Eight Reasons We Need a Real Housewives of the Olympic Village

The Olympics are on and they are totally messing with my Bravo viewing.

I’m not a fan of the Olympics and not just because of the TV viewing disruption. I just think in this day and age, when there are so many other platforms and international competitions and accompanying viewing options for all of your favorite sports (all of which occur without waiting four years in between), the Olympics have sort of lost their shine.

jill zarin skating

If I was into gymnastics and trampoline (that’s a sport!?), maybe I’d feel differently. But since I can literally find even table tennis or rugby on TV in just about every part of the world, I don’t feel the need to tune into the Olympics.

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Trampoline: an Olympic sport. I shit you not.

Also, it seems like it’s a total shit show for the host country every single time. A financial disaster, a PR nightmare and little or no return for a lot of effort.

My opinion, however, is a minority opinion. Clearly. You can tell by the all-out, wall-to-wall coverage blitzkrieg NBC is putting on to cover every single second of the games. Since NBC is already live streaming it everywhere, including your phone and OnDemand, I really don’t understand why they have to disrupt the entirety of the Real Housewives franchise.

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Table tennis: Also an Olympic sport. Again, not kidding.

Now, I have to wait two weeks to see RHNJ’s Jackie call Teresa a crook to her face (the ONLY thing even remotely interesting happening on Real Housewives of New Jersey this season). Two weeks to see RHOC newcomer Kelly Dodd mess up another dinner party by calling someone the “c” word (my money is on Shannon being the recipient of that particular doozy). Two weeks until we finally see RHNY’s Bethenny break the Tom/Playboy-bunny cheating news to Luann. And I have to wait two whole weeks to see if Brooks ever returns Vicki’s call!

So, what I propose to the Amazing Programming Genius/National Treasure Andy Cohen is that he get stepping and create a Real Housewives of the Olympic Village. Here are just a few reasons why I think this would be a great addition to the franchise:

Home Improvment1) Housewives and Olympians love a home improvement project (see: Heather Dubrow, Chateau Sheree, Moore Manor), and the busted Rio Olympic Village certainly sounds like a major home improvement project. Not only have there been a ton of complaints about the lackluster accommodations, but several countries have apparently brought in their own repair teams to fix damages.

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2) Olympians, like the Real Housewives, are a super horny bunch (looking at you, New York crew: ie, Luann, Sonja and Ramona). Hundreds of Rio Olympic athletes are active on Tinder, likely making use of the record 450,000 condoms distributed at the Olympic athletes’ village. Some big name Olympic Tinder users include swimmer Ryan Lochte (the Sonja of the Rio games) and golfer Rickie Fowler.

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3) Real Housewives require real private chefs and the Olympic athletes are also enjoying some hand-prepared specialties in the Olympic Village. Although, it’s hard to imagine the ladies of OC or Beverly Hills eating carb-heavy and fried salgadinhos. But I know those ladies would throw down some caipirinhas (also on the Olympic Village menu).

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4) Real Housewives love an excuse to enjoy a yacht (see: “We Got the Yacht” Luann). So do some Olympians, especially the Team USA basketball crew. They decided to skip the Olympic Village and shack up on a luxury cruise ship that sounds fit for a Housewife. “The boat has beds that will accommodate 7-footers (sorry, Bogut), a spa, multiple dining areas, a bar, a cigar lounge and an open-air pool. A weeklong cruise typically costs about $13,000.”

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5) Real Housewives like a good spa day, as do many Olympians who are enjoying the services of his-and-her salons in the Olympic Village and getting free patriotic manicures. Or, you could really go the extra mile as the Team USA men’s basketball team did and go to a “spa,” aka, a brothel. I guess the spa on their luxury cruise ship wasn’t exactly providing the services they so desperately needed.

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6) Speaking of spa services, as we saw on last week’s episode of Real Housewives of Orange County, Shannon Beador is a fan of the Gwynnie-approved therapy known as cupping. Turns out, the US Swim Team is also into cupping, which apparently confused the hell out of a lot of mainstream, TV-viewing Americans the other night. Luckily, thanks to Goop and Real Housewives, I’m up to speed on all the latest kooky health trends. So be sure to be on the lookout for leeches, people.

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7) Real Housewives like, no, need, to travel with a whole lot of luggage, as do Olympians. In the case of the team from Great Britain, they traveled with 3,000 pieces of luggage (9 of which have apparently gone missing).

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8) Finally, just like Real Housewives of New Jersey, the Olympic Village has its’ own tax evader in the form of Brazilian soccer star Neymar. Although, to be fair, Neymar probably isn’t staying in the actual Olympic Village. I’m sure he’s staying on a yacht somewhere with Luann and crew.

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Unusual Vacation Pictures: Croatia

Dober dan, my patient little Internet friends! That’s Croatian for “hello.” Actually, it’s “good day,” but it’s the primary greeting everyone uses.

Petunia wearing a bowler hat.
Petunia wearing a bowler hat. Seems fancy, like saying “good day.”

I’ve actually been trying to make a point of learning some words in the language of the countries my permanent travel-partner-for-life XFE and I visit. I did pretty well on the Croatian. I learned hello (dober dan), thank you (hvala), please (molim vas), kako stey (how are you), good night (laku noch), sutra (tomorrow), dog (pas), white wine (bijeli vino), finished (gotov) and zivoli (cheers or long life). So basically, I could move there tomorrow and be just fine.

Anyway, I often get asked what my favorite travel destination is, and I always say that it’s wherever we last visited. But for some reason, I have a feeling that Croatia will always rank pretty high on my favorite list.

Croatia joins the EU
Nice flags there, newest EU member (as of July 1)

If I were in the least bit smart or clever, I would tell everyone on the Internet that happens to stumble upon this blog that Croatia is just awful. The cities aren’t at all pretty. The Adriatic Sea is a muddy mess. The Croatian people are mean and throw flip flops at you every chance they get. The wine was utterly undrinkable.

But that would all be a gigantic lie. My biggest complaint about Croatia (besides the fact that I’m not currently still there) is that the Adriatic is too cold for my taste. (Although XFE did overhear some spoilt American young girls in Split complaining about the pebbled beaches. We didn’t mind—they were very smooth and beautiful pebbles–but these girls did.)

XFE and I got back from Croatia a couple of days ago and I think we’re both still in shock by the fact that we are not laying on some beautiful beach somewhere overlooking some amazingly preserved, UNESCO protected medieval city. Alas, we are back, and there are a ton of mundane post-vacation chores to be done.

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Further proof that Croatia is magical: The Choco Doner. I didn’t even know I needed that.

So, this post is just a quick check in and tease of sorts — a download of some of the more odd pictures from our vacation. I’ll be back this week with information on our second Lufthansa first class experience (one compound word: mounds-o’caviar); the highs and lows of Dubrovnik (one high: our truly unbelievable hotel, singular low: disappointing restaurant experience); drinking wine and eating oysters on the Peljesac Peninsula; the party scene that is Hvar, and, subsequently but unrelatedly, how to get stuck on the island of Hvar; a comparison of Croatian beaches (spoiler: they’re all great. You’re on a beach drinking beer, for crying out loud); people watching in Split; and seafood, seafood, seafood.

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My handwritten luggage tag. As you can see, we went from Baltimore to Charlotte to Munich to Vienna to Dubrovnik. And even with these super sketchy tags, our luggage made it all the way to Dubrovnik, without having to pick it up and recheck it along the way. Pretty impressive, US Airways Ticket Counter Agent Nelson. I totally doubted you.

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On our 20-plus hour trip to Dubrovnik, I came across this magazine in the lounge in Vienna. In my sleepless state, I swore it was Weiner magazine.

On our 20-plus hour trip to Dubrovnik, I came across this magazine in the lounge in Vienna. In my sleepless state, I swore it was Weiner magazine.

no gentlemen sign in CroatiaA sign on the ferry. I think it means, “No Gentlemen in Overcoats.” Which makes sense since it was warm out. Very suspicious to be wearing a top coat.

Bar sign in CroatiaExcellent marketing of a bar in Dubrovnik.

Hotel drinking suppliesStaying hydrated is very important when sitting in the sun. Cipi Chips helped with our sodium.

Croatian boat rentalsWe had dinner next to an American family one night in Hvar. Later that night, we saw them getting on this boat. A couple of days later, we saw the boat (a rental) listed in a high-end luxury yacht brochure in our hotel in the Meridian Split. Dang. We should have made friends with them.

Croatian catWe saw a Toonie doppelganger in Dubrovnik one night while eating dinner. She killed me. So, so cute. I begged XFE to let me take her back to the U.S. He seemed pretty close to caving when he saw her playing with a bottle top. But then he reminded me about how friendly Petunia is towards humans and other animals, and the conversation came to a screeching halt.

Tree wrangling in the Le Meridien hotel lobby in CroatiaComing back to the Meridian late on evening, we saw staffers wrestling with a potted olive tree. There were olive branches all over the floor from where they had jammed it through various sliding doors and low-ish ceilings. Which is pretty ironic. Olive branches ripped from a defenseless tree? Not very peaceful.

Croatia joins the EU

As you can tell by the blurriness of the picture, I too celebrated Croatia’s EU accession.