But What Will We Watch Without Teen Moms??

Can we please have a moment’s silence? Because the world’s best non-pharmaceutical birth control, MTVs Teen Mom as started its last season.

There’s a lot of teenage promiscuity in that picture.

No longer will the world keep up with ungrateful Farrah, learn new ways to manipulate your ex from super controlling Maci, and watch the continuous and terrifying unraveling of Amber. Oh, and their toddlers are also on the show. Nope, we’ll have to look elsewhere for that seemingly odd mix of self-absorption and lack of self-awareness. Luckily, we still have the Kardashians.

To be fair, 16 and Pregnant is really the television show that makes me keep my knees together and double up on birth control dosages. Watching that labor and those babies being born freaks me out like the idea of Lindsay Lohan playing Elizabeth Taylor. (What is up with that?? Worst casting ever!)

Even she looks less than thrilled with that whole parenting thing.

But while it certainly is difficult to be a pregnant teenager, pregnancy at any age is difficult. And very, very whiny, as you can see in this new spoof, “32 and Pregnant.”

Perhaps you are tired of listening to pregnant people whining about how hard it all is? Perhaps you’d like to hear a newborn’s point of view. Welp, I’ve got the place for you. MaddieUncensored.tumblr.com provides that much-needed and often-neglected, baby perspective on the world. And, like me, she’s into reality TV.

Wonder why babies cry so much? Maddie explains it’s because they’re messing with their parents.  Ever ponder what a baby thinks of its’ mother’s hygiene habits? Maddie reveals that love is actually conditional upon one taking a shower once in a while.

Something that is true whether you are 16 or 32.

Reality Time: Fine TV Programming

Hey, have y’all been watching Gold Rush? Because I think these nimrods are on the gold.

"If we squint hard enough, we can make gold appear."

Against all odds, and logic, the Hoffman Crue seems to be working it out. I mean, I’m sure they’ll mess it up, but so far, it looks like they’re going to break even at least. Which is very puzzling for me, because according to Hoffman Math (which is probably as reliable as ThePoeLog Math, which is to say, not very reliable.

Example: I just asked my absent valentine – he’s on a work trip – XFE what time it was in Dallas currently. Before he could answer, I hazarded a guess by deducting three hours from DC time. Let’s let that sink in….I’m FROM Texas. I’ve LIVED in Dallas. I’ve even visited Texas in the last year. And I guessed that the time difference was three hours. Ugh. (It’s not, by the way. Just one hour, in case you’re wondering)

Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yeah, so the Hoffman’s say they’ve broken even at 70 ounces of gold valued at $110,000. This, they say, covers their operating costs. To which I say, what the what? Last year, a season in which they lost money, by the way, they estimated they spent $250,000. So now, all of a sudden, this year, gold mining only costs $110,000?

So, alright, whatever. The point is: the Hoffman’s have found 70 ounces. After four and a half months, they’ve cleared three different areas, but just barely. It’s just insane. I can’t believe it. It seems like any moron with a bulldozer can tear up a bunch of dirt and find gold.

Also: Bering Sea Gold is amazingly crazy awesome. These guys go out on these “boats,” which are like two pieces of plywood and a lawnmower motor with a tarp and dive down into the water and use a vacuum system to suck up dirt off the ocean floor and they find gold. They find a lot of gold, actually. When they can go out, that is. Since the weather up north is kinda chilly and unpredictable.

Since XFE is out of town, I’ve been catching up on other really embarrassingly bad reality TV. Today has been all about “Teen Mom.” Wow. These broads. It’s honestly the best birth control. If I had a kid, I’d totally make them sit down and watch every damn episode.

And, Proactiv, I get it. You really, really want to sell some acne products. And, yes, there are a lot of teenagers probably watching this. But seriously?? Every damn commercial break? And Justin Bieber talking about rubbing the special cleansing bar against his chest and back makes me feel really creepy. It’s like you guys at MTV don’t even want an almost 40-year-old watching your show.

Also: I am in no way interested in seeing “The Vow.” In fact, I’m thinking about parking myself outside a theater showing it and heckling single women I see walking into it. Have some pride, ladies. It looks HORRIBLE. If Rachel Adams thinks she’s too good for Tatum Channing and can’t find a way to love him, even though he worships her, who cares? I mean, he’s waaaayyyy hotter than her, so I don’t know what she’s being all uppity about. Has she even SEEN his abs???

I’ve also been getting reacquainted with the lovely ladies of the Real Housewives of OC. And whoa. I’m loving the new lady on there, that Heather chic. She’s awesome, she’s thin, she’s rich, she’s beautiful, and it looks like she doesn’t take crap off trashy wanna-be rich blondes. I can’t figure out why she’s joined this trashy (and I mean that in the best way possible) bunch. Does she think she’s going to class this joint up? Because she’s grossly outnumbered here.

"Let me tell you some more about how awesome I am." (Editor's note: I can totally relate.)

Also: I loved that Gretchen and Tamra making nice over drinks and then like a minute later, Tamra totally blasting out Gretchen’s lip job in front of all the other women. Hilarious. That Tamra. Oh man. She’s a jewel. And by jewel, I mean really tacky plastic pop ring.

But my favorite part of the first episode was watching Alexis try to build a career as a commentator on a San Diego local morning news show, doing a segment with the most-awesomely named fitness doctor, Dr. Booty. He seemed like a genius next to Alexis.

Anybody else watching RHoOC? What are you guys watching out there? Any recommendations?