Don’t Know How to Convey Your Annoyance Via Text? Go With a PoEmoji

FAKT: I have never used an emoji. I actually don’t even know how to. Are they on my phone somewhere? I am old and decrepit and have no idea. Maybe they’re housed on my Life Alert.

Emoji Life Alert

I recently read that some new emojis are being considered and it got me thinking about which ones I would use, if in fact, I was about 25 years younger and had more than four friends who will actually attempt to text with me.

Also, it got me thinking, “How do I get a spot on that emoji judging panel because I bet the discussions are amazing and intense and just awesomely nerdy.”

One of the PoEmojis that immediately popped into my mind was in fact a taco, and lo and behold, the taco emoji is one of the ones currently being considered for release. Whew. Because I do think I would truly use a taco one. Pretty much anytime my personal-chef-for-life XFE asks me what I want him to make me for dinner, the answers are invariably: tacos and/or ice cream sandwiches. Breakfast, lunch or dinner. Tacos are the perfect food. And ice cream sandwiches are just delicious.

Mmmmm, tacos.

Anyway, without further ado, my contributions to the emoji world, or PoEmojis, if you will.

Soysauced emoji. This one is useful for times you want to tell your friends that you fell and made a spectacle of yourself. (See origination of soysauced here.)

Sample use: “Oh girl. I was walking down the street minding my own business and then wham! <soysauce> I think I recovered pretty well, though.”

Cheese and wine emoji. I’m sure there’s already a wine emoji and probably a cheese emoji, but I really need them to be together. That would be my emoji to indicate that XFE is out of town and single girl debauchery is about to commence.

Sample use: “Hey, sorry you can’t come over for <cheese and wine>. Please be on standby to call Cat Protective Services in case I oversleep and forget to feed the cat.”

Crazy cat lady emoji. Speaking of cats, I know quite a few ladies who could use this one. I would expect to receive this one on birthdays, and especially after a friend fights with her boyfriend.

Sample use: “Hey girl, you better straighten up and act right or you’re going to end up <a crazy cat lady>.”

I always joke that I’m one boyfriend and a caftan away from crazy cat lady status. Actually, I do have a few things in my wardrobe that qualify as caftan-esque, so maybe I’m only one boyfriend away from crazy cat lady.

Real Housewives emoji. I think this one would either be like an eye-rolling emoji or maybe a shocked open-mouthed one. I can’t decide.

Sample use: “So then she said that I was being too dramatic and maybe I should reconsider my position that Texas is the best state, and I was all like, <Real Housewives>. I mean, can you believe her??”

Kim’s butt emoji. This emoji is meant to convey something truly large, perhaps, suspiciously so. Like, maybe, too good to be true? A total fake out.

Sample use: “Well, I thought we were going to get out of having to go to that baby shower, but it turned out it was a total <Kim’s butt> and now I feel like an idiot because we obviously have to go.”

Honey badger emoji. Because I was watching this show the other day on National Geographic (let me tell you….unless you want to watch Sex and the City reruns—on two channels, no less– you are basically screwed on daytime television viewing), and it reinforced once again how badass honey badgers are. I think this emoji would come in handy when you’re trying to tell someone that they best not mess with you or you will open up a whole bag of snake-killing honey badger on them.

honey badger

Sample use: “I got so angry when CVS didn’t have the most recent edition of Us Weekly, I almost went all <honey badger> on the unhelpful and uninterested clerk. Instead, I bought last week’s and read it again. Bye, Felicia.”

Speaking of, I don’t think a “bye, Felicia” emoji would sit in the emoji school yard unused. I see that one as a face with a side eye and a hand up dismissal sort of movement. Like “talk to the hand,” but with side eye.

Bye Felicia

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Totally Pretentious Food Truck Review: Surfside

Hey, you know what we haven’t done in a really long time? A Totally Pretentious Food Truck Review! (read previous TPFTRs here)

It’s not a secret that I can’t pass up a taco. Being from Texas, I consider tacos a delicious and ingenious art form. They’re endlessly adaptable, they’re compact and they can be held in a hand. What’s not to love?

I still love tacos after my recent visit to Surfside Taco Truck, but they seriously tested the limits of that love.

Unlike most food trucks that start life mobile and perhaps, someday, graduate to a brick-and-mortar location (I’m looking at you decliciously wonderful District Taco), Surfside started as a restaurant and unveiled its food truck last October.

Perhaps that’s why the food was so bad. Perhaps they are leftovers from the restaurant.

Things started off well. I went at 12:25 on a sunny Tuesday, right at the height of the lunch time rush. The food smelled divine, so I had no problem making a decision. The line wasn’t too bad, probably about a dozen or so people in front of me and it was moving. It took me about six minutes to order and it’s a pretty easy ordering process. There’s three types of tacos (grilled fish, grilled chicken and pork carnitas), a burrito option and for those watching their waistlines, a bowl option.

I ordered a combination, opting for one grilled fish taco (with corn and black bean salsa, guacamole and lime sour cream) and one pork carnitas (with guacamole and lime sour cream) and paid $9, which is a bit steep for two tacos. I also bought a humongous water for $2. The other drink options were Coke and Diet Coke. Kinda skimpy on the drink options, in my opinion.

My food came out very quick after, probably just a minute or two. They do take credit cards, which is nice. They had forks and napkins set out in front of the truck, but no other condiments. They do apparently have salsa, but you have to ask for it.

On first impression, the rice looked very unappetizing (and hold up – where are the beans? And what about some tortilla chips?). It looked dry and yellow, which I immediately discovered were both true. There were hard grains throughout, and it was very salty. The yellow color was due to all the butter they had sprayed on it, ostensibly to keep it moist. Fail.

The fish taco was very well-prepared, moist and flaky, but it was also very flavorless. The corn and black bean salsa was also not very memorable – maybe some sort of Mexican slaw would be a better choice. And the guacamole was just mashed avocado – no cilantro or any kick to it. There was also some cream sauce in there, but there either wasn’t enough or it was also flavorless.

My disappointment in the fish taco was about to be amplified three-fold by the pork carnitas. They were totally dry and flavorless. And there was this one giant piece of meat I had to break down into bite size pieces. While doing that, I noticed that it was totally overcooked. It was charcoal. The carnitas taco didn’t come with any salsa or anything and it definitely could have used it.

But the true measure of a taco is the tortillas and Surfside disappointed me there as well. Look, I don’t expect every taco truck in DC to make their own tortillas, but at least get some quality tortillas. These, despite being layered with two tortillas, fell apart. Just crumbled.

So, to sum up: not a lot of drink options, no salsa (unless you know to ask for it), no chips, no beans, no dessert options, dry, salty rice, bland guacamole, and flavorless taco fillings (including one so dry you could chip a tooth on it).

I’m going to have to give Surfside Taco Truck zero out of four wheels.