The Inherent Romance of a Hypothetical Near-Death Experience

(photo via 1000 Awesome Things)

I know I declared romance to be all but dead just last week, but I wanted to share a recent text exchange between myself and my spousal equivalent, XFE. I think it perfectly highlights how love (and concern for your partner’s welfare) can continue to bloom despite distance, bad dining choices, and self-inflicted injuries.

Sure, it’s not the passionate stuff we used to send each other 10 or so years ago, but just knowing I can inadvertently scare the bejesus out of XFE on a moment’s notice is it’s own kind of small thrill.

Let me set the scene: XFE was hundreds of miles away on a mid-week work trip in a town with limited dining options. I have made dinner for myself at home, courtesy of Blue Apron.

This fairly typical, totally normal text exchange illustrates a couple of things:

  • Fried sage is a lovely and tasty garnish, but deceptively dangerous.
  • I am prone to choking (true.)
  • XFE is a very tolerant boyfriend who is used to high drama and hyperbole.
  • Cats are horrible EMTs; ergo:
  • I will probably die at home alone from a freak choking incident only to be found by XFE days later with a cat nibbling on my toe. (My biggest fear).

XFE: Took the crew to Ruby Tuesday for dinner tonight.

Me: Nice. Did you get fries?

XFE: No, I am having a salad, fish tacos and ice t

Me: If you come home and I’m dead, it’s because I have a piece of fried sage lodged in my throat. On the left hand side. Just scratching and stuck.

Me: Thanks, Blue Apron.

XFE: Try some water.

XFE: R u going to be ok?

Me: It’s just annoying. I’m not coughing or choking or anything.

XFE: Well, the “I’m dead” might have indicated it could have been more serious.

Me: Sorry. It was really annoying.

XFE: Glad ur ok

Me: I think I’m gonna make it. Call off the 911. Petunia finally showed up to seek her dinner, so I feel like I’m in good hands.

XFE: Glad to hear HR has u covered.

Me: You know it. Whew.

Me: Also, I burned my thumb. Knew I shoulda ordered pizza.

XFE: Sorry to hear. R u ok?

Me: Yes, it was actually really good. Now I’m watching a documentary with Toons. Bye.

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Valentine’s Day Wet Blanket

GG valentines
What says “love” better than old single ladies?

Yes, today is Valentine’s Day, as you may have noticed from the obnoxious month-long “Every Kiss Begins with Kay” commercials. (Know what else begins with K? Kick to the kidneys. Knock out to the kisser. Knee to the gonads. So congratulations, ad man, you get paid this month, courtesy of Sesame Street brought to you by the letter K. Plus, I’m sorry but that bead bracelet in the photo booth commercial is just ugly.)

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And, while I’m on the subject, if my lover-for-life XFE sent me an Edible Arrangement for a Valentine’s Day gift, I would assume he’s telling me I’m too fat for chocolate and you really do not want to go to that dark place. Also: a teddy bear? What the stuffing? What grown woman wants a teddy bear? Where do these gift ideas come from??

As you can tell, Valentine’s Day is not a holiday heavily celebrated around thePoeLog household. (I’m much more of a birthdays girl)

You know where else it’s not heavily celebrated this year? Syria. Check out this cheerful quote:

“My business is almost dead. Most of my old clients, who once came to buy bouquets for thousands of Syrian pounds, have fled the country because they fear kidnapping,” the shop owner told AFP on condition of anonymity.

And don’t even get me started on this incredibly sad story.

If you’re married and you’re still looking for a gift, this lawyer in Michigan is giving away free divorces.

Walter H. Bentley III says he got the idea after a student at a night-school class he teaches invited him to a party to celebrate her divorce. He told ABC News that this led to a revelation: “Why not do something special for Valentine’s Day? You can’t find a new love before you close the chapter on the old.”

Indeed. And one last little cheerful tidbit. This infographic on the high cost of Valentine’s Day. On average, each American spends $120 on Valentine’s Day gifts! That’s a lot of Edible Arrangements, y’all.

Now, aren’t you glad you stopped by today? And be sure to check back for my rant on President’s Day (just kidding. I LOVE President’s Day.)