Weird Crimes: Colorado’s Serial Sidewalk Pooper Makes My Day

Every once in a while, a new story breaks through all the worry and malaise burdening the national consciousness, (and myself, in particular, which is really the only worry and malaise I can actually, honestly attest to).

This bright, glittery meteor of a human interest (?) story somehow—someway—against all news judgement and journalistic standards manages to rise above all the reporting on hurricanes, earthquakes, Fed rate machinations, GOP “healthcare” bills, and America’s slow, inexorable crawl towards mutually assured nuclear annihilation.

That shining beacon of story is the Mad Pooper story.

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Perhaps you’ve heard of it? If not, let me enlighten you.

There is a woman—a jogger, even—in Colorado Springs who has chosen to defecate on a sidewalk in front of the same house on approximately seven occasions thus far. I say approximately, because honestly—who can say with absolute certainty? We just have the family-in-question’s version. It could have been more and they just didn’t notice it.

But they did eventually notice and even confronted the woman, who seemed oddly unrepentant and not at all slowed down by the discovery.

I actually have some experience with both jogging (barely) and people pooping in my yard. But in my case, the mystery of who pooped by the shed was never solved.

sweaty beast

The press are, quite understandably having a field day with this poop-and-run story. Check out this USA Today story. My favorite bits:

Then the woman jogged away. She leaves only confusion, and also the paper towels that she wipes with.

Even in a world wrought with senseless violence, the Mad Pooper’s antics astonish. There’s a portable toilet at nearby John Venezia Community Park.  A gas station not far from that.

BET had some funny nuggets (PUN: INTENDED)

However, for one Colorado Springs household, a human, exercising, pooping, bandit has been leaving her trace for weeks, and they are tired of her crap… literally.

Mediaite was feeling funny:

There’s a 99 percent chance that this will be the shittiest news story you read today.

And, crossing the finish line, Huffington Post, which has a photo of the Mad Pooper:

This runner keeps coming in turd place.

All I know is that the Mad Pooper has definitely got the Colorado Springs police on the run(s) (AGAIN: PUN: INTENDED).

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Friday Links: Does This Blog Post Make My Butt Look Big (And/Or Shiny?) Edition

Kim's twin comets

I was a bit light on posting this weekend. Mostly because I was transfixed by the comet landing. I just don’t get it. Why would anyone want to land on a comet? I don’t get space exploration in general. And don’t even get me started on this nonsense about commercial space travel. Or NASA funding. Just avoid all space-related topics around me.

Anyway, that’s my excuse. And a roundup of some links that may or may not have distracted me from writing blog posts.

  • The Styleite story “behind” the overtly racist French artist who inspired the Kim Kardashian Paper cover. Yep, pun intended.
  • Who even knew that there was a beer mile record? Welp, there is and a mother of six broke it. Chris Kimbrough ran four laps and drank four beers in 6 minutes 28.6 seconds. Also known as Friday Happy Hour at Poe Industries. Minus the running laps part.
  • MentalFloss rounds up 11 common things people are trying to replace or redesign, including the toilet, which I’ve written about before. I mean, building a better toilet. I’ve written about that effort. Not just toilets, like randomly, or anything. OK. Time to be quiet now.
  • Sweet bat karma justice at work, via Revolver Magazine: New “Bat Frog” Found in Amazon, Named for Ozzy Osbourne
  • Lifehacker has some good tips on how not to become a hermit crab when working from home. I have to admit, I struggle with this, especially now that it’s getting cold out. I’ve been pretty good about going to the gym and I’m trying to get out to events, coffee dates, etc. But man, sometimes all I want to do is snuggle up on the couch with the cat and the computer.
  • What I’m cooking today (using up some leftover chicken – PLUS it has “scrumptious” in the name): Scrumptious Thai coconut red curry

Have a happy beer chugging, butt-oiling, and bat-frog-avoiding weekend!

Let’s Build a Better Toilet

Somebody is finally working on an important issue. My hat–and pants—off to you Gates Foundation.

“The foundation announced $41.5 million worth of grants on Tuesday aimed at getting someone to reengineer the flushing porcelain pot, which has been in use since the 1700s.

‘No innovation in the past 200 years has done more to save lives and improve health than the sanitation revolution triggered by invention of the toilet,’ Sylvia Mathews Burwell, president of the foundation’s global development program, said in a statement. ‘But it did not go far enough. It only reached one-third of the world. What we need are new approaches. New ideas. In short, we need to reinvent the toilet.'”

Man, I hope they have good toilets in Istanbul. Because I plan to do some damage on this and this, and it all really looks like it could hurt me. And my friend Linda sent me this article from the Washington Post and I definitely plan to eat with these dudes. I’m taking my stretchy pants to Istanbul, fo sho.

"come drink pickle juice with us. We have sharp knives and aprons over our ample bellies."

But more importantly, my toilet concerns arise from our most recent trip to Italy and Zurich earlier this year.  For those who don’t know, we got food poisoning for about 11 days. From buying salami (a supposedly-CURED meat. Maybe curing methods are different in Italy?) from a very respectable-looking outdoor market. I have never been so sick in all of my life. Or humbled. You really get to know the person you love when you’re both suffering through the same illness. It definitely makes your relationship—and your abs–stronger.

You feeling me Galliano-supporter, Kate Moss? Yeah, you look like I felt.

The worst part, by far, of the Italian Food Poisoning Experience (yes, that is now capitalized) was all the great food we missed out on and couldn’t eat. And, the food we ate but ….well, let’s leave it at that.

"If I throw up the 3-Michelin star, 12 course luncheon, we don't have to pay the bill, right?"

We got an answer to that question: yes, yes you do still have to pay the bill. But everyone will be so glad to have finally gotten you out of their nice restaurant that they will load you up with foreign books and publications featuring writeups of their very fine restaurant. Buh-bye, don’t come back again, lady.

Don’t forget: Yertle the Turtle is looking for your questions for an upcoming post. Want to know what kind of turtle he is? Wondering what he eats? Did you know he hibernates? Want to know where he pees and poops (maybe we can get the Gates Foundation working on that one)? Submit your questions in the comments, or on Facebook or Twitter! Or via email at thepoelog@gmail.com