How to Have a Päntsdrunk Weekend (with Wine Pairings)

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UGH.

This week though, am I right? It’s felt like an entire year of bad news and gut-wrenching images rolled into one giant horrible week.

Which is why I think most of us are just really looking forward to sitting at home, drinking wine in our underpants this weekend. Like, REALLY looking forward to it.

Well, good news. 1) You can (at least, I think you still can in this current, messed up iteration of America) and 2) the Scandinavians have already beaten us to it and they even have a name for it. Because—of course, they do.

Yes, the genius people from the cluster of countries who have already brought us the awesome celebration of all things cozy and comfortable (#hygge4lyfe especially in winter), have now given us a new lifestyle/wellness trend. Or, if not new, at least have given us a name for it. Two, actually.

Päntsdrunk, aka: kalsarikannit

Kalsarikannit

And, it’s specifically the Finnish who are responsible for this one. I don’t know any Finnish people (other than that they are consistently ranked as some of the happiest people on Earth), but I feel like it isn’t really overblown to describe them as geniuses.

As Elite Daily describes it:

“Päntsdrunk is basically what happens when you refuse to let FOMO get the best of you.”

OK, I’m already in. But, please, tell me more.

Päntsdrunk is a ‘path to recovery and self-empowerment,’ defined by utter relaxation and temporary escapes from real-world stressors, such as work emails or annoying small talk.”

I am all about self-care. I love to relax and escape. But not the type of self-care I have to actually leave the house to enjoy or participate in or be around other people to partake in. I get annoyed by people at THE SPA. Do you know what kind of self-involved, anti-social hermit you have to be to get annoyed by people at the spa??

So, it goes without saying that I’m only interested in self-care that can be practiced in the privacy of my own home in its utmost, laziest forms. This one, according to Finish journalist Miska Rantanen, simply involves “drinking at home, alone, in your underwear.”

new going out

Oh yeah. I’m (mostly) down. I do have a couple of slight alterations to make, though. 1) Change “underwear” to pajamas or loungewear, and 2) swap out “alone” for “with my beloved significant other who is in the same room but likely doing his own thing, with his own drink and doing it silently.”

I love this bit in the Elite Daily article, because holy hotdog, this roundup of activities just speaks to my soul.

“To be clear, at no point does Rantanen suggest that Päntsdrunk should be equated with binge drinking. Rather, it’s all about allowing yourself to relax while being totally sequestered from the ‘real world.’ An ideal Päntsdrunk night for me would assuredly be homemade cucumber jalapeño margaritas, along with a few seasons of Girls, a face mask or two, followed by a bedtime of 9 p.m. sharp……It allows everyone to do exactly what they’ve always wanted to do (and have probably already been doing in secret), without feeling bad for it on a Friday or Saturday night.”

Since I am so here for this trend, I want to offer up some wine pairings with some of my favorite self-care activities.

  • Reading celebrity magazines at the kitchen bar while XFE cooks us an amazing meal – This is one of my favorite activities, and one that I am very good at. I usually offer up a weak, “Anything I can do to help?” while distracting him with various celebrity gossip tidbits. Pairs well with a nice, rich Cabernet Sauvignon.
  • Playing with/grooming/caring for Pinot and Port (our cats. Yes, they’re named after wine) – There’s a bit of an age discrepancy here, so I actually have two wine pairings. For Port, who is just over a year old and very active, I recommend a glass of crisp, dry Sauvignon Blanc. Because odds are pretty good that either myself or the cat are going to knock the glass over and spill wine all over the cream living room rug, so white wine = easier clean up. For Pinot, who is 7 years old, kind of lazy and literally plays while laying down, a bold Pinot Noir, naturally.
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The squad, ready to chill. 
  • Bubble bath and face mask – Light a scented candle, fill the tub with a healthy dollop of Laura Mercier bubble bath, slap on some Caudalie instant detox face mask, and pour yourself a glass of spicy Malbec. Just don’t fall asleep. I always do that and there’s nothing relaxing about being startled awake by a mouthful of heavily perfumed bubbles. Or spilled wine.
  • Organize and purge – There’s just something about color coordinating your closet/significant other’s tie rack/pet supplies and/or throwing out all your unused and unloved crap that is so, so satisfying and relaxing. You’ll need a mellow Chardonnay, some equally mellow music (Might I suggest some 90’s trip hop, ala Portishead or Sneaker Pimps?) and a couple of hours to just disappear into the trance that can only be brought on by Marie Kondo folding techniques.
  • Pinteresting – While I mostly think you’re supposed to keep distracting and upsetting technology at bay, I’m pretty sure Pinterest gets a pass. It is probably the most used app on my phone and my go-to when I want to kill time and dull brain cells. I can save and organize pretty pictures of pretty things all damn day. Plus, Pinteresting is just so hopeful for the future! Am I ever going to live in a mid-century modern bungalow in LA with a sauna room built in? Eh, probably not. But it doesn’t stop me from pinning every damn photo I see. Will I ever have a need to make frozen bowls with delicate herbs and greenery suspended in them to hold votives in? No! But their so pretty and Scandinavian! Do I really need to save all these fondue recipes when Trader Joe’s has a completely serviceable fondue kit? Nope. Not even a little bit. But I like to save and organize all these ideas. Which calls for a delicate and eminently drinkable Rose that can carry you through a wasted afternoon of picture sorting.

So go ahead. Get Päntsdrunk this weekend or sans-pants-drunk, if semi-nudity is your thing. We’ve all certainly earned it. Plus, we’ll probably need to store up our emotional wellness reserves to face the next 942 days.

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Kwame Harris and I Agree: Soy Sauce is Dangerous

I know from personal experience that soy sauce can ruin walls. And I know from personal experience that soy sauce can lead to bickering that ruins an otherwise nice evening with your loved ones.

Apparently, I’m not the only one to have learned this lesson.

According to the San Mateo Daily Journal, a dispute over soy sauce at Su Hong restaurant in Menlo Park, Calif. last Aug. 21, has landed former NFL player Kwame Harris in court after he assaulted his ex-boyfriend.

Now, I do not know young Kwame Harris, however, I am certainly interested in hearing more about any “assault” that flares up over soy sauce.

The dispute started when Harris got upset at his friend, Dimitri Geier, for pouring soy sauce on a plate of rice.

OK, so not quite the same as tripping on a stair and sending soy sauce flying onto light yellow walls, but still eerily familiar. Also, why would pouring (not flinging) soy sauce get someone so upset? It’s not like the long-suffering boyfriend had to clean it up, or anything.

Kwame Says

According to the paper, which was citing a suit filed in San Mateo County Superior Court, the two argued for seven minutes after the soy sauce was poured, and Harris said he wasn’t going to take Geier to the airport as he had said he would.

Hold up…..seven minutes? Pshaw. I think pouring unwanted soy sauce on someone’s rice is certainly worth at least seven minutes of public arguing. I believe when I (accidentally) flung soy sauce on our dining room walls, XFE and I steamed and pouted for at least an hour. I did not, however, threaten to revoke airport drop-off privileges. That’s just wrong.

When the two went to get Geier’s belongings from Harris’ car, Harris accused Geier of stealing his underwear and tried pulling the man’s pants down.

Best. Argument. Ever. Stealing underwear? And in retaliation, pulling the man’s pants down? To what end? To ascertain whether the accused perpetrator is wearing the purloined underwear? Were you perhaps thinking of entering the underwear into evidence, young Harris?

Maybe they were Harris' special super power underwear?
Maybe they were Harris’ special super power underwear?

Geier tried unsuccessfully to get away, and Harris shook Geier and punched his arms, the paper said. Harris is 6-foot-7 and 240 pounds and Geier is 6-1, 220 pounds. The paper said Geier allegedly struck Harris three times in the face, and then Harris punched Geier several times in the face.

Oh snap. Sounds like things got pretty ugly.

Geier was taken to an emergency room, and had surgery to repair broken orbital bones and required a metal plate to fix the damage, the paper said. The Daily Journal said Geier has filed a civil suit against Harris for assault, battery, false imprisonment, negligence and both intentional and negligent infliction of emotional distress. Harris could also face up to seven years in prison if convicted, Guidotti told the paper.

Yep, things definitely spiraled out of control here.

OK, so the lesson I think we can all glean from this is: soy sauce is incredibly dangerous and as far as condiments go, is probably the most likely to provoke an argument. But, in all fairness, so is stealing someone’s underwear.

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