Missing Out on the Missoni Madness

Hey! Did you hear the super big exciting news rocking the retail world today? Target started pimping out a new line of Missoni products today!!! That’s right – the super obnoxious zigzag knit that you probably DON’T remember from the 1970s is back! And at Target!

“Starting September 13 and only through October 22 will you find the 400 piece collection filled with Missoni’s signature zigzag prints and patterns at Target stores and at Target online.

Missoni for Target brings a rich heritage of signature prints and patterns to apparel and accessories for women, men, girls and baby, as well as home furnishings.”

And women across this country lost their ever-loving minds.

People (and by people, I mean women) started lining up hours before the stores opened, according to some reports. Poor, time-constrained professional women brought the Target website down trying to buy zigzags online. Merchandise was gone in minutes.

Seemingly-normal women took to Twitter to harass Target over their downed site or to provide minute-by-minute updates on the re-stocking patterns of area Target stores. Here’s a few typical tweets from this morning:

“RT (name of idiot “fashionista” redacted): Ooo—looks like they’re unpacking a bunch of Missoni goodies at the Suitland, MD @Target:

Things are looking up in MD! Greenbelt @Target will be putting Missoni shoes, shower curtains, and plates on the floor in the next hour.

I was at the alexandria target since 5am!! I got most of my musthaves online at 5:30. I was following by minute on twitter”

According to my friends over at Cardigans and Couture, a woman at a Boston, MA Target was so excited she left her baby in the car. Let’s let that sink in for a minute. A woman, highly desirous of some zigzag knit scarf or other hideousness, forgot she even had a child. In her car. In a parking lot. A concerned citizen reported the abandoned, locked-up child to Target customer service and an Amber Alert for the errant parent went out over the stores loudspeaker. I wonder if that stupid woman dropped her scarf and went to find her child or waited until after she’d paid her $24.99.

Now listen, I love me some Tar-jay Boutique just as much as the next girl, I really do. But seriously? Y’all do know this isn’t real-straight-off-the-runway, one-month’s-rent price tag Missoni, right? I mean, you probably won’t be seeing Rachel Zoe using this stuff on photo shoots with Demi Moore and giraffes or anything (although Zoe and Moore are allegedly big Missoni fans – but, like, the real stuff. Not the Target swag).

As you may have gathered, I’m not a big fan of the Missoni knits. I remember them from the 1970s. I’m pretty sure my mom had a whole closetful of earth-toned, knock-off Missoni-wannabe sweaters, cardigans, sweater skirts, etc, etc. that she would wear layered under some suede, fringed vest. Blech. I wish I still had that crap lying around – I bet I could sell it on eBay right now, claiming it was from Target, and make a fortune.

Also: I mean, talk about a one trick pony. Someone at Missoni back in the day figured out how to knit a zigzag and you build a whole empire around it? On the one hand, I say “bravo to you,” Missoni, for making us all think that you did something most grandmothers who knit can do. Your jeuvos are grande.

But on the other hand, would it kill Missoni to be a bit more diverse? Maybe punch it up with say, oh, I don’t know, how about a nice, well-done solid color knit? But nooooo, you can’t do that, can you Missoni? And now, all fall and winter, we’re going to be gagging from all the Target-acquired Missoni clogging up the DC streets. Great. Thanks. 

To be fair, something I rarely strive for, there are a few cute things. I saw some thin headbands I thought were kinda fun. And there are a few houseware items I wouldn’t throw out, including some groovy vases.

Oh crap – that 70s vibe is already sinking in. Ugh. Guess I better break out the rust-colored, corduroy bell bottoms.