Lies I’m Not Believing: Michaele Salahi Kidnapping

 Hold on to your fake Redskins cheerleader pom-poms. Everyone’s favorite Real Housewife of DC and one half of the White House state dinner crashing duo has left her husband, I mean, been kidnapped, according to her husband. (I love that he went to TMZ with this).

  “Real Housewives of D.C.” star Tareq Salahi believes his wife Michaele Salahi was abducted in Virginia yesterday … but he’s afraid the cops aren’t taking the situation seriously … TMZ has learned.

TMZ just spoke with Tareq … who tells us he last saw Michaele at their home around 11 AM ET yesterday … right before he left to go to their winery.  Tareq says Michaele told him she was going to get her hair done — but she never went to the appointment … and she’s been missing ever since.

Tareq claims he got a call from Michaele late last night … from an unfamiliar Oregon cell phone number… and she told him she was going to her mother’s house, located minutes away from the Salahi home. 

Tareq says he was suspicious — so he called Michaele’s mother … who told him she hadn’t spoken with Michaele and was unaware of her plans.  That’s when Tareq — fearing Michaele had been abducted — called the Warren County Sheriff’s Dept. for help.

But Tareq claims deputies told him she had already called them — informing them she was OK and just dealing with some “family issues.”

Tareq tells TMZ … he believes Michaele had been FORCED to make the phone calls by her abductor … and believes she is in very real danger … especially because the Salahis have received death threats in the past.

Tareq says he’s considering going to other law enforcement for help because he feels the Warren County Sheriffs are not taking proper action. A rep for the WCSD tells TMZ cops are not releasing any info about the situation at this time.

Tareq has issued a statement saying, “We are reaching to the public pleaing [sic] desperately for your help.

Listen here, Tareq. You seem like a sorta nice guy (er, whatever). What I mean to say is that you seem to genuinely care about this woman. Alas, I don’t think the feelings are returned, my little polo-playing friend. It’s blatantly obvious to all of us that she’s left your broke ass. Probably for some dude from Oregon, by the looks of it. Missy, er Michaele or whatever, has decided that poor doesn’t look good on her, thanks so much, but peace out. I’m sorry. I know this must seem very harsh to you. Better to accept it and move on.  

Conversely, you can continue to deny your abandonment and cling to the kidnapping theory. If you choose this option, I’ve provided you with my top 10 reasons why Michaele Salahi might have been “kidnapped,” as you say.

1)      Judges are such meanies: stalling this Saturday’s bankruptcy auction. Hmmm, seems there’s an auction of items from the Salahi’s Oasis Vineyards scheduled for this very Saturday, including some 8,000 bottles of wine, trucks, and even corks! I’m not sure if a kidnapping will stall a bankruptcy auction. Creditors gotta get paid, yo.

2)      To get some free publicity for the Oasis Winery super-awesome comeback. Despite this very pertinent deadline and the sell-off of all their crap, the kray-kray Salahis were actually planning quite an ambitious a comeback. They were advertising the reopening of the winery on September 24 with a gala event called “A Hollywood Oasis.”

3)      To make that big bully Montel Williams totally sorry. Unfortunately, the forever-embroiled Salahis again drew fire with their planned comeback, this time from Montel Williams, of all people. Montel Williams has threatened to sue them because they used his name as one of the ‘celebrities’ who would be at the reopening of their Oasis Winery. They also listed his foundation as one of the event’s supporters.

4)      To build buzz for Michaele’s new hot dance single. Maybe Michaele was nervous about singing her new single, “Bump It” at the winery re-launch event.

 (There is just so much awesomeness in this video. If you click on no other link, just click on this one. Wait till you get to around the two minute mark where her thin voice starts to waiver.)

Sample lyrics:

“Rhythm is the bass that will make the crowd jump.

“Will someone please hurry up and dance with me. Cause I’m alone on the dance floor.”

“Like I’m so hot and you’re so not.”

And my favorite line:

“Release me from the cage, I belong on center stage. Animal.”

5)      To make FamousDC feel bad for not paying Michaele for that event she wasn’t actually invited to. Maybe they couldn’t get invited to another FamousDC event after getting kicked out of the last one.

6)      Because kidnapping is easier than learning how to dance. The Salahis were this close to finalizing a deal to appear on Dancing with the Stars AUSTRALIA . Maybe that deal fell through?

7)      Rejection from Bravo God Andy Cohen. He said hell-to-the-nah to their offer to move to Beverly Hills and appear on the “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.”

8)      $300 seems like a lot for some crappy wine. Nevertheless, the Salahis ruined this poor girl’s graduation party last month, and stole her $300.

9)      To get back on Celebrity Rehab – wait, is Stockholm Syndrome an addiction? Maybe Michaele’s still pissed she got kicked off of Celebrity Rehab. For not having an actual addiction. “Hmmm, note to self: gotta get one of those addiction things to get on TV. Love, Michaele”

10)  For attention. No, that can’t be right.

UPDATE: Thanks to the fine reporters at TMZ, this post is already obsolete. (Seriously guys, you couldn’t wait?) While searching for more photos, I found out that Michaele did in fact run off with another dude. A guitarist from Journey. There’s a joke in there, somewhere, about Journey-ing far away from her husband, or really living up to that “Don’t Stop Believing” sentiment, but whatevs. End of story. I hope.