Revisiting Reality Shows: My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding

Twice this past month, I’ve gotten a notification from the fine folks at WordPress that my “stats were booming,” ie: a significant spike in visitors. By like, 400 percent.

Since I have been pretty sporadic about posting lately, I found that a bit odd and did some digging.

And what I found out is that it’s the gypsies that are doing it.

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The post that attracted hundreds of new visitors to the site for several days in July and August was this one from 2012: Reality TV Time: I Cannot Tear My Eye-Nipples Away from My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding.

Now, I’d like to think it’s that snazzy title with the incredibly SEO-friendly phrase “Eye-Nipples” that has led to all this PoeLog discovery. However, I think it’s probably much more likely tied to the fact that a season FIVE (??? Is that right? How can that be??) of My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding recently started up on July 17 on TLC, formerly “The Learning Channel” but which I rather affectionately call “Total Loose Cannons.”

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I have to admit, I have not kept up with my white-trash cousins, the American Romanichal. Somehow, over the years, I’ve lost touch on all the comings and goings of wee little gypsy Priscilla (she’s now a professional wrestler!) and her ne’er-do-well pappy Pat Baby (not surprisingly, he did some time at what Teresa Guidice would call “camp”). I have missed out on probably hundreds of gaudy yet spectacular Sondra Celli dresses made for under-aged brides with more makeup (and disposable cash) than common sense.

But, with the Olympic-sized absence of Bravo-sponsored reality TV in my life last week, I decided to pour myself a goblet of wine, don my best butt-bedazzled velour house pants, and give my blog readers what they want: like an 80-pound gypsy bride in an 80-pound dress, I carefully maneuvered my way back into My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding, ie: I watched the first two episodes OnDemand.

And wow, how I have missed this show. All of the essential trainwreck elements are still there: tangled family triangles (as well as quadrangles and any other geometric configuration you can think of), young girls with big dress dreams and impossible requests, young men who eskew normal wedding attire, fights – both the internal struggles against expected societal norms and actual drunken brawls. And divorce. Lots and lots of divorces, especially for a cultural group who insist that divorce is incredibly shameful and not an option.

Episode one (“Rotting Dresses and Candy Messes”) of this season involved two supposedly “nontraditional gypsy girls.” Eighteen-year-old Maquayla, has several jobs, including, alarmingly, as a makeup artist. Her would-be groom, however, has zero jobs. Maquayla, full of love in her heart, still intends to marry him and she wants a Sondra Celli dress made of real flowers.

Now, Sondra’s magical dress workshop is located near Boston. Maquayla lives in West Virginia. No way a dress made of perishable items is going to survive the 500-mile journey two days before the wedding. And, surprise, it does not. When the supposedly “refrigerated” truck pulls up in front of what looks to be the Days Inn, I can tell right away that that truck is not refrigerated and second, that that dress was not transported with love and care. The door opens to reveal a sad, wilted flower salad of a dress.

Maquayla calls Sondra Celli crying and Sondra Celli jumps into action, flying down to West Virginia with only one assistant and rebuilds the entire dress with only moments to spare. The wedding takes place in a literal field with cows and pigs in attendance. The groom and his groomsmen are wearing vests, ties, trucker hats and no shirts. Oh, and Maquayla tells us and her groom that she’s pregnant. So much for non-traditional.

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Our other non-traditional gypsy girl is Yazzie and she’s celebrating her Sweet 16. The reason she’s non-traditional is that she’s secretly dating a gorger (a boy who is not a gypsy). His name is Anthony and it’s all really rather boring except for the fact that when Yazzie decides to honor her mother and her culture by breaking up with Gorger Anthony, she does it at a park. Then she skates off dramatically on a giant skateboard. It was pretty fantastic.

Favorite lines from episode 1:

  • “Everything was dead….my dream wedding dress was dead. And my dream gypsy flower wedding died with it.”–Maquayla
  • “My eyes wanted to cry and my stomach fell into my butt, but he was the picture of perfection.”—Maquayla
  • “I’ve never lost a dress and I’m not going to lose this one!”—Sondra Celli

Episode 2 (“Double Wedding From Hell”) cleared up for me why I had had so many visitors to that particular blog post—it was a catch-up with our old friends, Priscilla and Pat Baby.

We discover that Priscilla Kelly is now 18-years-old and is now a professional wrestler in Atlanta. She must be doing alright because she’s throwing herself a big, gypsy birthday party. But she’s torn on whether to invite her father, Pat Baby. Priscilla’s parents are recently divorced and cannot stand each other. Plus, Pat Baby has a way of acting out and she’s worried he’ll turn it into a “Pat Baby party,” which he totally does. He’s also pretty fond of embarrassing her in public, including at her wrestling matches where he becomes a creepy superfan.

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She does not invite Pat Baby and makes it clear that he is not invited. However, he somehow takes this as an invitation to just show up anyway. And he gets drunk, hangs all over his daughter, yells at his ex-wife, tries to take over the DJ tables and gets kicked out.

Our other story is, believe it or not, even more unbelievably disastrous. Cousins Stefanie, 19, and Amber-Lynn, 22, are in love with gypsy boys, Mike and Dustin and plan to have a double wedding. The only problem is, Stefanie’s sister, Chassity. She also happens to be Dustin’s ex and has a child with him. When we first meet her, she’s practicing her bb-gun skills, so we know she is no joke.

Chassity objects to the upcoming Amber-Lynn/Dustin wedding and along with her mother (Amber-Lynn’s aunt), vows to ruin the big day. She tries to break up the in-love couple, making it clear that she’s available and forgiving. When that doesn’t work, Chassity and her mother don black garb and attend the wedding, glaring at the couple throughout the brief ceremony and through the ghetto reception.

The reception is where things really start to unravel. Amber-Lynn’s ex-husband shows up to declare his love for her. Although Amber-Lynn kicks him out, her new groom believes there is more there. He calls her a whore, pushes a pregnant girl, gets in an all-out fight with all the other attendees, and the cops show up to break the reception up. The episode ends with the news that Amber-Lynn has gone back to her ex-husband.

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Favorite lines from episode 2:

  • “Nobody puts Pat Baby in a corner.”—Pat Baby
  • “My theme is 1920s Great Gatsby meets rave with a touch of gypsy bling.”—Priscilla
  • “She has no butt, no boobs. You’re going to get bored.”—Chassity
  • “Definitely curse this fucking wedding.”—Chassity

 

 

 

 

 

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The Laziest Post Ever

Alright, alright, let’s not get in a tizzy. I know I went MIA from blogging this past weekend. I was far too busy holding the couch down and popping champagne. Seriously, I am champagned out. We had people over on Friday, which necessitated champagne. Saturday was some sort of celebratory holiday. I don’t know. We were in bed by like, 10:30. But we did have champagne, just to be festive. And, because we had opened a big magnum of super-cheap Verdi champagne right before we fell asleep, we just had to finish that off on Sunday.

It was also a weekend of super-excellent eats, including some surprisingly delicious and large Virginia oysters, smoked prime rib, lobster tails, and crab legs. All planned and prepared by boyfriend-chef extraordinaire XFE. Amazing food all around. And nary a workout in sight.

We did watch the full season of Hung on HBO though, so that’s progress. I suppose. (And “Black Swan,” which was waaaay overrated. And “Cowboys and Aliens” which was stupidly entertaining.)

So to help us all ease back into this whole working and blogging thing, I present to you, a review of thePoeLog, courtesy of WordPress.

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2011 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

The concert hall at the Syndey Opera House holds 2,700 people. This blog was viewed about 11,000 times in 2011. If it were a concert at Sydney Opera House, it would take about 4 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.

100th Post – Can You Feel the Spam?

Well kids, we’ve arrived at the 100th post on thePoeLog. Isn’t that crazy?! 100 laugh-filled posts on reality tv, food, running, and traveling.

That’s more posts than Lindsay Lohan sober days! That’s more posts than Kim Kardashian’s total marriage (although, to be fair, I have not posted every single day and Kim did stay married to her bo-hunk each of those 72 days).

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Perhaps I should instead find a way to work Kate Moss into my analogy. According to my WordPress statistics, she is the most common search term bringing viewers to my blog (138 views), followed by Occupy Paris (88 views), and that educator on how to love, Lil Wayne (78 views).

My top viewed posts of all time (besides the home page) was the Missing Out on the Missoni Madness post (viewed 324 times) and again, my post on Lil Wayne, bringing up the number two spot at 174 views. Hmmm, maybe I am falling in love with Lil Wayne just a tiny bit.

Speaking of love, much as I love y’all’s comments on my stories, there is a great untold backlog of comments that never make it onto the blog. No, some mysterious (and smart) system name Askimet stops these comments from ever seeing the light of day.  But I see them, gentle reader. I see them.

So I want to dedicate my 100th post to these brave souls, these people who work so hard to leave totally random comments on stories that have nothing to do with what they’re selling. I salute you, spammers of the world.

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 “I haven’t checked in here for some time as I thought it was getting boring, but the last handful of posts are really great quality so I guess I will add you back to my daily bloglist. You deserve it my friend. I have bookmarked your page: and will check back often. Thanks for the good information!”

This most recent comment starts off a bit insulting, but then picks up on the kiss-ass angle that all good spam comments employ. Thank goodness I got added back on to this spammer’s daily bloglist. I mean, the URL is from University of Iowa health news and I would not want to be dropped by those guys. Devestating.

Here’s another one from the very clearly titled website: How to Get Taller Fast.

I can’t believe I “forgot” to read your blog since I identified it 3 months earlier. Too busy with perform I guess. Anyways I have it bookmarked now to be positive that I get notified as soon as you put some new content up.

I can’t believe you “forgot” to read my blog either, HtGTF. I mean, there’s so much stuff on there about tall-stuff. I also “forgot” to read your site. And by “forgot,” I mean I didn’t know you exist. Good luck with that perform, by the way.

Freecouponcode wants me to know:

It is little doubt that this is the best singer in the planeta! What makes a singer isn’t their looks, it’s their voice! I don’t like when people judge singers on things that just aren’t that vital. Remember, they are entertainers, not congressmen! Let them do their thing and enjoy the music!

What’s especially puzzling about this is that this comment was left in response to my post on breakfast tacos. I’m not sure if there’s a singer known as Breakfast Taco, but if there is, I agree, his looks should not be so important. And I’m glad Breakfast Taco is not a congressman. Although, I’m sure he’s just as qualified as the current crop.

This one from HowToIdeas.com is very direct. No buttering me up about how awesome my writing is or anything.

The Zune concentrates on being a Portable Media Player. Not a web browser. Not a game machine. Maybe in the future it’ll do even better in those areas, but for now it’s a fantastic way to organize and listen to your music and videos, and is without peer in that regard. The iPod’s strengths are its web browsing and apps. If those sound more compelling, perhaps it is your best choice.

Perhaps Zune is my best choice. Perhaps. It. Is. I’m convinced. I’m chucking this old iPod out the window right this very minute. (This comment, by the way, was in response to my review of the Run for the Water 5k. Totally pertinent.)

Just one more great way to save lots of income upon auto tires is always to employ payless coupon codes. Coupons are a great way in order to maintain bucks high are a variety of discount codes easily available on the market.

Oh my! How did you know that I wanted to save “lots of income upon auto tires!” Losing income upon auto tires keeps me up at night! And I couldn’t agree more that “coupons are a great way in order to maintain bucks.” Thanks so much LetFleury of PaylessCouponFree.com. Your way with words is quite fetching.

It’s seems to be getting harder and harder to find good reading material online. Your article has renewed my faith in today’s writers. Thank you

No, Samsung 1080p hdtv, thank you. I will try to keep up the high caliber of writing that compelled you to comment to my post on my wisdom teeth removal.

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State of the Blog

When I started this little endeavor, waaaay back when, I knew that I would be putting some stuff out there, and that I might learn some interesting (?) things about my fellow human beings.

One of the things I find most addictive about a blog is the stats. And WordPress does not disappoint. They give you plenty of stats on your blog’s activities.

Here are a few things I have learned thus far:

You guys like (in order) posts about drag queens, fried foods at state fairs, and running towards free beer. Very interesting, you naughty little minxes. I can promise you, there will definitely be more of all of that on here in the future.

You seem less interested in flag shirts/patriotic food (my personal chef for life XFE also agreed that the food montage/collage was uberlame), my wannabe rapper status, and –most disappointingly—my rant on celebrity ethics and good choices.

The other factoids I really love are the search stats. That tells me about people who used Google or some other search engine to find the blog. Here are a couple of interesting ones:

nike spokesperson vick huffington post
toons having sex
thepoelog.com
half marathon photos feather boa
million dollar decorators restaurant flooring

Alrighty, let’s just address the elephant in the room, shall we? Whoever found my blog by typing in “Toons Having Sex,” please stop reading. You will not catch any “kitty porn” featuring Princess Petunia Potpie on this website. She’s a lady, even though she does like to lie around quite indelicately on her back with her legs open. She’s just a cat. Get your Roger Rabbit-loving-pervert ass off my blog.

Can’t wait to see the search stats after this little post.

Tomorrow I’m at a wedding and I have a very special post planned involving GYPSIES!!