehem – improvements he’s trying to subsidize.

Charge D: Claimant charges that Bieber bought a load of cocaine for him and P-Diddy on the card.

Argument: This is the same kid who threw up on stage after eating spaghetti and washing it down with milk. And everyone knows Bieber hangs with Usher. Everybody except Ne-Yo, apparently. Speaking of Usher…..

Charge E: Claimant charges: that Usher came over to his house on July 4, 2012 and did some very ungentlemanly things to him while “blaring Kate Perry (sic) ‘firework’ song in my ear drums.”

Argument: While quite a vivid image is painted by our mystery claimant (all we know is that he’s from Michigan, which, by the way, begs the question of how one can file a lawsuit without giving one’s name), US Weekly provides photographic evidence of Usher’s whereabouts on July 4, 2012.

Charge F: Claimant charges: “Bieber has cost me $426.78 and never paid me back. This money was used as abortion money because Justin Bieber got my daughter Selena pregnant in my bedroom, on my Canadian bear rug.”

Argument: Canadian bear rug? Does such a thing exist? (Apparently there are three different kinds of bears native to Canada, so this one might actually be true.)

Ladies and gentlemen of the tabloid jury, I rest my case. Now, let’s all just go back to worrying about whether Casey Anthony is a member of the Illuminati.